Laura Ortiz: Laura

Quotes 

• Laura : Sorry I'm late. Saw a dead raccoon on the road on my way over here. Had a bit of a struggle getting it into my trunk. It may not have been completely dead. But now it is.

• Laura : Didn't you boys get each other anything?

  Joe : We don't exchange gifts. It devalues the spirit of the holidays amongst dudes.

  Adam : We don't have any money.

  Joe : And there's that.

• Joe : And that's how we became best friends.

  Corri : What about the dead body?

  Joe : There wasn't one.

  [Sadly] 

  Joe : My parents just couldn't afford crayons.

  Laura : I want to see a dead body.

  Joe : Maybe later, Babe.

• Joe : So what do we do now? No TV. Cold food. Should we play a game?

  Adam : We could play a game of wine.

  Laura : How do you you play?

  Adam : Well, basically, we open the other bottles of wine that you ladies brought and then we drink them.

  Laura : How do you win?

  Adam : Everybody wins at wine, Laura. Everybody wins.

• Corri : Hey, speaking of surprises, do you remember when we set up Joe and laura on their first date?

  Adam : How could I forget.

  Joe : Greatest day of our lives, right Babe?

  Laura : Second greatest.

  Joe : What was the first greatest?

  Laura : [Looking at Adam angrily]  The day that Jesus was born.

  Adam : Oh, come on! How is that the greatest day of your life? You weren't even alive then!

  Laura : Funny, I don't remember you being there.

• Joe : [Regarding Adam and Corri holding hands]  Do you two ever stop? You've been holding hands forever.

  Laura : I'll hold your hand forever if you want.

  Joe : Do... do you...

  Laura : Do I what?

  Joe : Do you have five bucks? Parking.

• Corri : Somebody just tell another story.

  Adam : How about how we got to know our boss Lance Rockett?

  Laura : Let me guess, you guys went into the cable station and applied for a job?

  Joe : [Speaking over Adam]  Well it all started in High School...

  Adam : [Speaking over Joe]  We were in High School and...

  Joe : Do you wanna...?

  Adam : No why don't you do it.

  Joe : No, no please.

  Adam : No, go ahead

  Joe : No, please.

  Adam : Clearly you wanna tell the story. It's all you.

  Joe : No, it's your flashback. You wrote it, so... please.

  Adam : Yeah, well, you know what? I don't even know it. So why don't you do it.

  Joe : Please.

  Adam : G'head.

  Joe : Please.

  Adam : G'head.

  Joe : Please.

  Adam : G'head.

  Joe : Please.

  Adam : [Finishes his wine. Puts it down. Looks back at Joe]  G'head.

  Joe : [Puts down his wine]  Please.

  Corri : Maybe if you both just split it up...

  Adam : SHHH!

  [He and Joe get into a stare off, neither of them willing to budge or say anything for an uncomfortable few minutes] 

• Laura : Framingham sucks!

• Adam : And that's why Jewish people are smarter than everyone else. It all starts with the fact that Santa Claus isn't real -

  [Laura smacks him across the face] 

  Adam : Ow! What was that for?

  Laura : Just getting you ready for the pain you'll feel when you burn in hell.

  Adam : [Smugly]  Don't believe in hell.

  Laura : [Demonic voice]  But hell believes... in you.

  [Turning to the camera with a Kermit the Frog impression] 

  Laura : It's the Holliston Christmas Special, yaaaaay!