- [first lines]
- Spider-Man: Hey! It's me, Peter Parker. Your friendly neighborhood... you know. I've come a long way after being bit by a spider. Before, nothing went right for me. Now, people really like me. I keep the city safe, I'm at the top of my class, and I'm even in love with the girl of my dream.
- Little Boy: Spider-Man, will you stop narrating please.
- Spider-Man: What?
- Little Boy: You're narrating. It's kind of unnecessary.
- Spider-Man: Unnecessary? But how are people gonna know what I've been up to all this time?
- Little Boy: Spider-Man, we're not idiots. Just go and do your thing.
- Spider-Man: Oh... well, alright then. But what if I need to tell the audience something about the...
- Little Boy: No narrating!
- Superman: What the heck was that?
- Batman: Peter Parker just did a Saturday Night Fever strut across our window.
- Superman: I know. But why?
- Batman: I'm not sure. But I was afraid something like this would happen.
- Superman: What do you mean?
- Batman: Uh, have you seen this?
- [Batman shows a video on his cellphone of Spider-Man dancing]
- Butler: The night your father died, I cleaned his wound. The blade that pierced his body came from his glider. There's no question that your father died by his own hands.
- Harry Osborn: You are so fired.
- Butler: What?
- Harry Osborn: You've known that all this time and pick now to tell me?
- Butler: I thought this would be the best time to tell you the truth.
- Harry Osborn: I took a grenade to the face, dude!
- Spider-Man: Wait, why do you have that scary Venom face if you're just gonna peel it back when you talk?
- Venom: Because this way I get more face time.
- Spider-Man: That's lame.
- Venom: You're lame, and I'm gonna kill your girlfriend.
- Spider-Man: Oh, there's a big surprise. Out of all the dastardly plots you could put together, you threaten my girlfriend. Just like every villain I've encountered.
- Venom: Hey, if ain't broke, don't fix it.
- Spider-Man: Seriously? You rush in here like you can take me? This is my third movie. Spider-Man Tres, amigo. You think they're gonna kill me off? No. Look, do you know of any movies where they kill the title character off at the end?
- Venom: Donnie Darko. Old Yeller. Romeo and Juliet.
- Spider-Man: I'm just saying, there's only one way this is gonna go down. It happens every time. We'll fight for a bit, you'll tear my mask, but in the end I'm just gonna leap out of the way and you're gonna do something that makes you kill yourself.
- Venom: Or maybe I'm kill you and your girlfriend because I'm awesome and you met your match.