Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis (TV Series)

Sean Penn (2010)

Sean Penn: Self

Quotes 

• Himself - Host : [to the camera, in a southern accent]  hello my name is "Seth Galifianakis", I'm filling in filling in for my brother Zach because he couldn't be here today because he's at an adult fat camp, my guest today is a famous actor and a humanitarian, please welcome Sean Penn

  Himself - Host : thank you, Sean, for being on the show

  Sean Penn : you're very welcome

  Himself - Host : [looking at his notes]  Zach wrote something here, I don't understand, he said you have a twin brother? And he wanted me to say how's your brother "ballpoint"?

  Sean Penn : hmmm

  Himself - Host : oh, that's funny, it's like the guy's name is "ballpoint" and your last name's Penn, I bet you get that a lot when people say " hey, it'd be funny if your name was "felt", like "felt Penn", is your first name "Silvania"?

  Sean Penn : [unamused]  yup

  Himself - Host : usually I don't think my brother's that much funny but I gotta give him some credit because that's a pretty good spoof

  Sean Penn : [unamused]  mmm

  Himself - Host : who is the "true" movie star of our time right now?

  Himself - Host : you know, I guess the one who's sort of has "it" all, like Jack Nicholson...

  Himself - Host : [interrupts him]  Ryan Reynolds?

  Himself - Host : Ryan Reynolds is...?

  Himself - Host : [interrupts him]  Van Wilder

  Sean Penn : I think I saw him in something

  Himself - Host : Jack Nicholson is that crazy guy that sits at the Lakers games, you hang out with him?

  Sean Penn : sometimes

  Himself - Host : where do you guys like to eat? y'all go to Long John Silvers or something fancy like that?

  Sean Penn : [exhales] 

  Himself - Host : it'd be fun if maybe you and I and Jack Nickless" went to dinner and stuff, and I could tell him some of my movie ideas?

  Sean Penn : [unamused]  uh huh

  Himself - Host : I have a pug and my pug's name is Funnions and I made this captains hat for him and I put it right on his head and his crazy looking, when people see him they're like "that pug needs to be in the movies, he's got a captains hat on him, and you know you just take the dog and put him in a movie and be like a taxi driver or something like that and people be like "why would there be a pug with a captains hat be a taxi driver in New York City?

  Sean Penn : [sarcastically, looking down]  you might have something there...

• Himself - Host : [to the camera, in a southern accent]  hello my name is "Seth Galifianakis", I'm filling in filling in for my brother Zach because he couldn't be here today because he's at an adult fat camp, my guest today is a famous actor and a humanitarian, please welcome Sean Penn

  Himself - Host : thank you, Sean, for being on the show

  Sean Penn : you're very welcome

  Himself - Host : [looking at his notes]  Zach wrote something here, I don't understand, he said you have a twin brother? And he wanted me to say how's your brother "ballpoint"?

  Sean Penn : hmmm

  Himself - Host : oh, that's funny, it's like the guy's name is "ballpoint" and your last name's Penn, I bet you get that a lot when people say " hey, it'd be funny if your name was "felt", like "felt Penn", is your first name "Silvania"?

  Sean Penn : [unamused]  yup

  Himself - Host : usually I don't think my brother's that much funny but I gotta give him some credit because that's a pretty good spoof

  Sean Penn : [un-amused]  uh huh

  Himself - Host : who is the "true" movie star of our time right now?

  Himself - Host : you know, I guess the one who's sort of has "it" all, like Jack Nicholson...

  Himself - Host : [interrupts him]  Ryan Reynolds?

  Himself - Host : Ryan Reynolds is...?

  Himself - Host : [interrupts him]  Van Wilder

  Sean Penn : I think I saw him in something

  Himself - Host : Jack Nicholson is that crazy guy that sits at the Lakers games, you hang out with him?

  Sean Penn : sometimes

  Himself - Host : where do you guys like to eat? y'all go to Long John Silvers or something fancy like that?

  Sean Penn : [exhales] 

  Himself - Host : it'd be fun if maybe you and I and Jack Nicolson" went to dinner and stuff, and I could tell him some of my movie ideas?

  Sean Penn : [unamused]  uh huh

  Himself - Host : I have a pug and my pug's name is Funnions and I made this captains hat for him and I put it right on his head and his crazy looking, when people see him they're like "that pug needs to be in the movies, he's got a captains hat on him, and you know you just take the dog and put him in a movie and be like a taxi driver or something like that and people be like "why would there be a pug with a captains hat be a taxi driver in New York City?

  Sean Penn : [sarcastically, looking down]  you might have something there...

• Himself - Host : [interrupts him]  let me tell you something...

  Sean Penn : I'm just trying to protect...

  Himself - Host : [interrupts him]  because I know...

  Sean Penn : I'm just trying to be honest...

  Himself - Host : [interrupts him]  this country boy right here is not really intimidated, I'll follow you home tonight...

  Sean Penn : [interrupts him]  I'd like you to "fuck you up" right in your chair

  Himself - Host : we're real interested in the work you've been doing down in Haiti, tell us about that?

  Sean Penn : sure, we've...

  Himself - Host : [interrupts him, referring to the amusement park]  is there a Six Flags down there?

  Sean Penn : there's not, no...

  Himself - Host : [interrupts him, look at his notes]  ok we can move on, oh I forgot

  Himself - Host : [reaches underneath his rear end, takes a speed stick deodorant to the camera]  this segment is brought you by Mennen, Speed Stick by Mennen, you put it under your arms, makes you feel good at night, and during the day, your kind of have this "fresh start", much like America's doing.

  Sean Penn : [remains silent] 

  Himself - Host : Oscar night must be so much fun, you must love it, I mean that must be the whole reason is so you can get all "dolled" up, and go out on the red carpet and talk to people, and people want to know all about your life and stuff

  Sean Penn : I think you can get tired very fast of hearing about yourself and talking about yourself

  Himself - Host : [gradually rambling and ranting]  really? I don't think so, one time this guy was like I want to interview you for the local paper and I was like, what? And he was like what? And I'm like what? He was interviewing me because my mailbox got knocked down in my hometown and I was like why does he care? But I was like what? And he's like let's do a story on it...

  [segment ends]