Mathew Buck: Film Brain

Quotes 

• [repeated line] 

  Film Brain : The bear knows!

• Film Brain : Although these characters soon open their mouths and you'll wish they'd remained silent for the rest of the movie.

• Prick : I would like to get there alive rather than dead.

  Film Brain : Who says that? Honestly? It's like he knew he was in a horror movie and he read the script.

• Film Brain : It's only two minutes in and already I'd like to see them all dead.

• Whiney : Where's your gun?

  Prick : I'm outta bullets.

  Film Brain : Maybe you should have thought of that before emptying an entire round into a defenseless bear, you asshole!

• Film Brain : So they flip the car back onto its wheels, but that doesn't resolve the fact that it won't start, so the brothers go outside to try and fix the engine, which gives the girls bonding time.

  Bland : [Slut tries to smoke, but Bland takes it away]  I said no!

  Slut : Watch it, bitch!

  Bland : Wow, you're real classy.

  Slut : Suck my dick.

  Film Brain : Her life expectancy is going down by the second, and thank God for that, because if the bear doesn't kill her, I will. What the hell does he see in this woman?

• Film Brain : Can't you just go outside, flip the car over and continue on with your annoying lives, please? So we can move on to people we actually give two shits about?

• Bland : I'm pregnant.

  Prick : You mean, like, with child?

  Film Brain : No, she's gonna give birth to a rubber chicken. Of course she's with child!

• Film Brain : That's right, Whiney, leave her with your bankrupt, embezzling brother who's probably going to prison anyway, so that she can raise your bastard child all on her own. How very noble.

• Film Brain : So that was Bear. It was completely unbearable. The characters are all completely unlikeable sacks of shit who lie, cheat and betray each other. The bear ends up being the most likable character. The characters constantly make stupid, implausible decisions because the script is dumb and repetitive, having to repeatedly engineer ways for why the characters haven't escaped the scenario. This cultimates in a twist that is preposterous and nonsensical, and I can't believe this extremely pretensious horror flick expects us to swallow such nonsense. On a technical level, this movie completely falls apart, particularly because of their budget. It's almost like a crash course on how not to make a film and should be avoided, because it's a total waste of time.

• Film Brain : The brothers fix the car so they can leave, and then the axle breaks and they aren't going anywhere. So basically that whole thing about fixing the car: no point to it whatsoever, because the movie keeps engineering different ways of keeping them stuck. Stall, stall, stall. This movie is less than 80 minutes long for crying out loud!

• Film Brain : So Slut is killed as Whiney makes some unflattering noises.

  [the actor poorly conveys emotion, which Film Brain then mocks] 

  Film Brain : Whiney was very shocked that Slut was the first to die, but the audience wasn't. In fact, the bear's done us a favor. She was un-BEAR-able.

• Film Brain : Unfortunately that now means Whiney will be doubly annoying to compensate, and Prick throws his jacket on the ground for no reason. That's how upset he is.

• Film Brain : [Bland screams incoherently]  I beg your pardon? You wanna repeat that again because that was definitely not in English.

• [repeated line] 

  Film Brain : It's a bear!

• Film Brain : It's. A. Bear! Granted it seems like a very intelligent bear, but it's still a bear! It has no concept of revenge. The only reason you're saying something this stupid is so they can put it in the trailers to make it sound epic. Even the bear thinks this dialogue sucks so it manages to stealth-attack them again.

• Film Brain : When the characters are this relentlessly stupid, they deserve to die.