- Leonard Hofstadter: Do you want to hear something weird?
- Penny: Sure.
- Sheldon Cooper: In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was made an honorary Harlem Globetrotter.
- Leonard Hofstadter: What are you talking about?
- Sheldon Cooper: You asked Penny if she wanted to hear something weird.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, because I have something weird to tell her.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh. I thought it was a game.
- Sheldon Cooper: You know, the holidays are just around the corner. Maybe he wants to see if he can lodge your other testicle up there.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I told you, that was a different guy.
- Penny: Mm, that's too bad. Could've spent New Year's Eve waiting for the ball to drop.
- Penny: Did Sheldon change the wi-fi password again?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah. It's "pennyalreadyeatsourfoodshecanpayforwifi". No spaces.
- Sheldon Cooper: [while they run] You did it, Leonard! You stood up to your bully!
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, I feel pretty good about myself. You think we can outrun him?
- Sheldon Cooper: I don't need to outrun him. I just need to outrun you!
- Sheldon Cooper: Okay, Penny, if it were a game, here are your choices: an email from an old acquaintance or the head of one of the largest religious institutions in the world slam-dunking to Sweet Georgia Brown. Pick.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Just do it because he's not gonna let it go.
- Penny: Basketball Pope.
- Sheldon Cooper: And that's how it's done.
- Sheldon Cooper: Is this the fella who peed in your Hawaiian punch?
- Leonard Hofstadter: No, that was a different guy.
- Sheldon Cooper: Was this the guy who wedgied you so hard your testicle reascended and you spent the whole Christmas break waiting for it to come back down?
- Leonard Hofstadter: No, that was a different-different guy.
- Sheldon Cooper: Was he the one who used your head to open a nut?
- Leonard Hofstadter: No.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, oh, oh! Was he the one who made you eat your arm hair?
- Leonard Hofstadter: No, that... Actually, that was this guy's sister.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Honey, it doesn't matter what you did in the past. You're a good person now.
- Penny: That's easy for you to say. You weren't just called a bu-bu-bu-bitch.
- Howard Wolowitz: Hey, we're here to support you, man.
- Leonard Hofstadter: No, you're not. You're here to see if he can pull my underwear over my head.
- Howard Wolowitz: You wore underwear? You fool!
- Jimmy: Look at you. Little Leonard Hofstadter. I hear you're a big time scientist now.
- Sheldon Cooper: And there's the first zinger. Ouch.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: I don't think I can meet the girl who was always mean to me, Tammy Bodnick. One time while I was in gym class she stole all my clothes and left an elf costume in my locker. The worst part was, it was too big.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: That's nothing. In ninth grade, the girls put Rogaine in my hand lotion. Within six months, the nicknames began to fly. I think the one that hurt the most was Gorilla Fingers Fowler.
- Sheldon Cooper: [Watching the Nobel Prize ceremonies] Look at these men. They've managed to win the top science prize in the world with no more knowledge of the quantum underpinnings of the expansion of the early universe than God gave a goose. Pay attention, Leonard. That might be you someday.
- Penny: I feel just like Mother Teresa, except for the virgin part. That ship sailed a long time ago.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: I think Mother Teresa would have washed the clothes first.
- Penny: Yeah, well, I bet her laundry room wasn't down five flights of stairs.
- Sheldon Cooper: What my spineless friend lacks the courage to say is you're a terrible person who took advantage of his tiny size, his uncoordinated nature, and his congenital lack of masculinity.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon...
- Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, I platonically love you, man, but face it, you're a mess.
- Sheldon Cooper: I'm not going to say I told you so, but we could have killed him.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I might kill him right now.
- Sheldon Cooper: The Dark Knight has your back. He's scared, but he has your back.
- Leonard Hofstadter: God Sheldon, do I have to hold up a sarcasm sign to my mouth every time I speak?
- Sheldon Cooper: You have a sarcasm sign?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: What do you say to hiding a recording device in your ample bosom?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: I don't want anything in my ample bosom.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Come on, strawberries, take one for the team.