Modern Family (TV Series)
Schooled (2012)
Sarah Hyland: Haley Dunphy
Photos
Quotes
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Claire Dunphy : Haley. Hi, honey. You okay?
Haley Dunphy : Yeah. Where are you guys?
Phil Dunphy : Almost home, honey.
Haley Dunphy : Dad, I really like that book.
Phil Dunphy : You do?
Claire Dunphy : Sweetheart, is everything okay?
Haley Dunphy : Yeah. I just wanted to say thank you for everything, you know, today and stuff.
Claire Dunphy : O-Of course.
Phil Dunphy : Sure.
Claire Dunphy : Of course. If-if you need anything at all-
[Her voice breaks]
Claire Dunphy : -you just call us.
Haley Dunphy : [Joking] I'll probably need some more condoms soon.
Phil Dunphy : Not funny. I'm sending you some Care Bear sheets.
Haley Dunphy : Anyway. I should probably get going. We have orientation at 7 A.M.
Claire Dunphy : G-good luck with that, sweetie.
Haley Dunphy : I love you, guys.
Phil Dunphy : We love you, too, honey.
Claire Dunphy : So, so much.
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Phil Dunphy : [Sneaks up behind 'Claire'] I'd like admission to your student body.
[Grabs her butt]
Jorie : Ahh!
Phil Dunphy : Oh, my goodness! I am so sorry. I thought you were my wife.
Jorie's Dad : What's going on?
Jorie : He grabbed me and said...
Phil Dunphy : I thought she was my wife. My wife works out a lot.
Haley Dunphy : Dad?
Jorie's Dad : How'd he grab you?
Jorie : He squeezed my butt.
Jorie's Dad : He what?
Claire Dunphy : Phil!
Phil Dunphy : I thought it was you! Believe me, sir, I'm a respected realtor. This is an innocent mistake. Honey, turn around and show him your-your butt. It's-it's uncanny.
Haley Dunphy : [Urging him to stop] Dad! I am very normal. Please do not judge me based on them.
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Haley Dunphy : Oh, my god. What is that shirt?
Phil Dunphy : Pretty sweet, huh? 'Haley Dunphy Moving Company'. See? 'Cause we're moving you here and here. And also
[taps his heart]
Phil Dunphy : here. Man, you used to live it when we swung you like that.
Claire Dunphy : I bet we could still do it.
Phil Dunphy : Yeah!
Claire Dunphy : Yeah.
Haley Dunphy : Oh, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. Don't you dare pick me up! And take that shirt off!
Phil Dunphy : What? Why?
Claire Dunphy : Oh, it's cute!
Haley Dunphy : It's not cute! Do you see what's happening out there? People are walking around and judging each other.
Phil Dunphy : No, they're not.
Haley Dunphy : Oh, really? You didn't see the way muffin too across the hall was looking at me? People can be cruel! So take it off.
Phil Dunphy : Fine.
[Starts pulling off shirt]
Haley Dunphy : Oh, my God! Put on a shirt!
Phil Dunphy : I don't know what you want from me!
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Jorie : Are those your My Little Pony sheets?
Haley Dunphy : What? No!
Claire Dunphy : Oh. I ordered them online. They must have sent the wrong ones. I'm very sorry.
Phil Dunphy : That's what's was in the box.
[Accidently knocks the box over, spills out the condoms Claire packed]
Phil Dunphy : Okay, uh, for the record, I am a respected realtor. Those are not my condoms.
[Points at Claire]
Phil Dunphy : She bought 'em.
Haley Dunphy : Oh, my God.
Phil Dunphy : Apparently, that's what people do these days - but condoms for their kids. When I went to college, my parents bought me a bicycle helmet. That was their idea of safety. Certainly didn't need condoms.
Claire Dunphy : Mm. Not if you were wearing a bike helmet around campus, you didn't.
[laughs]
Claire Dunphy : Am I right?
Haley Dunphy : Ugh!
[Sits with her head in her hands]
Jorie's Dad : ... why don't we let you guys finish, and we'll come back later?
Claire Dunphy , Phil Dunphy : Okay.
Phil Dunphy : Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Uh-huh. Yeah. That sounds good. See you on parents weekend!
Claire Dunphy : They seem nice!
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Claire Dunphy : Okay, we gotta hit the road. Give your sister a hug goodbye.
Haley Dunphy : [Hugging Alex] Don't dork up our room.
Alex Dunphy : Don't slut up your college.
Haley Dunphy : [pause] Seriously, though, don't study too hard, okay?
Alex Dunphy : I'm totally going to have fun. I'm Iceland in the mock U.N.
Haley Dunphy : Mom, we're gonna lose her.
Claire Dunphy : I am doing my best.
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Claire Dunphy : Luke, come say goodbye to your sister.
Luke Dunphy : [wearing a mask of Megatron] I'm right here. Bye, Haley. Have fun. Don't drink too much beer and shots of tequila.
Haley Dunphy : Why are you wearing that mask?
Luke Dunphy : Uh, I-I like it.
Claire Dunphy : He doesn't want you to see him cry.
Alex Dunphy : He's literally masking his emotions.
Luke Dunphy : No!
Phil Dunphy : That's so sweet.
Haley Dunphy : Come here.
Luke Dunphy : It's not sweet. I'm an evil cyborg. Half my face was burned off in an industrial accident, and the mask is hiding the servos that control my mouth.
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Phil Dunphy : Haley, this is, like, the third bag of makeup and hair care products.
Haley Dunphy : Dad, if you want me to get good grades, I have to look cute.
[to Alex]
Haley Dunphy : Don't say a word.
Alex Dunphy : No, no. I agree with that premise.
Haley Dunphy : Thank you. Wait.
[Thinking]
Haley Dunphy : Yeah, thank you.
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Phil Dunphy : If I could just have everyone's attention real quick. Um, on this wonderful occasion - our daughter leaving tomorrow for college - if I could get everyone to raise their glass as I quote from one of our nation's great fathers: Jefferson. George Jefferson. 'I never dreamed that one of my own would be going off to a university. But here I stand, a proud black man, knowing that all those hours I put in at the dry cleaner-'
Claire Dunphy : Phil.
Phil Dunphy : Not now, Weezie. Where was I?
Haley Dunphy : Quoting that president.
Alex Dunphy : Okay, if *she's* the future of America, we should start using Chinese money now.