- Phil Dunphy: [Quoting from 'Phil's-osophy'] 'When life gives you lemonade, make lemons. Life will be all like, Whaaaat?'
- Jay Pritchett: [Quoting from 'Phil's-osophy] 'Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail'.
- Phil Dunphy: [Quoting from 'Phil's-osophy] 'Dance until your feet hurt; sing until your lungs hurt; act until your William Hurt.'
- Cameron Tucker: [Setting up a playdate] We'll host, obviously.
- Pam: 'Obviously'?
- Cameron Tucker: Well, I assume you have an unfinished woodworking project at your house.
- Pam: You've got a lot of nerve.
- Susan: Yeah, and you've got half a canoe in our living room.
- Pam: [Grudgingly] I look forward to your frittata.
- Cameron Tucker: Oh, why, are you visiting us in 2008?
- Claire Dunphy: [Quoting from 'Phil's-osophy] 'Marry someone who looks sexy while disappointed.'
- [Gives Phil a look]
- Phil Dunphy: See?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [Quoting from 'Phil's-osophy] 'You can tell a lot about a person from his biography'.
- Phil Dunphy: [Quoting from 'Phil's-osophy] 'You only get on chance at a first impression. I suggest Julia child, because it is easy to do'.
- [Imitates Julia Child]
- Phil Dunphy: 'Save the giblets'!
- Phil Dunphy: [Quoting from Phil's-osophy] 'Always look people in the eye. Even if they're blind. Just say, 'I'm looking you in the eye'.
- Susan: Yeah. So glad that we are doing this.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Yeah. Yeah, me, too.
- Susan: Yeah. I mean, we're the only gay parents in the class.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Yeah, we should be supporting one another. I mean, we have so much in common.
- Susan: Exactly.
- [Awkward pause]
- Susan: So... tell us about yourselves.
- Mitchell Pritchett: I'm an environmental lawyer.
- Cameron Tucker: Uh, and I'm a homemaker.
- [Pam snorts]
- Mitchell Pritchett: And-and, uh, and what do you do?
- Susan: I'm a financial consultant.
- Pam: I'm a contractor.
- [Cam snorts]
- Pam: What, you thought I was a P.E. teacher, or...?
- Cameron Tucker: Well, figured.
- Pam: Mm.
- Cameron Tucker: Hey, I have a question real quick. How do you guys get the car seat on the motorcycle?
- Principal Roth: Mr. Tucker, what happened out there was unacceptable.
- Cameron Tucker: I agree. Is this kindergarten or 'The Hunger Games'?
- Principal Roth: I'm speaking of *your* behavior. We've never had an incident like this, and now we've had one on the first day, before circle time. What the fudge were you thinking? Now the boy's parents are coming in, and trust me, they're mad as Hello, Kitty.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Oh, you told his parents on us? That is... that is so not cool.
- Cameron Tucker: Well, I'm sure once they hear what their boy did, they will be understanding.
- Pam: [Entering with her partner] All right, whoever made our son cry has messed with the wrong moms.
- Cameron Tucker, Mitchell Pritchett: Lesbians.
- Claire Dunphy: Haley. Hi, honey. You okay?
- Haley Dunphy: Yeah. Where are you guys?
- Phil Dunphy: Almost home, honey.
- Haley Dunphy: Dad, I really like that book.
- Phil Dunphy: You do?
- Claire Dunphy: Sweetheart, is everything okay?
- Haley Dunphy: Yeah. I just wanted to say thank you for everything, you know, today and stuff.
- Claire Dunphy: O-Of course.
- Phil Dunphy: Sure.
- Claire Dunphy: Of course. If-if you need anything at all-
- [Her voice breaks]
- Claire Dunphy: -you just call us.
- Haley Dunphy: [Joking] I'll probably need some more condoms soon.
- Phil Dunphy: Not funny. I'm sending you some Care Bear sheets.
- Haley Dunphy: Anyway. I should probably get going. We have orientation at 7 A.M.
- Claire Dunphy: G-good luck with that, sweetie.
- Haley Dunphy: I love you, guys.
- Phil Dunphy: We love you, too, honey.
- Claire Dunphy: So, so much.
- Phil Dunphy: [Sneaks up behind 'Claire'] I'd like admission to your student body.
- [Grabs her butt]
- Jorie: Ahh!
- Phil Dunphy: Oh, my goodness! I am so sorry. I thought you were my wife.
- Jorie's Dad: What's going on?
- Jorie: He grabbed me and said...
- Phil Dunphy: I thought she was my wife. My wife works out a lot.
- Haley Dunphy: Dad?
- Jorie's Dad: How'd he grab you?
- Jorie: He squeezed my butt.
- Jorie's Dad: He what?
- Claire Dunphy: Phil!
- Phil Dunphy: I thought it was you! Believe me, sir, I'm a respected realtor. This is an innocent mistake. Honey, turn around and show him your-your butt. It's-it's uncanny.
- Haley Dunphy: [Urging him to stop] Dad! I am very normal. Please do not judge me based on them.
- Jay Pritchett: [Gloria is handed a practice doll that's black] You have some explaining to do.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I'm so sorry that you had to find out like this, Jay.
- Cameron Tucker: [Dropping Lily off at kindergarten] Oh, you know what? She forgot her snack.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Oh.
- Cameron Tucker: Where'd she go?
- Lily Tucker-Pritchett: [a boy pulls on her hair] Ow! That hurts! Ow! That hurts!
- Mitchell Pritchett: Oh, Lily, honey! Sweetheart, come here. Come here.
- Cameron Tucker: [Picking the boy up and holding him against a pole] If you ever put your hands on my daughter again, I will string you up by your feet, run you up the flagpole, and let the birds peck out your eyes. You understand?
- Principal Roth: Okay, parents, we'll see you at 12:00.
- Cameron Tucker: [Getting flustered] Oh! All right. Mm!
- Principal Roth: This is when the crying starts.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Does it ever stop? Okay, come on, Cam.
- Cameron Tucker: Okay. You know what, Lily, sweetie? I know this is gonna be difficult...
- Lily Tucker-Pritchett: [Running off] Bye!
- Cameron Tucker: Okay. That was a knife to the heart.
- Manny Delgado: We're going to have a baby. Am I the only one who's terrified?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: But why? Why are you so terrified?
- Manny Delgado: What if it doesn't know not to pick up knives or stick its finger in an electric socket? You were pretty lax, mom. I was the one who told you to turn the pot handles towards the stove so I couldn't reach them.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Manny, I didn't worry about those things because you were worried for the both of us.
- Manny Delgado: What if this baby doesn't think things through? It's part Jay.
- Jay Pritchett: [sarcastic] No offense taken.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: If the baby's different, we'll be different.
- Jay Pritchett: Hey. When you were growing up, you had to be the man of the house and the kid. Now I'm here. You just have to be the kid. I'm not gonna let anything happen to the baby, just like I'm not ever gonna let anything happen to you. Okay?
- Manny Delgado: Okay. That is a load off. *Although*, you forgot to pick me up last week after tango class.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: We didn't forget. We were just ten minutes late.
- Manny Delgado: Ten minutes is a long time in a sketchy neighborhood.
- Jay Pritchett: Please. It was between a Gymboree and a Pottery Barn.
- Mitchell Pritchett: I am so sorry we have to meet like this, but I'm sure you can understand, as parents, the instinct to protect your child.
- Pam: Yeah, it's what makes me want to punch you in the neck right now.
- Cameron Tucker: Wow. I see where your son gets all of his aggression.
- Principal Roth: Okay, let's all take a time-out.
- Mitchell Pritchett: That's a good idea. This is getting a little heated. Right?
- Susan: Yeah, Pam, we don't want another incident like at the lumberyard.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Oh, my god. You guys go to the Lumberyard, too? D... I didn't know they had a ladies' night.
- Pam: Not the bar, Sally.
- Susan: Okay, you know what? He's trying to be nice, and you just called him Sally.
- Cameron Tucker: Yeah, you're not being very helpful, Peppermint Patty.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Okay, let's just stick to our actual names.
- Phil Dunphy: [Haley reads from 'Phil's-osophy'] 'Take a lesson from parakeets - if you're ever feeling lonely, just eat in front of a mirror. Never be afraid to reach for the stars, because even if you fall, you'll always be wearing a parent-chute. TM.'
- Cameron Tucker: Okay, we have an assortment of spring rolls here. All vegetarian, of course.
- Pam: Oh, 'cause I'm a lesbian, I'm automatically a vegetarian?
- Cameron Tucker: Well, I saw it on 'The L Word'. I assume they have consultants.
- Pam: I'm just saying it's an offensive stereotype.
- Susan: Okay, Pam, you *are* a vegetarian.
- Baby Class Teacher: Okay, now that everyone has their doll, let's talk about swaddling. Now, you want to start by turning one corner of the blanket toward you, like a diamond, and folding the top down. Like this.
- Jay Pritchett: [Lowered voice] I think they made a mistake at the hospital!
- [Tries to trade black practice baby as a joke; other couple doesn't laugh]
- Jay Pritchett: Tough room.
- Baby Class Teacher: Now we are going to pull the other corner 'round, and tuck it in nice and snug like a burrito.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Done! I win!
- [drops doll on table]
- Baby Class Teacher: It's not a race.
- Jay Pritchett: You're darn right. It wasn't even close.
- [High-five's Gloria]
- Baby Class Teacher: [Checks the doll] Okay, it's good. But it's a little tight.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: It's a burrito. You don't want the meat to fall out.
- Baby Class Teacher: [Redoes the swaddle] Here. And try like this. And see? Now your baby can breathe.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [Under her breath to Jay] I wrapped my son with one hand while driving a stick. I think I know how to keep a baby safe.
- Cameron Tucker: [Lily's bedroom door is locked] Oh, they've got something over the hole. Lily!
- Pam: Connor!
- Mitchell Pritchett: We can't see anything from outside. The curtains are closed.
- Susan: Open up, Connor! We'll let you have a hot dog!
- Lily Tucker-Pritchett: What if something happened to them? What kind of hazards do you keep in there?
- Mitchell Pritchett: [sarcastic] Well, let's see. That's where we keep our gun collection, our abandoned refrigerator, and our chocolate-covered hypodermic needles.
- Susan: Why are gay men always so sarcastic?
- Mitchell Pritchett: It's my coping mechanism!
- Pam: Okay, that's it! Lily, Connor, if you can hear me, back away from the door. I'm gonna break it down.
- Cameron Tucker: I'll help you.
- Lily Tucker-Pritchett: I don't want Connor to go!
- Connor: I wanna stay!
- Susan: Oh, thank god they're alive!
- Manny Delgado: Jay, Mom, how was class?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: It was great. It was very educating and... and now we know everything about the baby, no?
- Manny Delgado: Mm-hmm. Interesting, because your teacher called, and you forgot your sunglasses when you left. Three hours early.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Ay, Manny, don't be mad.
- Manny Delgado: I'm not mad. Just disappointed.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I hate this. I prefer when he screams.
- Susan: You know, Connor is having a birthday next week. Maybe Lily would like to come.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Oh, she would love that.
- Cameron Tucker: Oh, great. Are you guys having a clown?
- Pam: Oh, god, no. I hate clowns. They're so creepy.
- Cameron Tucker: Maybe you just don't like them because they wear makeup.
- Pam: You know what? I'm out.
- Cameron Tucker: Okay, thanks.
- Pam: Connor, we're leaving!
- Susan: Pam. Pam!
- Mitchell Pritchett: No, you don't understand. Cam used to be a clown.
- Cameron Tucker: Used to be? Once a clown, always a clown.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Look how much fun you're gonna have here, Lily. So many great toys to play with, and you're gonna make so many new friends. Oh, I wish I was in kindergarten again.
- Cameron Tucker: Oh, not me. Did I ever tell you about David Anthony? He used to call me 'Cam the Ham'.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Okay, Lily's day.
- Cameron Tucker: Yeah, you're right. You know what? It's gonna be a great day. I'm just saying, it's difficult to grow up with a name that rhymes with "ham."
- Mitchell Pritchett: Hello? Mitch? Witch. Twitch.
- [Covers Lily's ears and whispers]
- Mitchell Pritchett: Bitch. Elaine Stritch.
- Cameron Tucker: What?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Not all bullies are straight.
- Haley Dunphy: Oh, my god. What is that shirt?
- Phil Dunphy: Pretty sweet, huh? 'Haley Dunphy Moving Company'. See? 'Cause we're moving you here and here. And also
- [taps his heart]
- Phil Dunphy: here. Man, you used to live it when we swung you like that.
- Claire Dunphy: I bet we could still do it.
- Phil Dunphy: Yeah!
- Claire Dunphy: Yeah.
- Haley Dunphy: Oh, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. Don't you dare pick me up! And take that shirt off!
- Phil Dunphy: What? Why?
- Claire Dunphy: Oh, it's cute!
- Haley Dunphy: It's not cute! Do you see what's happening out there? People are walking around and judging each other.
- Phil Dunphy: No, they're not.
- Haley Dunphy: Oh, really? You didn't see the way muffin too across the hall was looking at me? People can be cruel! So take it off.
- Phil Dunphy: Fine.
- [Starts pulling off shirt]
- Haley Dunphy: Oh, my God! Put on a shirt!
- Phil Dunphy: I don't know what you want from me!
- Baby Class Student: Excuse me. We're trying to learn here.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Don't worry so much. Babies are tougher than you think. When I was five years old, my babysitter was a goat.
- Jay Pritchett: What?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Ay, please. You know about Lupe.
- Jay Pritchett: You never said she was a goat.
- Baby Class Teacher: You know, it's great that we have a couple of experienced parents in the class. Perhaps you can share some of your wisdom with the rest of us.
- Jay Pritchett: Absolutely. It's not rocket science. It's babies. They're hungry, you feed 'em. They're teething, you give 'em some scotch.
- Baby Class Teacher: Scotch?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [disbelieving murmuring from the other students] What?
- Jay Pritchett: [cut to one-on-one interviews] So, we left.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I didn't need a lecture from Mary Poppins.
- Jay Pritchett: And I was suddenly in a mood for a burrito.
- Jorie: Are those your My Little Pony sheets?
- Haley Dunphy: What? No!
- Claire Dunphy: Oh. I ordered them online. They must have sent the wrong ones. I'm very sorry.
- Phil Dunphy: That's what's was in the box.
- [Accidently knocks the box over, spills out the condoms Claire packed]
- Phil Dunphy: Okay, uh, for the record, I am a respected realtor. Those are not my condoms.
- [Points at Claire]
- Phil Dunphy: She bought 'em.
- Haley Dunphy: Oh, my God.
- Phil Dunphy: Apparently, that's what people do these days - but condoms for their kids. When I went to college, my parents bought me a bicycle helmet. That was their idea of safety. Certainly didn't need condoms.
- Claire Dunphy: Mm. Not if you were wearing a bike helmet around campus, you didn't.
- [laughs]
- Claire Dunphy: Am I right?
- Haley Dunphy: Ugh!
- [Sits with her head in her hands]
- Jorie's Dad: ... why don't we let you guys finish, and we'll come back later?
- Claire Dunphy, Phil Dunphy: Okay.
- Phil Dunphy: Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Uh-huh. Yeah. That sounds good. See you on parents weekend!
- Claire Dunphy: They seem nice!
- Claire Dunphy: Yes, I am sad Haley is leaving, but I'm gonna be okay knowing I've done everything I can to get her set up and prepared and off on the right foot.
- Phil Dunphy: Not me. When we're standing in her dorm room saying goodbye, it's gonna be one of the most emotional moments of my life. I'm gonna cry harder than the first time I saw 'Air Bud'.
- Claire Dunphy: Oh.
- Phil Dunphy: Especially when I give her this.
- [Pulls out book]
- Phil Dunphy: 'Phil's-osophy'. A hardbound collection of all the life lessons I've learned.
- Claire Dunphy: Okay, we gotta hit the road. Give your sister a hug goodbye.
- Haley Dunphy: [Hugging Alex] Don't dork up our room.
- Alex Dunphy: Don't slut up your college.
- Haley Dunphy: [pause] Seriously, though, don't study too hard, okay?
- Alex Dunphy: I'm totally going to have fun. I'm Iceland in the mock U.N.
- Haley Dunphy: Mom, we're gonna lose her.
- Claire Dunphy: I am doing my best.
- Mitchell Pritchett: [after a toast to Haley] And before everyone puts their glasses down, uh, uh, we're also very proud of Lily. Tomorrow is her first day of kindergarten.
- Cameron Tucker: To Lily. And you'll be impressed to know that she's gonna be one of the smartest girls there. Lily, sweetie, what's the square root of 64?
- Lily Tucker-Pritchett: 8.
- Luke Dunphy: Nice trick. Hey, Lily, what's the square root of this potato?
- Lily Tucker-Pritchett: 8.
- Luke Dunphy: Congratulations. You have a parrot.
- Phil Dunphy: Claire. In Haley's stuff, there's a box of condoms.
- Claire Dunphy: Yeah. Um, I-I bought those for her.
- Phil Dunphy: What? Why don't you just buy her some fishnet stockings and a nurse's outfit? Not that that's my thing. That just popped into my head.
- Claire Dunphy: Honey, she's an adult, and she's going to college. I want to be realistic. I don't want her to get caught unprepared.
- Phil Dunphy: 24 times? What, are you buying her a four-year supply?
- Claire Dunphy: [scoffing] Please. Phil, that would've lasted me and my college boyfriend, like, a long...
- Phil Dunphy: [covering his ears] La, la, la, la, la, la!
- Manny Delgado: Well, Haley and Lily aren't the only ones starting school. My mom and Jay are going to parenting class.
- Jay Pritchett: We're doing it for the baby.
- [Points at Gloria's stomach]
- Jay Pritchett: Not this baby.
- [Points at Manny]
- Jay Pritchett: That baby.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Manny doesn't believe that we know what we're doing. A couple of new hairs under his arm, and now he thinks he knows more than his own mother.
- Manny Delgado: I know not to embarrass my son as he stands on the threshold of manhood.
- Jay Pritchett: I don't know why I have to go to this thing. In case you've forgotten, I raised two kids.
- Mitchell Pritchett: [fighting with Claire nearby] Ow!
- Claire Dunphy: Ow!
- Mitchell Pritchett: Ow. Ow!
- Claire Dunphy: [with Mitchell in a headlock] Stop pulling my hair.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Stop twisting my nipple.
- Claire Dunphy: Shut up. Shut up.
- Jay Pritchett: [pause] Why look at me? It was their mother's fault. I was barely around.
- Claire Dunphy: Luke, come say goodbye to your sister.
- Luke Dunphy: [wearing a mask of Megatron] I'm right here. Bye, Haley. Have fun. Don't drink too much beer and shots of tequila.
- Haley Dunphy: Why are you wearing that mask?
- Luke Dunphy: Uh, I-I like it.
- Claire Dunphy: He doesn't want you to see him cry.
- Alex Dunphy: He's literally masking his emotions.
- Luke Dunphy: No!
- Phil Dunphy: That's so sweet.
- Haley Dunphy: Come here.
- Luke Dunphy: It's not sweet. I'm an evil cyborg. Half my face was burned off in an industrial accident, and the mask is hiding the servos that control my mouth.
- Phil Dunphy: Haley, this is, like, the third bag of makeup and hair care products.
- Haley Dunphy: Dad, if you want me to get good grades, I have to look cute.
- [to Alex]
- Haley Dunphy: Don't say a word.
- Alex Dunphy: No, no. I agree with that premise.
- Haley Dunphy: Thank you. Wait.
- [Thinking]
- Haley Dunphy: Yeah, thank you.
- Claire Dunphy: We couldn't even get through the toast to Haley before you pulled focus to Lily.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Oh, come on. It's... it's a big day for both of them. Huh?
- Claire Dunphy: Haley going to college is a miracle. Lily going to kindergarten is the law.
- Phil Dunphy: If I could just have everyone's attention real quick. Um, on this wonderful occasion - our daughter leaving tomorrow for college - if I could get everyone to raise their glass as I quote from one of our nation's great fathers: Jefferson. George Jefferson. 'I never dreamed that one of my own would be going off to a university. But here I stand, a proud black man, knowing that all those hours I put in at the dry cleaner-'
- Claire Dunphy: Phil.
- Phil Dunphy: Not now, Weezie. Where was I?
- Haley Dunphy: Quoting that president.
- Alex Dunphy: Okay, if *she's* the future of America, we should start using Chinese money now.