- Joan: 'Cause you can just walk in the front door.
- Salma Hayek: We can't just do that.
- Joan: You can because you're Salma fucking Hayek.
- Salma Hayek: Thank you. You're right.
- Salma Hayek: You know I don't read this crap! I am a dyslexic, talented actress with questionable English - that's why I overpay you to protect me! I mean, doesn't my asshole have any rights?
- Joan: You're a fucking enabler. I should be yelling at you.
- Salma Hayek: You are yelling at me.
- Joan: Well, I need to yell at someone!
- Lucy: Apparently, Salma Hayek's downstairs asking to see you.
- Mona Javadi: Didn't we tell her to go fuck herself?
- Lucy: Maybe that's why.
- Salma Hayek: What are you wearing?
- Joan: [wearing a hoodie] It's a disguise.
- Salma Hayek: Take it off. They're gonna think you're kidnapping me.
- Joan's Lawyer: The entire show is CGI. It's generated by some kind of super-advanced, deepfake, quantum computer mumbo jumbo. They could make Salma Hayek blow an orangutan if they wanted to.
- Salma Hayek: You useless, overrated maggot. You take your paragraph eight and shove it up your ass! And I hope that you get paper cuts in your hemorrhoids and die!