Grand Theft Auto V (2013 Video Game)

Ned Luke: Michael Townley, De Santa

Photos 

Quotes 

• Michael De Santa : You forget a thousand things every day, pal. Make sure this is one of 'em.

• Michael De Santa : You... are a hipster!

  Trevor Philips : What?

  Michael De Santa : You're a hipster.

  Trevor Philips : I hate hipsters.

  Michael De Santa : Classic hipster denial.

  Trevor Philips : I abhor hipsters. I eat them for fun!

  Michael De Santa : Hipsters love saying they hate hipsters.

  Trevor Philips : Well, I really fucking do!

  Michael De Santa : Self hatred. Common hipster affliction.

  Trevor Philips : Only because I'm living out here away from the Bean Machines, and the bankers?

  Michael De Santa : You're gentrifying. Soon, the skinny jeans will show up, then the skinny lattes, and then the bankers. And you'll be somewhere else starting the cycle all over again. Maybe you're not a classic garden variety hipster, but you're what the hipsters aspire to be. You, Trevor, are the proto-hipster.

  Trevor Philips : I don't know what you're talking about. I don't agree with what you're saying. You're talking bullshit. And you're trying to wind me up. But I'm very, very angry, and I want this conversation to stop right away.

  Michael De Santa : Hipster.

  Trevor Philips : Fuck you! Fuck you, Michael! Say it again!

  Michael De Santa : I've made my point. I'm not a sadist.

• Dr. Isiah Friedlander : Your son, James. He's a good kid?

  Michael De Santa : He's a good kid? A good kid? Why? Does he help the fucking poor? No. He sits on his ass all day, smoking dope and jerking off while he plays that fucking game. If that's our standard for goodness... then no wonder this country's screwed.

• [from trailer] 

  Michael De Santa : Why did I move here? I guess it was the weather. Or the... Ah, I don't know, that thing. That magic. You see it in the movies. I wanted to retire. From what I was doing, you know? From that, that... line of work. Be a good guy for once, a family man. So, I bought a big house. Came here, put my feet up, and thought I'd be a dad like all the other dads. My kids, would be like the kids on TV, we play ball and sit in the sun... But well, you know how it is.

• Jimmy De Santa : Hey, let's bounce.

  Michael De Santa : Bounce? We're bouncing now? Is that what we're doing? Jesus fucking Christ.

• Michael De Santa : Surviving is winning, Franklin, everything else is bullshit. Fairy tales spun by people too afraid to look life in the eye. Whatever it takes, kid: survive.

  Franklin : Damn straight.

• Fabian Larouche : Namaste.

  Michael De Santa : Nama-go-fuck-yourself.

• Michael De Santa : [during a robbery]  Ladies and gentlemen! This is your moment! Please don't make me ruin all the great work your plastic surgeons have been doing!

• Trevor Philips : Is that sarcasm?

  Michael De Santa : Oh, you're fucking A-right it's sarcasm! You fuck! A few weeks ago, I was happily retired, sulking by my swimming pool, and my psychotic best friend shows up out of nowhere to torture me over mistakes I made, honest mistakes I made over a decade ago! We, our little posse, are flat fucking broke, but hey, let's go out and spend two million dollars on a tandem rotor fucking chopper, so I can go steal nerve gas from fucking terrorists! Forgive me, you ignorant fuck, but sarcasm is all I've fucking got! Sarcasm, and a room full of you cunts!

• Michael De Santa : Trevor! Answer the fucking question!

  Trevor Philips : I asked for a fair day's pay after a fair day's work. Then he kinda got a little angry so, I admit, I kinda got a little angry.

  Michael De Santa : Did you kill him?

  Trevor Philips : What kind of fuckin' animal do you take me for? No, I didn't kill him.

  Michael De Santa : Oh fuck.

  Trevor Philips : But I did kidnap his wife!

  Michael De Santa : Oh no! Oh shit! The fuck did you do?

  Trevor Philips : [In baby voice]  Oh I just told you what I just did.

• Michael De Santa : What a shit show. I'll tell you what, you could take this desert, and stick it. My life may be a world of pain, but from here on out it's gonna be cool, comfortable, air-conditioned pain.

• Jimmy De Santa : Like, the other day, he posts this picture of his newborn, and I'm all like, "Damn, son. That right there is one ugly-ass motherfucker of a baby." And I'm all like "My balls is prettier than that baby," and then I send him a picture of my balls. "I seen roadkill prettier than that baby. What the hell is wrong with your baby?" And he's all like, "Actually there's a problem with its chromosomes," or something, and it's actually a miracle it survived birth. And I'm all like, "It's actually a miracle I survived looking at a picture of its ugly..."

  Michael De Santa : Enough, alright, e-fucking-nough. I get it.

• Michael De Santa : [Ending A; Trevor burns alive and then perishes in a fiery explosion]  You always liked gasoline, Trevor!

  Franklin : Man, that was your best fucking friend!

  Michael De Santa : [walks away]  Fuck you. Aahh! You know what, tough guy? It's... it's time you grow the fuck up.

  [anguished] 

  Michael De Santa : I mean, I admit I'm a bad piece of work. But that guy? That piece of shit! No boundaries. No sense of when to back off. No nothing! Twenty four seven insanity! Day in and day out! All the time! Never regretted nothing. Never cared for nothing. Well, fuck him. I mean... there's gotta be a limit, kid. You know? A point where even assholes like us say enough is e-fucking-nough. Human stew... that's my limit. I know that now.

  Franklin : I guess that's that then.

• Michael De Santa : You know, Devin, the way I see it, and hey, I'm no intelligent businessman like you. But the way I see it, there's two great evils that bedevil American capitalism of the kind you practice: Number one is outsourcing. You paid a private company to do your dirty work, and then you under paid that company because you thought you were big enough and bad enough that you didn't have to play by the rules. Oh, number two: off-shoring your profits.

  Trevor Philips : Off-shore?

  Michael De Santa : Oh, it's horrible. You wouldn't want to be sent off-shore just to save a little money, would you, T?

  Trevor Philips : Oh, no, I wouldn't.

  Michael De Santa : Franklin?

  Franklin : Oh, nah. I ain't goin' nowhere.

  Michael De Santa : But we know your opinions on the matter, Devin. Keep your problems the fuck out of America, huh?

  Trevor Philips : In this instance, when he puts it like that, it makes sense.

  Michael De Santa : Of course it does. Hey, Devin, goodbye, my old friend. Thanks for all the advice.

  Franklin : Buh-bye.

• [from trailer] 

  Michael De Santa : I'm rich, I'm miserable - I'm pretty average for this town.

• Michael De Santa : [being hit by another driver]  I don't like this car!

• Michael De Santa : Come back, we'll order pizza.

  Trevor Philips : Fuck you! Fuck your pizza. Fuck everything it stands for!

• [from trailer] 

  Michael De Santa : You know, I've been in this game for a lot of years and I got out alive. If you want my advice - give the shit up.

• Trevor Philips : You're like every other asshole. You made a bit of money, and you became a turd.

  Michael De Santa : I've got news for you, I was always a turd.

  Trevor Philips : No! You weren't, man, you were something, but now, man, yeah, you're like this place, you're shell.

  Michael De Santa : Go fuck yourself. Are you some kind of pure, morally justifiable asshole? What, because you're... You're totally psychotic, somehow it's okay?

  Trevor Philips : I'm honest, alright? You're the hypocrite.

  Michael De Santa : Oh, yeah, you're a fucking hero. So far above it all.

  Trevor Philips : Oh, yeah? Well I'm not above ripping open your fucking chest to see what's replaced your heart!

  Michael De Santa : Rip it open, see what's there, baby, 'cause I'm ready!

• Jimmy De Santa : [Michael is sitting on the couch watching a movie while Jimmy is upstairs playing Righteous Slaughter 7]  Dude, do you even have a penis? Or are you one of those hermaphro-dudes born without genitals?

  [Michael turns up the TV, but can still overhear Jimmy's remarks] 

  Jimmy De Santa : You suck cock for fun, only secretly, and then you feel bad about it.

  Michael De Santa : [turns off TV and marches upstairs]  God dammit. Jimmy! God dammit. The fuck you doin'?

  Jimmy De Santa : Nothing.

  Michael De Santa : Really? Because I keep hearing "hermaphrodite" this and "suck cock" that...

  Jimmy De Santa : Go away.

  Michael De Santa : What?

  Jimmy De Santa : Go watch your linear entertainment. Go watch porn. Just go away.

  Michael De Santa : Fuck, you lazy shit.

  [picks up chair and smashes TV screen with it] 

  Michael De Santa : Fuck you!

  Jimmy De Santa : What the fuck?

  Michael De Santa : Disrespectful little asshole!

• Franklin : [they just killed Devin Weston, along with all their other enemies]  Now what?

  Michael De Santa : Now to keep a low profile and get on with our lives.

  Trevor Philips : As friends.

  Michael De Santa : What, do I have a choice?

  Trevor Philips : No, not really.

  Michael De Santa : Alright, then. As flawed, awful, totally uncomfortable, poorly matched friends. Absolutely.

  Trevor Philips : Well that's perfect, then we can get back to the kind of capitalism we practice.

  Franklin : Shit, I don't know how much more better that is than Devin's kind.

  Michael De Santa : Ooh, hypocrisy, Franklin. Civilization's greatest virtue.

  Trevor Philips : Jesus, your therapist has a lot to answer for.

  Michael De Santa : I know. I still hate myself. But at least I know the words for it now.

  Trevor Philips : Yeah, but I hate you and I know the words for it. Does that mean I don't have to go to therapy?

• Amanda De Santa : Get a center, Michael. You have no center.

  Michael De Santa : How about, you suck my cock? Huh? No wait, we'll both get a center before that ever happens!

• Dave Norton : You feel that? The water getting warmer.

  Michael De Santa : Did you wet your pants, Davey?

  Steve Haines : This is a cooling tunnel. Of course it's getting warmer. No one urinated.

  Michael De Santa : Uh, I know for a fact that ain't true.

• Lester Crest : For a couple of mid-west stick-up artists, you guys sure have become a pair of whiny, west coast DOUCHEBAGS!

  Franklin : What the fuck is wrong with the west coast?

  Lester Crest : Oh, nothing. I love it here. Everyone's so numbed by the sun that if you use a three-syllable word, they think you're a professor.

  Franklin : Man, fuck you.

  Trevor Philips : [yelling]  Yeah, fuck you, you high and mighty weasel! And you don't talk down to these fucking idiots!

  Michael De Santa : Hey! Leave Lester alone.

  Trevor Philips : Oh, oh you and Lester together? Oh now that makes fucking sense!

  Franklin : Oh for fuck's sake, man. You all are assholes. Man, I gotta go calm down, homey. This shit was real illuminating.

  [walks away] 

  Michael De Santa : Franklin, I'm sorry. Come on back, have a beer or something.

• Michael De Santa : Oh, hey, Trevor's got his wife.

  Franklin : Trevor's got a wife?

  Michael De Santa : No, no, the Mexican's wife.

  Franklin : What? Shit, I don't know what to say about that one.

  Michael De Santa : Nothing. Nothing to say about that.

• Michael De Santa : Arrgh!

  Franklin : Hey, what's the problem, dog?

  Michael De Santa : Steve fucking Haines!

  Franklin : Of course it's Steve fucking Haines. It's always Steve Haines.

  Lester Crest : That is not strictly true. It's either Steve Haines or it's Trevor, or it's his family. It's always one of them.

  Michael De Santa : Yeah, that's true. It is always one of them. I'm a fat old fuck with a horrible family and even worse friends. I told you, Franklin, I ain't a good role model. Period.

  Franklin : Yeah, whatever, dog. It's either this or dealing dimebags. The bullets come crackin' at yo ass either way.

• Michael De Santa : Back from the dead, motherfucker!

• Michael De Santa : [Lester's factory is devoid of all personnel except for Lester]  What's going on?

  Lester Crest : Oh, just enjoying a little labor dispute. See, we're about to do something really, really bad, and so I need to present myself as a proper textile magnate. So...

  Michael De Santa : So you stopped making anything?

  Lester Crest : Nothing looks more suspicious in America than someone who's actually prepared to make something.

• Steve Haines : The problem with this job is I only get to know the criminals who are dumb enough to get themselves caught.

  Michael De Santa : Only I didn't get myself caught. Remember? I turned myself in.

  Steve Haines : That makes you doubly dumb.

• Michael De Santa : [about to rob the Paleto Bay bank]  We ready for this?

  Trevor Philips : I could use a restroom break.

  Michael De Santa : And risk getting I.D.'d? You're an idiot.

  Trevor Philips : But I gotta go. It's number 2.

  Michael De Santa : Well pinch it off.

  Trevor Philips : I'll go in the bank. I brought a baggy.

  Michael De Santa : Double bag it.

• Lester Crest : That little college boy, sack of shit, phony, fuck!

  Michael De Santa : Who? Jay Norris?

  Lester Crest : Yes. That fuck is a lying bastard, I've read his fucking emails, he's a fucking cheat.

  Michael De Santa : I-I-I heard him say that he saved America...

  Lester Crest : What? By outsourcing all the jobs? By selling us little bits of plastic, restricted-access shit? Well now it's payback time, you lying turd.

• Trevor Philips : You know, Franklin, if there's one thing that you're gonna learn from being around us...

  Michael De Santa : Plead fuckin' insanity. Then they can't fry ya.

• Michael De Santa : Alright... the fuck is this bullshit? We handled your little immigration problem or whatever the fuck it was. We're straight.

  Steve Haines : Oh absolutely... yeah, yeah. You killed people, you tortured people, committed a litany of other crimes... Oh we're so straight you and me, we're arrows.

• Dave Norton : Special Agent Norton.

  Michael De Santa : Shit. Davey. Shit, he knows. I think he knows.

  Dave Norton : What? Who?

  Michael De Santa : Think!

  Dave Norton : [realizes he's talking about Trevor uncovering their little secret]  Shit. Shit! How?

  Michael De Santa : I don't know how. He used his head.

• Amanda De Santa : It sounds shady. I don't like it.

  Michael De Santa : Well luckily I don't give a shit what you like.

• Michael De Santa : Davey, can't you do anything about this fucking turd?

  Steve Haines : [sarcastically]  Yeah, Dave, what can you do about me?

• Dave Norton : The shit's about to hit the fan.

  Michael De Santa : Our entire lives together have been nothing but a series of fans and shits.

• Franklin : Look, man, you two motherfuckers terrify me of that middle-age.

  Michael De Santa : You're right to be afraid, Franklin.

  Franklin : Yeah.

  Michael De Santa : [theatrically]  Be very afraid, Franklin.

  [Franklin rides off on his motorcycle as Michael gets into his car] 

  Michael De Santa : I'll tell you one thing, T. I'm gettin' too old for this nonsense.

  [drives off, as Trevor awkwardly walks out of frame] 

• Michael De Santa : [waltzes into the apartment]  You got another one of those, Harvey?

  Harvey Molina : Who are you?

  Michael De Santa : A guy with your best interests at heart. I'll fill your pockets with money and all you gotta do is take a little vacation.

  Harvey Molina : Hey, I work two jobs, man. I'll take any break I can get.

  Michael De Santa : Good.

  Harvey Molina : You want the beer?

  Michael De Santa : No, just the coveralls. Oh, and your I.D.

  Harvey Molina : It's in there.

  Michael De Santa : [takes duffle bag]  Oh, and Harvey, I probably don't need to say this, but you don't play ball, I'll be forced to do something I really don't wanna do. Enjoy your beer.

  [leaves] 

• Dave Norton : [Michael calls Dave after the shootout at the Kortz Center]  You made it!

  Michael De Santa : I saved you again, Davey. Again! So what are you gonna for me about Steve, the FIB, the IAA and everyone else?

  Dave Norton : History is written by the living, okay? We can pin most of it on Agent Sanchez. If I get that story right, then the Agency and Bureau will back off. The problem we need to deal with is Trevor.

  Michael De Santa : Trevor? Why?

  Dave Norton : Try Merryweather, Chinese gangsters, general insanity and so on. I can spin Steve you're controllable, but not Trevor.

  Michael De Santa : Steve?

  Dave Norton : He's our wounded hero right now. I've gotta cozy up to him, calm him down.

  Michael De Santa : Just get me out!

• Michael De Santa : Fuck you.

  Trevor Philips : You know, I'm beginning to think that's exactly what you wanna do.

  Michael De Santa : [mutters]  I just said the same fucking thing to my wife.

• Solomon Richards : "Pluto? I said Mars, ya cocksucker."

  Michael De Santa : Shoulder of Orion... 2!

• Michael De Santa : It's a foolish man who builds his house in sand, baby.

  Franklin : I don't think my boy Matthew was thinking trucks when he wrote that shit.

• Franklin : We're finna risk our lives to rob some motherfucking government killers again?

  Michael De Santa : Yup.

• Lester Crest : You know, Trevor has a point about you. You whine too much.

  Michael De Santa : [flips him off]  Ah, fuck you.

  Lester Crest : Oh, don't even try it.

• Michael De Santa : I just watched Devin Weston's legal counsel get juiced in a jet engine.

  Solomon Richards : Oh that Molly woman? Oh lord, that's horrible.

  Michael De Santa : You have no idea. She panicked, went crazy and ran into it, but I saved the print so we still got our movie.

  Solomon Richards : You believed that analog thing? It's all digital. We have back-ups everywhere. I mean we're shooting on greenscreen.

  Michael De Santa : Well you could've told me!

  Solomon Richards : I'm sorry, I thought you knew.

• Devin Weston : Molly's highly strung. She's not gonna stop and talk it out with a deranged killer chasing after her.

  Michael De Santa : That ain't who I am... today.

• Michael De Santa : My wife got screwed by a yogi. And now I'm getting screwed by a yogi? Fuck that! I'm a producer! Nobody fucks with my film!

• Michael De Santa : We're gonna need a crew. I could round up some of the old guys.

  Lester Crest : There are no "old guys." Moses, ironically, he found Jesus. All those Irish crazies, they mostly just disappeared. That crew from the south, they all went down. There was... an eastern European guy making moves in Liberty City... nah, he went quiet.

• Michael De Santa : Boy, you work hard for your living. Boil it all down for me, how much you think you make per senseless killing? A couple nickels?

• [repeated line] 

  Michael De Santa : Fuck you, Dave.

• Lamar Davis : [the only occurrence in the game where Michael and Lamar speak to each other; Michael is sitting on a bench at the beach as Franklin and Lamar walk by him]  Excuse me, homie, can you tell me where Bertolt Beach House is?

  Michael De Santa : No, homie, I cannot.

  Franklin : Man, would you come on? Fuck.

  Michael De Santa : [stands up]  Actually, yeah. That house right there with the yellow stairs.

  Lamar Davis : Good lookin' out, homie. Appreciate it.

• Michael De Santa : [stealing a car]  Ah, it's insured. Don't be a dick.

• Michael De Santa : [after scoring a point on tennis]  Not bad for a fat old fuck.

• Michael De Santa : It feels like I'm giving a colonoscopy to the Statue of Happiness.

  Steve Haines : Nice change from being up Trevor Phillips' ass all day.

• Lester Crest : What's the problem, you don't like shooters?

  Michael De Santa : They're all the same. Besides, you know me. I'm a movie guy. Classic Vinewood.

  Lester Crest : Classic Vinewood ended 30 years ago. Now it's just superheroes, romantic comedies and remakes. None of which interest me.

  Michael De Santa : Hey, I believe this country can still make interesting movies. There's no better way to define American life than a two hour plot in which the hero looks good and defeats evil.

  Lester Crest : Whatever. Enjoy yesterday.

• Dr. Isiah Friedlander : Here, can we just get a quick photo together?

  [sits next to Michael and snaps the picture] 

  Dr. Isiah Friedlander : Cheese.

  Michael De Santa : What is this?

  Dr. Isiah Friedlander : I really think I can't treat you anymore. The fact is... I'm in love with you.

  Michael De Santa : [jumps back]  The fuck you talking about, Doc?

  Dr. Isiah Friedlander : Okay, I'm just kidding, that's not true. See? You're learning.

  Michael De Santa : What's going on?

  Dr. Isiah Friedlander : I think you need a new therapist, and, I'm leaving town. I've got a TV show. I'm gonna be famous.

  [sing-songy] 

  Dr. Isiah Friedlander : I'm gonna be famous! Ha, think of the fucking tail. All those fucking bitches who called me pube head, they'll be lining up to suck it now.

  Michael De Santa : [advances menacingly toward Friedlander]  You got a TV show? You?

  Dr. Isiah Friedlander : [backing toward the door]  Uh, best not to think too closely about what I just said. It's not like I'll be using real names. I-I'm really discreet. Bye now.

  [leaves office; Michael chases after him] 

• Anton Beaudelaire : Listen, I'm still feeling a little keyed up. What do you say I go on a little jolly and call Solomon from wherever I wake up?

  Michael De Santa : How about you see him right now, and we go flying again if you even look like you'll fail a piss test at any point on this shoot?

• Fabian Larouche : Amanda, come. I have a new unitard on hold. You must pay for it.

  Michael De Santa : Hey, buddy! I'm gonna ask politely that you show my wife a little respect.

  Fabian Larouche : Red meat has been blocking your chi, as well as your digestive tract.

  Michael De Santa : I ain't even gonna go there. I'm gonna ask you one time. Nicely...

  Amanda De Santa : Michael, just hit him. Please!

  Michael De Santa : Anything for you, sweetheart.

  [grabs a woman's laptop and whacks Fabian over the head with it] 

• [repeated line during the Epsilon missions] 

  Michael Townley : Kifflom.

• Franklin : You can always buy another boat.

  Michael De Santa : Yeah, tell my accountant that.

  Franklin : You could get credit for one.

  Michael De Santa : And have you come repo it? No thank you.

  Franklin : Alright, homey.

  Michael De Santa : I ain't your homey. I'm someone you wanna impress.

  Franklin : Really? I thought you was retired. Why the fuck do I wanna impress slipper wearing motherfucker?

  Michael De Santa : Because I can still teach you a thing or two. Maybe help you open the door to all the joys that boat-related parenting issues entail.