- Meg Griffin: The goat flu outbreak at school is over and, honestly, I'm afraid we're not learning anything.
- Peter Griffin: Ohhhh Meg, you couldn't be wronger. You're learning everything! Watch! CHRIS! Dates! Battle of Hastings?
- Chris Griffin: I don't know.
- Peter Griffin: Franco-Prussian War?
- Chris Griffin: I don't know.
- Peter Griffin: Sherman's March to the Sea?
- Chris Griffin: I don't know.
- Peter Griffin: Cuban Missile Crisis?
- Chris Griffin: No idea.
- Peter Griffin: Trail of Tears?
- Chris Griffin: Never heard of it.
- Peter Griffin: Death of Charlemagne?
- Chris Griffin: What is that?
- Peter Griffin: Treaty of Augsburg?
- Chris Griffin: I got nothin'.
- Peter Griffin: Cortez reaches South America?
- Chris Griffin: Pumping a dry well.
- Peter Griffin: San Juan Hill?
- Chris Griffin: No!
- Peter Griffin: Wounded Knee?
- Chris Griffin: Stop!
- Peter Griffin: Great Schism?
- Chris Griffin: DAD!
- Peter Griffin: Ahh, I'll take you back to school.
- Teacher: [turning around the class on his scooter, completely naked] This is what my class is all about! Learn with me, children! Let's teach each other!
- Peter Griffin: [appearing in Chris' thought and whispering] Chris... you know this
- Chris Griffin: [raising his hand] Sherman's March to the Seal!
- Teacher: Yes! Finally someone gets it!
- [crashes off screen]
- Teacher: Ah! Fuck, children! My cock-sucking elbow! Oh, all the saints in Christendom! My elbow's shattered! Oh, it's shattered to fuck! Somebody get the nurse! Get that big, fucking black nurse! Oh, I'm so fucked!
- Census Man: Okay, and how many people live in your palace?
- Jafar: [with Iago on the head of his staff] Um, does the bird count?
- Census Man: Does the bird live here?
- Jafar: Yes.
- Census Man: Then, yes, the bird counts.
- Jafar: Uh, okay, two.
- Census Man: Great. What is your primary source of income?
- Jafar: Um, sorcery. And a little from political corruption, but primarily sorcery.
- Census Man: Yeah, I'll just put sorcery. Okay. Um, are you gay, straight, or not sure?
- Jafar: Uh, why are you asking me this?
- Census Man: It's just... I-I don't... I don't write the questions.
- Jafar: I know, it just seems a little personal.
- Census Man: Yeah, I-I understand. You're... you're free not to answer it if that's your choice.
- Jafar: No, no, no, it's okay. You can put "not sure."
- Bonnie Swanson: You ready to go, Lois?
- Lois Griffin: I sure am. Oh, my God, Bonnie, we're gonna have such a good time.
- Bonnie Swanson: I know, and it's gonna be so much fun going with you. Joe hates to fly, 'cause they always put him underneath with the dogs.
- [cut to a plane's cargo hold, where Joe sits in a pet carrier, surrounded by incessantly barking dogs in their own pet carriers]
- Joe Swanson: Indonesia better be worth it.
- Lois Griffin: I just can't believe you'd throw away all those years with Joe just to have some silly fling.
- Bonnie Swanson: I'm not throwing anything away. Joe and I have been growing apart for a long time. Besides, we've had a good run. We've been married for 80 years.
- Lois Griffin: You what?
- Bonnie Swanson: Well, that's in married-to-a-handicapped-guy years.
- Lois Griffin: Ah, you know, this is how you take a vacation. Oh, Bonnie, would you look at that? I've never seen anything like that before; a croissant with almonds on it.
- [to the server]
- Lois Griffin: And, and could you bring me a beer? Oh, I feel so elegant. What are you gonna have?
- Bonnie Swanson: You know what I'd really like?
- [an attractive Frenchman walks by]
- Bonnie Swanson: A piece of that.
- Lois Griffin: Bonnie, for God's sake, stop it.
- Bonnie Swanson: Lois, I already told you, I'm in Paris to have an affair. I'll even do a Muslim if I have to.
- Lois Griffin: Okay, bye, everyone. Kids, you mind your father while I'm gone. Love you.
- Meg Griffin: Bye, Mom.
- Chris Griffin: Bye!
- Lois Griffin: Oh, Peter, I almost forgot. Here's some money for groceries and a list of the kids' schedules.
- Stewie Griffin: The fat man in charge for a week? He's gonna be in over his head. Like when he was a boxing coach.
- Peter Griffin: [cut to him as a boxing corner man] Punch him! Punch him again! Punch him! Punch him now! Again! Now you're getting punched! Punch back! Don't let him hit you! Get out of the way! Punch him!
- [the bell signaling the end of the round rings]
- Peter Griffin: You know what I'm gonna tell you. You gotta punch him more.
- Meg Griffin: Is everything all right?
- Peter Griffin: [in a poor disguise] Everything's fine. It's me. I just dressed up like your father to jazz your teachers and get you out of here.
- Chris Griffin: What do you mean?
- Peter Griffin: I'm taking you out of here. That place is riddled with goat flu, so I'm gonna homeschool you kids.
- Chris Griffin: Oh, okay.
- Meg Griffin: Dad, where'd you get this car?
- Peter Griffin: I borrowed it from Quagmire. He's not home 'cause he got abducted by aliens last night.
- Glenn Quagmire: [cut to the bridge of a UFO] So, do you guys just not do the anal probe anymore? Is that...?
- Alien: No, that's more or less been retired.
- Glenn Quagmire: I see, I see. D-Do you still have the thing?
- Lois Griffin: All right, I've got our whole day planned. First, we'll go to the Louvre. Then we'll go shopping along the Champs-Élysées.
- Bonnie Swanson: Uh, Lois, I should probably tell you I didn't come all the way here to go to museums and shops.
- Lois Griffin: Well, I-I don't understand. Why'd you even want to come here, then?
- Bonnie Swanson: Lois, I came here to have an affair.
- Lois Griffin: An affair? With who?
- Bonnie Swanson: Anyone.
- Lois Griffin: My God. Well, can we at least do some Muppet-style sightseeing first?
- Peter Griffin: Recent years have also seen many important historical events. 1985 brought us the gayest music video of all time.
- [in its entirety, the music video for Mick Jagger and David Bowie's collaborative cover version of "Dancing in the Street" plays]
- Peter Griffin: That happened, and we all let it happen.
- Peter Griffin: [homeschooling Meg and Chris] Good morning, class.
- Meg Griffin, Chris Griffin: Morning, Dad.
- Peter Griffin: We're gonna need a few things for this class; an eagerness to learn, a thirst for knowledge. But one thing we won't need is this.
- [taking his tie off and throwing it in a trash can]
- Peter Griffin: That's right. I know you're all used to teachers wearing tuxedos and Dracula capes, but not this one.
- [removing the rest of his clothes]
- Peter Griffin: There will be no pretense in this classroom. There will only be open minds and new horizons. Get ready for adventure. I know some teachers think class should be an exercise in structure, but not Mr. Griffin.
- [taking out and beginning to ride a kick scooter]
- Peter Griffin: This is what my class will be! This! Learn with me! Let's teach each other!
- Chris Griffin: Yay, learning!
- [Meg remains seated while he strips naked and begins riding a scooter, too]
- Peter Griffin: Chris, A! Meg, F!
- Bonnie Swanson: Paris is so incredible. I can't believe we're really here.
- Lois Griffin: I know.
- [going out to the balcony of their hotel room]
- Lois Griffin: Look at all the people on the street. Not a lot of people of color here, but the ones that are black are *really* black.
- Lois Griffin: All right, I'm off to Paris. You guys gonna be okay without me for a week?
- Stewie Griffin: Ugh, I don't know. I mean, who's gonna put those three magazines in a neat stack on the coffee table?
- Peter Griffin: Lois, I realize you're excited about going away with Bonnie and all, but could I... could I not have to hear about the trip when you get back? I-I just... I know you're gonna have pictures and stories, and I-I just... I-I-I just don't want to be involved in any of that mess.
- Tom Tucker: This just in: there has been a confirmed outbreak of goat flu at James Woods High School.
- Brian Griffin: Goat flu? You gotta be kidding me. Every year, the stupid media tries to scare us with this kind of thing, and every year, it turns out to be nothing.
- Peter Griffin: Yeah, it's nothing.
- Meg Griffin: I know. Every year, it's nothing.
- Peter Griffin: Well, now, hang on. There might be something to this.
- Tom Tucker: Health officials have said that a vaccine is not yet available. And if you're not scared yet, here's some footage of people sneezing at a salad bar.
- Peter Griffin: [the clip plays] Oh, dear.
- Tom Tucker: Here's some footage of people licking subway turnstiles.
- Peter Griffin: [anopther clip plays] Oh.
- Tom Tucker: Here's some footage of a man with the flu making out with you while you're asleep.
- Peter Griffin: [a clip of a man kissing him while he sleeps plays] Oh, my God!