Modern Family (TV Series)

Schooled (2012)

Ty Burrell: Phil Dunphy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Phil Dunphy : [Quoting from 'Phil's-osophy']  'When life gives you lemonade, make lemons. Life will be all like, Whaaaat?'

• Phil Dunphy : [Quoting from 'Phil's-osophy]  'Dance until your feet hurt; sing until your lungs hurt; act until your William Hurt.'

• Claire Dunphy : [Quoting from 'Phil's-osophy]  'Marry someone who looks sexy while disappointed.'

  [Gives Phil a look] 

  Phil Dunphy : See?

• Phil Dunphy : [Quoting from 'Phil's-osophy]  'You only get on chance at a first impression. I suggest Julia child, because it is easy to do'.

  [Imitates Julia Child] 

  Phil Dunphy : 'Save the giblets'!

• Phil Dunphy : [Quoting from Phil's-osophy]  'Always look people in the eye. Even if they're blind. Just say, 'I'm looking you in the eye'.

• Claire Dunphy : Haley. Hi, honey. You okay?

  Haley Dunphy : Yeah. Where are you guys?

  Phil Dunphy : Almost home, honey.

  Haley Dunphy : Dad, I really like that book.

  Phil Dunphy : You do?

  Claire Dunphy : Sweetheart, is everything okay?

  Haley Dunphy : Yeah. I just wanted to say thank you for everything, you know, today and stuff.

  Claire Dunphy : O-Of course.

  Phil Dunphy : Sure.

  Claire Dunphy : Of course. If-if you need anything at all-

  [Her voice breaks] 

  Claire Dunphy : -you just call us.

  Haley Dunphy : [Joking]  I'll probably need some more condoms soon.

  Phil Dunphy : Not funny. I'm sending you some Care Bear sheets.

  Haley Dunphy : Anyway. I should probably get going. We have orientation at 7 A.M.

  Claire Dunphy : G-good luck with that, sweetie.

  Haley Dunphy : I love you, guys.

  Phil Dunphy : We love you, too, honey.

  Claire Dunphy : So, so much.

• Phil Dunphy : [Sneaks up behind 'Claire']  I'd like admission to your student body.

  [Grabs her butt] 

  Jorie : Ahh!

  Phil Dunphy : Oh, my goodness! I am so sorry. I thought you were my wife.

  Jorie's Dad : What's going on?

  Jorie : He grabbed me and said...

  Phil Dunphy : I thought she was my wife. My wife works out a lot.

  Haley Dunphy : Dad?

  Jorie's Dad : How'd he grab you?

  Jorie : He squeezed my butt.

  Jorie's Dad : He what?

  Claire Dunphy : Phil!

  Phil Dunphy : I thought it was you! Believe me, sir, I'm a respected realtor. This is an innocent mistake. Honey, turn around and show him your-your butt. It's-it's uncanny.

  Haley Dunphy : [Urging him to stop]  Dad! I am very normal. Please do not judge me based on them.

• Phil Dunphy : [Haley reads from 'Phil's-osophy']  'Take a lesson from parakeets - if you're ever feeling lonely, just eat in front of a mirror. Never be afraid to reach for the stars, because even if you fall, you'll always be wearing a parent-chute. TM.'

• Haley Dunphy : Oh, my god. What is that shirt?

  Phil Dunphy : Pretty sweet, huh? 'Haley Dunphy Moving Company'. See? 'Cause we're moving you here and here. And also

  [taps his heart] 

  Phil Dunphy : here. Man, you used to live it when we swung you like that.

  Claire Dunphy : I bet we could still do it.

  Phil Dunphy : Yeah!

  Claire Dunphy : Yeah.

  Haley Dunphy : Oh, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. Don't you dare pick me up! And take that shirt off!

  Phil Dunphy : What? Why?

  Claire Dunphy : Oh, it's cute!

  Haley Dunphy : It's not cute! Do you see what's happening out there? People are walking around and judging each other.

  Phil Dunphy : No, they're not.

  Haley Dunphy : Oh, really? You didn't see the way muffin too across the hall was looking at me? People can be cruel! So take it off.

  Phil Dunphy : Fine.

  [Starts pulling off shirt] 

  Haley Dunphy : Oh, my God! Put on a shirt!

  Phil Dunphy : I don't know what you want from me!

• Jorie : Are those your My Little Pony sheets?

  Haley Dunphy : What? No!

  Claire Dunphy : Oh. I ordered them online. They must have sent the wrong ones. I'm very sorry.

  Phil Dunphy : That's what's was in the box.

  [Accidently knocks the box over, spills out the condoms Claire packed] 

  Phil Dunphy : Okay, uh, for the record, I am a respected realtor. Those are not my condoms.

  [Points at Claire] 

  Phil Dunphy : She bought 'em.

  Haley Dunphy : Oh, my God.

  Phil Dunphy : Apparently, that's what people do these days - but condoms for their kids. When I went to college, my parents bought me a bicycle helmet. That was their idea of safety. Certainly didn't need condoms.

  Claire Dunphy : Mm. Not if you were wearing a bike helmet around campus, you didn't.

  [laughs] 

  Claire Dunphy : Am I right?

  Haley Dunphy : Ugh!

  [Sits with her head in her hands] 

  Jorie's Dad : ... why don't we let you guys finish, and we'll come back later?

  Claire Dunphy , Phil Dunphy : Okay.

  Phil Dunphy : Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Uh-huh. Yeah. That sounds good. See you on parents weekend!

  Claire Dunphy : They seem nice!

• Claire Dunphy : Yes, I am sad Haley is leaving, but I'm gonna be okay knowing I've done everything I can to get her set up and prepared and off on the right foot.

  Phil Dunphy : Not me. When we're standing in her dorm room saying goodbye, it's gonna be one of the most emotional moments of my life. I'm gonna cry harder than the first time I saw 'Air Bud'.

  Claire Dunphy : Oh.

  Phil Dunphy : Especially when I give her this.

  [Pulls out book] 

  Phil Dunphy : 'Phil's-osophy'. A hardbound collection of all the life lessons I've learned.

• Phil Dunphy : Claire. In Haley's stuff, there's a box of condoms.

  Claire Dunphy : Yeah. Um, I-I bought those for her.

  Phil Dunphy : What? Why don't you just buy her some fishnet stockings and a nurse's outfit? Not that that's my thing. That just popped into my head.

  Claire Dunphy : Honey, she's an adult, and she's going to college. I want to be realistic. I don't want her to get caught unprepared.

  Phil Dunphy : 24 times? What, are you buying her a four-year supply?

  Claire Dunphy : [scoffing]  Please. Phil, that would've lasted me and my college boyfriend, like, a long...

  Phil Dunphy : [covering his ears]  La, la, la, la, la, la!

• Claire Dunphy : Luke, come say goodbye to your sister.

  Luke Dunphy : [wearing a mask of Megatron]  I'm right here. Bye, Haley. Have fun. Don't drink too much beer and shots of tequila.

  Haley Dunphy : Why are you wearing that mask?

  Luke Dunphy : Uh, I-I like it.

  Claire Dunphy : He doesn't want you to see him cry.

  Alex Dunphy : He's literally masking his emotions.

  Luke Dunphy : No!

  Phil Dunphy : That's so sweet.

  Haley Dunphy : Come here.

  Luke Dunphy : It's not sweet. I'm an evil cyborg. Half my face was burned off in an industrial accident, and the mask is hiding the servos that control my mouth.

• Phil Dunphy : Haley, this is, like, the third bag of makeup and hair care products.

  Haley Dunphy : Dad, if you want me to get good grades, I have to look cute.

  [to Alex] 

  Haley Dunphy : Don't say a word.

  Alex Dunphy : No, no. I agree with that premise.

  Haley Dunphy : Thank you. Wait.

  [Thinking] 

  Haley Dunphy : Yeah, thank you.

• Phil Dunphy : If I could just have everyone's attention real quick. Um, on this wonderful occasion - our daughter leaving tomorrow for college - if I could get everyone to raise their glass as I quote from one of our nation's great fathers: Jefferson. George Jefferson. 'I never dreamed that one of my own would be going off to a university. But here I stand, a proud black man, knowing that all those hours I put in at the dry cleaner-'

  Claire Dunphy : Phil.

  Phil Dunphy : Not now, Weezie. Where was I?

  Haley Dunphy : Quoting that president.

  Alex Dunphy : Okay, if *she's* the future of America, we should start using Chinese money now.