- Marge Simpson: It says here we have to stay inside the shelter for three hours.
- Homer Simpson: So if you have to fart, do it now.
- Marge Simpson: Homer! What if those were your last words on Earth?
- Homer Simpson: Honey, you know my last words will be "I can outrun that lion."
- Lisa Simpson: Why do we have to sit here? If we leave now, we could see what the town looks deserted.
- Bart Simpson: I could write whatever I want on the school chalkboard.
- Lisa Simpson: I could watch a planetarium show without the second-hand marijuana.
- Homer Simpson: And I could drive drunk while sober.
- [Cut to Homer driving erratically]
- Homer Simpson: It's fun, but not as fun.
- Moe Szyslak: The monsters are here!
- Marge Simpson: Moe, it's us. We've been your friends for years.
- Moe Szyslak: The queen monster is coming on to me!
- Bart Simpson: You sure this is a good idea?
- Homer Simpson: This is the Outlands, boy. Ideas aren't good or bad, they're just free.
- Homer Simpson: I always thought tar and feathered was just an expression. How are you going to pave your roads and stuff your pillows now?
- Mayor Quimby: Marge, you're a kind, compassionate woman who makes us see your family in a new light.
- Marge Simpson: Thank you.
- Mayor Quimby: Which is why you're the worst Simpson of all!
- Homer Simpson: The old homestead. Remember when we first moved in?
- [talks from side of mouth]
- Homer Simpson: And I talked like this?
- Homer Simpson: You always assume that a big picture of us in a secret meeting we weren't invited to is a bad thing.
- Homer Simpson: If you cast us out, you will be cursed with a thousand year drought!
- [Suddenly the sky becomes cloudy and start to rain]
- Homer Simpson: I mean a thousand year flood.
- [the clouds parts and it stops raining; a rainbow appears on the distance and a flower grows at Homer's feet]
- Homer Simpson: D'oh! I mean a thousand years of perfect weather.
- Homer Simpson: There's only one way out. I have to man up. Okay, manning up... Manning up... Manning...
- [high-pitched whine]
- Homer Simpson: Oh, girling down! Girling down!
- Bart Simpson: How you doing, Mr. Assange?
- Julian Assange: That's my personal information and you have no right to know about it. Hey, but we're neighbors. Would you like to come over for a movie sometime?
- Marge Simpson: Is it Iraqi journalists being murdered?
- Julian Assange: Don't be ridiculous. It's an Afghan wedding being bombed.
- Homer Simpson: Well I have a really big secret for you.
- [whispers]
- Homer Simpson: I'm not wearing any underwear.
- Julian Assange: You know, you should really get out less.
- Ned Flanders: Make way for Captain Calmhead! Now, I like a good old-fashioned witch trial as much as the next person, but I do not think we should be so quick to judge our long-time neighbors.
- Mayor Quimby: Not so fast, Flanders! We knew you'd be the voice of mercy, and we're prepared to answer your concerns.
- [a suspended battering ram swings from the ceiling, striking Flanders in the chest and propelling him out the door]
- Mayor Quimby: Any other objections?
- Ned Flanders: [Lying disheveled on a car hood] I retract my... diddly.
- Lisa Simpson: I know it's futile, but I must again point out there is no dragon.
- Homer Simpson: Then why am I paying $800 a year in dragon insurance?
- Lisa Simpson: Again, I maintain that money would be better spent on car insurance.
- Homer Simpson: Lisa, everyone knows dragons do not attack cars. Jeez, pick up a book.
- Lisa Simpson: [gasps] I pick up books like you pick up beers!
- Homer Simpson: Then you have a serious reading problem.
- Carl: [Carl emerges from a bush; Maggie is on his shoulders, holding a knife to his throat] Get her off! Get her off!
- Homer Simpson: [giggles] Let her slice off the tip of your ear and she'll go right to sleep.
- Carl: No!
- Homer Simpson: [menacingly] That's not a choice you get to make.
- Bart Simpson: [in the car] Hey Henrietta Hippo, I gotta drain the inchworm.
- Homer Simpson: Oh, fine!
- [They pull off the road, Bart runs into the bushes. Homer gets out to stretch when he hears a rifle cocking, then the camera pulls back to show a man aiming a shotgun at him]
- Homer Simpson: Please put that down!
- Bart Simpson: [offscreen] I just got started!
- Marge Simpson: We've found a new place that we love. A place that may not have indoor plumbing, but it's got something we treasure more.
- Homer Simpson: Yeah, non-jerks!
- [the crowd gasps]
- Mayor Quimby: Maybe he's right. We *are* jerks!
- Chief Wiggum: You want I should spray some of my Jerk-Off on ya?