Family Guy (TV Series)

Back to the Pilot (2011)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Tom Tucker, Kool-Aid Guy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Lois Griffin : [in the pilot]  Oh, don't pout, honey. You know, when you were born, the doctor said you were the happiest looking baby he had ever seen.

  Stewie Griffin : [in the pilot]  But, of course! That was my victory day! The fruition of my deeply-laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille. Return the device, woman!

  Brian Griffin : Jeez, what'd you carry a thesaurus around with you?

  Stewie Griffin : Y'know, it's amazing I could speak at all with that circumcision still healing.

• [Brian and Stewie travelled back in time to January 31, 1999, the day that Family Guy first premiered] 

  Brian Griffin : That's odd, that's our house but something looks a little different.

  1999 Meg Griffin : [from inside the house]  Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections?

  Pilot Lois : Meg, you don't need to change the way you look. You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image.

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, my God, what's with Meg's voice? She sounds like someone who's about to give up a huge opportunity.

  Brian Griffin : That's nothing, look at you. You look like a prize at some Mexican church carnival.

• Peter Griffin : [in the computer animated future]  Chris, I heard you got a D on your report card. Here's a cutaway.

  [cut to Peter standing in front of a white background] 

  Peter Griffin : Matthew McConaughey is terrible.

• Brian Griffin : [in the pilot]  Woah, ass ahoy. Hey, uh, Peter, it's seven o'clock and you still got your pants on. What's the occasion?

  Stewie Griffin : Ew, I remember this. Peter's eye did that weird creepy thing where it went over his nose.

  Peter Griffin : [in the pilot]  Come on, you're worryin' about nothin'.

  Lois Griffin : [in the pilot]  Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the communion wine at church?

  Stewie Griffin : Ah, ew, gross look at that!

  [Where we expect to see a cutaway gag, instead, the Griffins from the pilot just stand around and do nothing] 

  Brian Griffin : Wait, what are they doing?

  Stewie Griffin : I dunno, they're just... standing there like zombies.

  Brian Griffin : Do you think they're all right?

  Stewie Griffin : I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm not sure.

  Lois Griffin : [from the pilot]  And then there was that time at the ice cream store.

  [the Griffins stand silently for a few more seconds] 

  Brian Griffin : They're doing it again, what the hell?

  Stewie Griffin : I'm-I'm-I'm at a loss.

  Brian Griffin : I know we're not supposed to mess with the timeline, but should we... call an ambulance?

  [pause] 

  Stewie Griffin : That is so creepy.

  Brian Griffin : [from the pilot, emerging from behind the table]  And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see "Philadelphia"?

  [they stand around again] 

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, they're-they're doi-they're setting up fucking cutaways.

  Brian Griffin : Oh, my God, is that what we did back then?

  Stewie Griffin : Yeah, now we just return text messages and screw around and whatnot.

  [cut to the Griffins' living room] 

  Peter Griffin : Lois, I'm not goin' back to work tomorrow! That new boss has it in for me! He's meaner than a shifty salesman.

  [after Peter sets up this gag, Brian takes out a flask, Peter smokes a cigarette, Lois applies makeup, and Stewie, Chris, and Meg text on their cell phones] 

  Lois Griffin : You sure you got time to smoke?

  Peter Griffin : Oh, yeah, it's an Al Harrington, it goes on for a while.

• [Brian and Stewie create multiple time paradox duplicates of themselves, and one pair of duplicates come with Peter] 

  Peter Griffin : I don't know what I'm doin' here. I was just lookin' for the can.

• Stewie Griffin : What they do turns out to be alright, it's what you're about to do that unleashes utter bedlam!

• Stewie Griffin : We're from the further-further-further-further-further-further future!

• Stewie Griffin : Watch out for Ernie, he's getting a CAT scan.

• Stewie Griffin : And remember, no stopping 9/11, no Harry Potter novels, just return to your own time periods and stay there!

• Stewie Griffin : [when too many clones show up]  GET THE FUCK BACK IN YOUR TIME MACHINE!

• Peter Griffin : [in the computer animated future]  Hey Lois, I found some double-sided tape. I think I can do about seven minutes worth of funny stuff with it. That should get us to the "Meg Kissing Booth" story.

• Stewie Griffin : [a Duplicate Brian and Stewie have shown up, and they are floating around inside Barbershop Signs for some reason]  My God! What happened to you?

  Duplicate Brian Griffin : We don't know. But this is Life now!

• Stewie Griffin : All right, 57! All right, 9/11 wins!

  Brian Griffin : Wait! Shouldn't it be an even number? Why is the total an odd number?

  Duplicate Stewie Griffin : Ah, yeah, I think one of the Brians died.

  Brian Griffin : What? What do you mean?

  Duplicate Stewie Griffin : I don't know one of them landed here with its throat slit.