- Raj Koothrappali: C'mon Sheldon, Star Wars.
- Howard Wolowitz: I'm pushing play. I mean it. If we don't start soon, George Lucas is going to change it again.
- Penny: It's not a date, Leonard. It's just a man and a woman hanging out, not having sex at the end of the night.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Sounds like most of my dates.
- Howard Wolowitz: All right Sheldon, your bird death ray is ready.
- Sheldon Cooper: It's not a death ray. It's just a little ultrasonic blast to scare him off. Trust me, if I had a death ray, I wouldn't be living here. I'd be in my lair enjoying the money the people of Earth gave me for not using my death ray.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: [picking up the bird] He's a sweetie.
- Sheldon Cooper: Yes, it's very sweet. Now, slowly and carefully... flush him down the toilet.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, the only way to get past this fear is to interact with it. Just like you did with the mailman.
- Penny: So what are you and professor Fussy Face up to tonight?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Star Wars on Blu-Ray.
- Penny: Haven't you seen that movie like a thousand times?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Not on Blu-Ray.
- [pauses]
- Leonard Hofstadter: Only twice on Blu-Ray.
- Penny: We were going out, you were going to get sex anyway
- Leonard Hofstadter: Really? You would've slept with me after a three hour documentary about dams?
- Penny: No, no woman would
- Sheldon Cooper: Age seven, a blood-thirsty chicken chases me up a tree. Age 12, a magpie tries to steal the retainer out of my mouth. Age 16, a parrot in a pet store calls me fat ass. Need I go on?
- Raj Koothrappali: Yes, please. This is way better than the movie.
- Penny: I want to know what you told her.
- Leonard Hofstadter: That's kind of between me and...
- [looks over at Laura]
- Laura: Laura.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Laura.
- Penny: Oh. Okay, I see. So while he was telling you things, did he mention he owns not one, but two Star Trek uniforms?
- Laura: Really?
- Penny: Yeah. Wears them. Not just for Halloween.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, pal. You didn't see me telling Kevin that you thought cold wars were only fought in winter.
- Penny: Okay. Then I'll return the favor, and I won't tell...
- [looks over at Laura]
- Laura: Laura.
- Penny: Laura... that half the dirty movies you own are animated.
- Leonard Hofstadter: When you were telling Kevin about your acting career, did you mention your long-running role as "Waitress" in a local production of "The Cheesecake Factory"?
- Penny: Did you tell her about your lucky asthma inhaler?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, yeah? Spell asthma.
- Penny: A... s...
- [pauses]
- Penny: Take me home.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Maybe I'm not done hanging out with...
- [looks over the table and notices that Laura is gone]
- Leonard Hofstadter: You're right. It's getting late.
- Sheldon Cooper: [as the bird flies out the window] Get back here, you stupid bird, so I can love you!
- Sheldon Cooper: [talking to a blue jay] If you were a dove, I'd call you Lovey Dovey. Oh, who am I kidding? This isn't a moment for strict adherence to the literal. You're just my Lovey Dovey, aren't you?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Guess you gotta have hollow bones to get some sugar around here.
- Penny: [to Leonard] I'm not innocent in all this but you basically called me stupid you asthmatic dumbass
- Sheldon Cooper: This is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. I'm at 2311 North Robles Avenue. I'd like to report a dangerous wild animal. A blue jay. I'm sorry, this is Animal Control, I don't understand the laughter. No, the bird is not in my home. If he was in my home, I obviously would have called 911.
- Penny: [about Kevin] He's cute, look at him with his dorky glasses and hipster shirts
- Leonard Hofstadter: I wear dorky shirts and glasses
- Penny: Yeah but when you're tall and have good cheekbones, you're doing it ironically
- Amy Farrah Fowler: If you're keeping him, I've got a cage you can borrow. One of the test monkeys slipped on a banana peel and broke his neck. It was both tragic and hysterical.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: I still think he looks like someone's pet. Maybe we should put up posters.
- Sheldon Cooper: Yes. It should have a big picture of him and the words: "Is this your bird? Not anymore."
- Sheldon Cooper: Quick, what does a hawk sound like?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, I don't know... Scree! Scree!
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, please. That's a seagull.
- Leonard Hofstadter: [Wearing a t-shirt, jeans and a backwards baseball cap] Too casual?
- Sheldon Cooper: For an audience with the Queen, yes. For an evening of passing a bottle of fortified wine around a flaming trashcan, you look great.
- Penny: Oh, hey. If we hurry, we can make the new Jennifer Aniston movie.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, yeah, sure. There's also an amazing documentary about building a dam on a river in South America.
- Penny: OK, but the Jennifer Aniston movie has Jennifer Aniston, and she's not building a dam.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Can't argue with that. I'll get the tickets.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, what do you expect us to do?
- Sheldon Cooper: You're biologists. Biology is the study of living things. That's a living thing. Get crackin'.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: I specialize with microorganisms, and Amy studies brains.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Yeah, neither of us minored in bird shooing.
- Penny: Really? On top of everything, you're scared of birds?
- Sheldon Cooper: It's called Ornithophobia, one day it will be recognized as a true disability and the landlord will be required by law to throw a giant net over the building which is unfortunate because I have a fear of nets
- Leonard Hofstadter: We're not ready to hang out as friends
- Penny: I don't know, up until the last part I was really enjoying take charge Leonard, knew what you wanted, picking the movie even a little cocky
- Leonard Hofstadter: Then maybe I'm putting sex back on the table
- Penny: Maybe I like that
- Leonard Hofstadter: If that's what you like, I can be that guy, I can be anything you want
- Penny: Goodnight Leonard
- Leonard Hofstadter: [to himself] I am such an asthmatic dumbass
- Leonard Hofstadter: [after Sheldon freaking out about the bird] Sheldon, just ignore him.
- Sheldon Cooper: Good idea! Attention is what birds want.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Do you think I'm overdressed?
- Sheldon Cooper: Depends on the activity. For a prostate exam, yes. To play in Vegas, I'd add sequins.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I'm going to the movies with Penny. I don't want her to think that I think it's a date.
- Sheldon Cooper: Do you think it's a date?
- Leonard Hofstadter: No. But she might think that I think it's a date even though I don't.
- Sheldon Cooper: Or you might think she thinks you think it's a date even though she doesn't.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Are you overthinking this?
- Sheldon Cooper: Not at all.
- Leonard Hofstadter: You're right. I'm fine. I'm wearing this.
- Sheldon Cooper: Really? A blazer? All right.
- Sheldon Cooper: This is ridiculous. I'm a grown man from Texas. This isn't a terrifying bird like a swan or a goose. It's just a blue jay.
- Penny: You like those movies
- Leonard Hofstadter: No I hate those movies, I only saw them cause you wanted to and I wanted to have sex