Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt (2011)

Jon Cryer: Alan Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Walden Schmidt : Guess what? I had sex with two girls last night.

  Alan Harper : Great! Um, I masturbated and cried myself to sleep.

  Walden Schmidt : I like my night better.

• Alan Harper : Now, the question is: what do we do with you? I know what you said you wanted, but I really don't think Pamela Anderson would agree to swallow your ashes.

• Alan Harper : Why don't you and I go out and have a drink and talk?

  Walden Schmidt : About what?

  Alan Harper : I don't know. The weather? Politics? Why somebody would wanna kill themselves when they have a billion freaking dollars?

• Alan Harper : Well. Here we are, buddy. Just like old times, huh? I'm talking, and you're in the bottle, ignoring me.

• Alan Harper : Are you okay?

  Walden Schmidt : Yeah, I'm fine. I was just trying to drown myself.

• Alan Harper : Nobody likes the tastes of alcohol. We like the effects of alcohol! It makes you feel tall, good looking and smart.

  Walden Schmidt : I am tall, good looking and smart.

• Walden Schmidt : Do you have a wetsuit?

  Alan Harper : It can't be that bad.

  Walden Schmidt : It could be. You don't know!