- Harry Vanderspeigle: These gravel workers are all in excellent physical shape and very good-looking. One thing I know about attractive humans is they do not work the night shift. They work in the light, so everyone can enjoy them. No, these are not humans.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: The greatest force in the universe is entropy, the tendency toward chaos. Things fall apart. There is no extended warranty. Even if there were, it would still be a ripoff.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Oh, I see, tits for tats. You play well. You have good tits.
- Max Hawthorne: Inappropriate.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: What if you get in a car accident on the way there? You both die on impact. Max is left alone, hungry. He has to eat the dead flesh of his parents. If I'm there, he could eat me.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: The cold air on my underparts keeps my scrotum taut.
- Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Okay, well, I don't really want to know what's going on with your scrotum. Would you mind closing your robe, please?
- Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Winter is the best time to go anywhere. Seasonal depression increases suicide rates, so fewer people are traveling. We are going to have the whole park to ourselves. It's going to be great!
- D'Arcy Bloom: No, I've definitely never seen this guy before. Not ever, never. Did you know that "never" is short for "not ever"? I feel like I maybe made that up. Anyway, I haven't seen him.
- Deputy Liv Baker: What about the shirt? Is it familiar?
- D'Arcy Bloom: It's Colorado. The people here are practically made of plaid.
- Deputy Liv Baker: I only hit the curb once, and it was just because I was distracted by a pigeon with a limp. Poor thing. And then I almost hit the pigeon.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: Don't worry about limping pigeons. Over time, they've developed the ability to fake ankle injuries to get more bread from people. It's sad. It used to be such a proud bird.
- Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Without gravel, we couldn't live.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: I prefer not living to this conversation.
- Deputy Liv Baker: You called me a liar, Nana.
- Nana Baker: I did not. I called you a fantasist. I said you were always making stuff up and your relationship with reality was tenuous at best.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: That seems worse.
- Judy Cooper: I saved you a seat. It's the one on this stool.
- [giggles]
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: [laughs] Could we have a word?
- Judy Cooper: It's my butt.
- [laughs]
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: [laughs] Yeah, I know. Ah, in the back.
- Judy Cooper: Yeah, I do that, too.
- D'Arcy Bloom: Harry's gonna stop Yellowstone from ... blowing up.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: No, I did not say that. I said I will stop the Greys from blowing it up. I cannot stop Yellowstone from blowing itself up.
- [takes a bit]
- D'Arcy Bloom: I'm sorry, what?
- Harry Vanderspeigle: The Yellowstone caldera, it erupts every 600,000 years. The last time it erupted was 634,000 years ago, so, yes, that baby is crowning. Wouldn't it be funny if I stopped the Greys and then the caldera blew up right after?
- Dan Twelvetrees: That would be funny.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Because of the timing. Comedy ...
- [takes a bite]
- Harry Vanderspeigle: is all about ...
- [grimaces, then awkwardly makes several attempts to pull a hair off his tongue ... slowly]
- Harry Vanderspeigle: ... the timing.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: The earth will not be destroyed.
- Asta Twelvetrees: Okay. Good.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: It will kill millions of people though, including all of you. I prefer it with the whipped cream.
- Asta Twelvetrees: What are we supposed to do with this information?
- Dan Twelvetrees: What did you do with it before?
- D'Arcy Bloom: Not know it!
- Max Hawthorne: [tazes a hybrid] Someone here ask for an orange?
- [holds out a peeled orange]
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Is that a catchphrase?
- Max Hawthorne: I'm trying it out.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: It's not very good.
- Deputy Liv Baker: And you're a master of control?
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: Well, I mean, more of a Jedi, but I'm working towards master.
- Kate Hawthorne: You microwaved a turtle?
- Mayor Ben Hawthorne: No. I microwaved a rock that looks a lot like a turtle.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Planets are alive. On planet Earth, volcanoes, forest fires and earthquakes are just some of its natural processes. They are all necessary for Earth's survival. Even if they take out a few million people now and then.
- Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Gravel is one of the most important building materials in the whole world.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Gravel is big dirt.
- Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Much more complex than that. Without gravel, we couldn't live.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: I prefer not living to this conversation.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: You stay here.
- Max Hawthorne: I wanna help.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Fine. You can help with one thing.
- Max Hawthorne: Okay.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Peel this orange. When I get back, I'll eat it.
- Mayor Ben Hawthorne: [talking about his wife] I want to do it because Kate said it, and I like it when she's happy.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: That's an awful way to live