Saturday Night Live (TV Series)

Elton John/Leon Russell (2011)

Seth Meyers: Weekend Update Anchor

Quotes 

• Weekend Update Anchor : Donald Trump, who claims to be testing the waters for a presidential bid, sparked controversy this week by demanding to see Barack Obama's birth certificate. Look, if Donald Trump wants to talk about Barack Obama's birth certificate, what do I care? Though if he loves America so much, why does he keep outsourcing the job of his wife? What bothers me is that he's getting so much attention for this fake presidential run. I know Trump thinks any publicity is good publicity, the same way he apparently thinks any hair is good hair. But why are the rest of us talking about this like he really might be President? If saying you were going to do something counted, my dad would be on the cover of Finished Basement Magazine. I think the problem is that with this GOP field, Trump actually seems like a viable candidate, and conversely, all the candidates remind me of contestants on Celebrity Apprentice. Look, Newt Gingrich, you're a trusted conservative, you're a religious man, you brought divorce papers to your wife when she was in the hospital for cancer.

  [He sings] 

  Weekend Update Anchor : Two out of three ain't bad,

  [He speaks again] 

  Weekend Update Anchor : That makes you Meat Loaf, and you're fired. Mitt Romney, you basically created Obamacare in Massachusetts, and now you're running against it, so you're attacking the exact same thing you used to get ahead. You're Jose Canseco, and you're fired. Rick Santorum, this week you said that the reason Social Security is insolvent is that America has aborted 1/3 of its children. Everything out of your mouth makes me say, "WHAT?" You're Lil Jon, and you're fired. Herman Cain, I don't know a single thing about you. You're John Rich, and you're fired. Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann, sexy from a distance, crazy up close. Lisa Rinna and NeNe Leakes, you're fired, you're fired. And finally, Donald Trump, you're bossy, you're entitled, you probably still listen to Burt Bacharach. You're Dionne Warwick, and you're fired.

  [He speaks under his breath] 

  Weekend Update Anchor : Sorry, Dionne.