- Roger: [to Steve] You think this fake detective agency with real cases in a pretend office in your father's garage is a joke?
- Klaus: [while looking at cute animal pictures] Ugly, ugly. The walls of my anus are cuter than that panda.
- Stan Smith: [to Steve] So this, uh, detective stuff looks fun. Can I play?
- Steve Smith: Um, maybe, Dad, but I'm not sure you understand what we do here.
- Stan Smith: No, no, I get it. It's part pretend, part real, fake detectives, real cases, you're in a wheelchair, Roger can walk. W... what's not to get?
- Roger: [to Stan] You're a liability! You know what your problem is? Pappa Wheelie doesn't have a backstory. All right, all you have is a prop. How did you end up on that unicycle? Are you a hipster? Are you a Frenchman? Were you raised by a Russian circus bear? You don't know! You just woke up one morning and saw a unicycle, you stupid hack. I don't know about you, but this case has put me in the mood for some cocaine.
- Stan Smith: I-I get that joke. 'Cause cocaine comes in keys, right?
- Steve Smith: The Legman doesn't joke about cocaine.
- Roger: Cocaine is not a joking matter.
- Roger's Date: [to Roger] So do you like music?
- Roger: Do I like music? No, no, I'm the one person on Earth who doesn't like music.
- Roger's Date: Why did you answer my ad online if you were just gonna ignore me?
- Roger: My profile has four pictures of me staring out of a restaurant window through binoculars. You knew what this was.
- Roger: [while outside the hospital's cancer ward, speaking through a megaphone] You're all going to die! Your parents and your doctors are lying to you!
- Steve Smith: [to the Mailboxes clerk] W... wait. Tell us what the key is for.
- Mailboxes Clerk: I work at a store called Mailboxes, not at a store called "I Help People Who Hurt Me." That store is down the block. It is amazing. I wanted to work there, but they told me I was too ugly.
- Client: Please, this key is my grandfather's legacy.
- Steve Smith: Uhp, "legacy".
- Roger: Fine, we'll take the case. You're lucky you said a word with "leg" in it. It's my only weakness. That's how I got this Foghorn Leghorn key chain and this bag of legumes.