Family Guy (TV Series)

Tea Peter (2012)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire

Photos 

Quotes 

• Glenn Quagmire : Hey you ever accidentally masturbate to young pictures of your mom?

  Peter Griffin : Who the fuck starts a conversation like that? I just sat down.

• Peter Griffin : Carter? Oh hey. You're involved with the Tea Party? Wait a minute. This is what Brian was warning me about: that the Tea Party is run by rich guys who are only out for themselves.

  Carter Pewterschmidt : Brian? You mean that arrogant, unemployed dog of yours? Peter, he's just one of those liberal elites who spreads lies and hates patriots.

  Peter Griffin : Yeah, he kinda is.

• Stewie Griffin : Not to alarm anyone but a guy took me into the closet to try me on. I fit by the way.

• Tea Party Rally Speaker : Welcome, everyone! It's great to see so many regular people out here. Folks who are tired of big government and are ready to stand up for their rights.

  Tea Party Member : Yeah!

  Tea Party Member : Down with the Spend-o-crats!

  Peter Griffin : We are Marshall!

• Joe Swanson : Boy, they're really against socialism.

  Peter Griffin : That's right. The Tea Party is all about self-reliance. Look, there's even a Tunnel of Self-Love.

  [as customers enter the ride, they're each given a copy of Playboy magazine] 

  Ride Attendant : [to a customer coming out]  Would you like to buy a photo of yourself on the ride, sir?

  Male Customer : No, I would not.

• Carter Pewterschmidt : All right, now, remember, the Tea Party is a grassroots movement. We're not covered by the lamestream media, so we gotta reach out to the common man individually.

  Peter Griffin : Right, common man.

  [he dials a phone number] 

  Woman on Phone : [picking up]  Hello?

  Peter Griffin : Aw, jeez, it's... it's a girl.

  [Carter shakes his head in disapproval] 

  Peter Griffin : May I speak to the man of the house?

  Woman on Phone : This is the woman of the house, and there is no man living here.

  Peter Griffin : No? W-W-What is... I-I... how are you paying for this phone?

  Woman on Phone : I'm a lawyer.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, I see, and are you in your little courthouse right now representing Barbie?

  [she hangs up] 

  Peter Griffin : Okay, one vote for the Tea Party.

  Carter Pewterschmidt : All right, kiss government goodbye.

  Peter Griffin : Yeah, I can't wait to fire all them city employees, starting with that half-asleep construction worker.

  [cut to him in traffic approaching construction on the sidewalk; the worker holds up a stop sign while simultaneously waving him forward] 

  Peter Griffin : What the hell? W-W-Which one is it, stop or go forward? This is a big deal. They're not at all similar.

  [the worker turns his sign around, which reads "slow"] 

  Peter Griffin : Ah, no, no, no, no. You, sir, have lost my business.

  [he gets out of the car and walks away] 

• Carter Pewterschmidt : You and I are both businessmen who work hard and pay taxes. Except that I make 10,000 times what you make.

  Peter Griffin : Yeah, we're the same, you and me.

  Carter Pewterschmidt : You know, Peter, the truth is, I could actually use a regular guy like you to help get our message out, and I know Joe Workingman agrees with me.

  [putting on his hard hat with a fake wig] 

  Carter Pewterschmidt : Love to have you on board, Peter.

  Peter Griffin : Wow, thanks, Joe. You can count on me.

  [Carter takes the disguise off] 

  Peter Griffin : Aw, Carter, you just missed Joe Workingman.

  Carter Pewterschmidt : [amused laugh]  Oh, I think he'll know I was here.

  [he starts laughing diabolically, and Peter joins in nervously] 

  Peter Griffin : I'm not sure what's happening.

• Brian Griffin : The Tea Party isn't the grassroots movement you think it is. It's actually funded by big-business types who are using you to get the government out of their way so they can roll over everyone.

  Stewie Griffin : Mom held hands with a woman at the gas station this morning. Don't know what that means. Just reporting it.

  Brian Griffin : All I'm saying is you're being used and you're too clueless to know it.

  Peter Griffin : Boy, you just think you're so superior, don't you? Like that first creature to walk on dry land.

  [cutaway] 

  Fish #1 : Hey, where'd you go?

  Second Creature : Ah, I went for a jog.

  Fish #1 : What's a jog?

  Second Creature : It's a great way to stay in shape is what it is.

  Fish #3 : Is it like a swim?

  Second Creature : [condescening laugh]  No, no, it's, it's nothing like a swim.

• Peter Griffin : Wow, a lot of people here today.

  Glenn Quagmire : Yeah. Man, I love street fairs. They got rides, games, and ethic food cooked horribly by white Americans.

  Taco Lover #2 : [with a thick Bostonian accent]  Tack-os! Hot tack-os here!

  Taco Lover : Oh, are those tack-os?

  Taco Lover #2 : You better believe they're tack-os.

  Taco Lover : I love tack-os! Especially on a corn tor-till-uh.

  Taco Lover #2 : Oh! I love tack-os on a corn tor-till-uh!

• Lois Griffin : Oh, hi, Peter. How was your rally?

  Peter Griffin : Oh, it was great, and now I know it's the right cause to get behind 'cause a smart guy like your dad is involved.

  Brian Griffin : What? Carter was at the Tea Party rally?

  Peter Griffin : Yeah, he was running the whole thing.

  Brian Griffin : Peter, what did I tell you about rich guys?

  Peter Griffin : Look, I know what you're thinking, Brian, but don't worry. It's all okay. Turns out you're the enemy. They're the ones who are on our side.

  Brian Griffin : [sarcastic]  Oh, of course, Carter Pewterschmidt, an industrialist with oil refineries in this city, is on your side. He wants to get rid of environmental regulations for you.

  Stewie Griffin : Brian, he doesn't get sarcasm.

  Peter Griffin : No, it's not just environmental regulations, Brian. Carter wants to get rid of the whole city government of Quahog. He even put me in charge of the PR campaign to do it.

  Lois Griffin : Get rid of the government? Peter, if I know my dad, he's probably using you.

  Peter Griffin : Lois, I'm so glad you've done the dishes so that you can hang out and chime in on this.

  Lois Griffin : Actually, Peter, I haven't done the dishes.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, you haven't? Well, then, I'm confused.

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, he does get sarcasm.

• Peter Griffin : Hi, there. May I help you folks?

  Peter's Customer : Yes, my family and I would like our portrait painted.

  Peter Griffin : Well, you came to the right place.

  [he reveals an easel and painting supplies] 

  Peter Griffin : [a few minutes later]  Looking good. Almost done. And... there. Done.

  [showing them the finished painting, they see the father and son sitting normally, with the wife and daughter in their underwear kissing] 

  Peter's Customer : What have you done?

  Peter Griffin : I painted the truth. I painted my truth.

• Tea Party Rally Speaker : And now, it's my privilege to introduce another regular, blue-collar guy, our Quahog chapter spokesman, Joe Workingman!

  Carter Pewterschmidt : [with an obviously bad disguise]  Good afternoon, friends and socioeconomic equals! Is anyone else out there sick of government crap?

  Peter Griffin : [as the crowd cheers]  Oh, my God. It's like he's saying everything I'm listening to.

  Carter Pewterschmidt : That's right. The government wants to tell you what foods to eat.

  [boos] 

  Carter Pewterschmidt : And what church you can go to.

  [more boos] 

  Carter Pewterschmidt : And that you can't own a chimpanzee because you're not responsible enough.

  Peter Griffin : [more boos]  I would feed it!

  Carter Pewterschmidt : Also, the government wants to tell you how many children you can have.

  John Herbert : [mortified]  What? No!

  Carter Pewterschmidt : And the government wants to tell you you can't throw your old TVs into the river.

  Conseula : Then how I supposed to find TV?

  Carter Pewterschmidt : If you join the Tea Party, together, we can fix all that. But you probably don't wanna join the Tea Party because all you get are these stupid, awesome keychains!

• Joe Swanson : [after a speech from "Joe Workingman"]  I got to say, that guy made a lot of sense.

  Glenn Quagmire : He sure did. The government's really gotten out of hand.

  Peter Griffin : Yeah, those bastards have ruined everything. The same way the Village People ruined any gathering of a cop, an Indian chief, and a construction worker.

• Peter Griffin : What do you think, mom, is that the most beautiful bride you've ever seen?

  Bride : I love it!

  Bride's Mother : Oh, it's just so much money.

  Peter Griffin : It's true. It's true. Take the dress off, sweetheart. Your mother says you can't have it.

  Bride's Mother : W-Wait, wait, wait a minute. Do you really love it?

  Bride : I do. It just feels like my wedding dress.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, mom, she loves it.

  Bride's Mother : Okay. We'll take it.

  Lois Griffin : [coming downstairs]  Peter, what is that girl doing in my wedding dress?

  Peter Griffin : [crawling under the dress's hem]  She gone?

  Bride : No.

  Peter Griffin : Okay, well, while I'm down here, let me give you my card. There you go.

• Peter Griffin : Oh, hey, Joe. What's going on?

  Joe Swanson : Peter, I'm afraid I'm here to shut you down. You're running an unlicensed business, and that's against the law.

  Peter Griffin : Aw, that is such bullcrap.

  Joe Swanson : Well, you can't fight City Hall.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, we'll see about that!

  [leaving and coming back beaten up] 

  Peter Griffin : City Hall knows karate.

• Peter Griffin : Watch out there, Brian. Looks like the floor is wet.

  Alan : [passing by]  Excuse me. I'm kind of in a hurry.

  [slipping on the water puddle] 

  Alan : Ahhh! Son of a bitch!

  Peter Griffin : Oh, my God! Are you okay?

  Alan : I'm sorry. I've been a bit distracted lately. I think my wife has been crossing the street with another man.

  Alan's Wife : [outside, crossing the street with another generic-sign figure]  God, I hope Alan doesn't find out.

• Lois Griffin : Peter, what are you doing?

  Peter Griffin : I'm just puttin' up my new sign.

  Lois Griffin : Don't put that thing on our door. If you want to hang it somewhere, hang it in the basement.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, why? So you can hog it while you're doing laundry? No way.

  Lois Griffin : Peter, we're not a business.

  Peter's Customer : [coming in]  Hey, I saw your sign. So, you're open?

  Peter Griffin : That's right.

  Peter's Customer : What do you do?

  Peter Griffin : What do you need?

  Peter's Customer : Milk.

  Peter Griffin : We have milk.

• Peter Griffin : Good Tea Party morning, everyone!

  Brian Griffin : Peter, you joined the Tea Party?

  Peter Griffin : That's right, Brian. I finally got something better to do with my Saturdays than sit at the mall and watch Japanese girls laugh at normal conversation.

• Peter Griffin : Hey, Mort, what's this thing?

  Mort Goldman : Oh, that? That's my "Come in! We're open" sign.

  Peter Griffin : What's that, like an iPad?

  Mort Goldman : No, it's a sign.

  Peter Griffin : Wish I had one of those.

  Mort Goldman : I've got a whole box of 'em. Take it. It's yours. No charge.

  Peter Griffin : Ugh, typical Jew.