- Captain Dashell: In light of these developments, Officer Rinaldi will finally fulfill a longtime dream and go undercover as a vamp hooker.
- Officer John 'John John' Johnson: What?
- Officer Carla Rinaldi: I've... I've never dreamt of posing as a prostitute, Captain.
- Captain Dashell: I wasn't talking about your dream, Rinaldi.
- Officer John 'John John' Johnson: what am I supposed to be doing while she's out being a hooker?
- Captain Dashell: Watch her like an ostrich.
- Officer John 'John John' Johnson: Captain, don't you mean like a hawk?
- Captain Dashell: No, I mean like an ostrich. The 350-pound Savanna bird with two legs that can crush a horse in a footrace, kick a grown man to death, and annihilate a hawk in a seeing contest.
- Officer Joe Stubeck: Guess we can just hope we get lucky, and maybe the zombie will kill itself.
- Officer Billy Pierce: What do you mean? Gets like... Like, all bummed out and then just commits suicide?
- Officer Joe Stubeck: No, you jackass. I meant like it would wander into traffic or something.
- Jamie: Do vampires have the power to control zombies?
- Officer Billy Pierce: Not on True Blood, Jamie, but you know what? You can add up all the stuff that doesn't make sense on that show and make an entire new show.
- Officer Joe Stubeck: Does this guy look like he's driving drunk?
- Officer Billy Pierce: Who cares? It's not really a UTF issue, is it?
- Officer Joe Stubeck: It's a safety issue, Billy.
- Jamie: Yeah, I agree with that.
- Officer Joe Stubeck: Thanks, Jamie.
- Officer Billy Pierce: Oh, so I just got outvoted by Captain Earmuffs and Stuby-Doo over here.
- Jamie: Okay, these are vital to my job, all right?
- Officer Joe Stubeck: Davis has already turned. At this second, he's attacking customers in a Blockbuster Video store.
- Officer Billy Pierce: That's crazy. Who goes to Blockbuster anymore?