Modern Family (TV Series)

Snip (2012)

Ty Burrell: Phil Dunphy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Phil Dunphy : I'm sorry, is it a vasecto-you, or a vasecto-me?

• Jay Pritchett : [Picking Phil up for his vasectomy]  Let's go! Chop chop!

  Phil Dunphy : Seriously? Chop chop?

  Jay Pritchett : Oh, right.

  [laughs] 

• Jay Pritchett : Just get in the car.

  Phil Dunphy : And what, get spayed like a common schnauzer?

  Jay Pritchett : You get fixed, you're a man.

  Phil Dunphy : I just want to remain one!

• Haley Dunphy : You didn't send the little green jacket?

  Claire Dunphy : Honey, I am not doing this again. It took me an hour to mail that package before. I have post-post office traumatic stress disorder.

  Haley Dunphy : Stop smiling. It's not that clever.

  Claire Dunphy : It is clever, and there's no way I'm going back there today.

  Haley Dunphy : Oh, my god! I hate you so much!

  Claire Dunphy : [Phone beeps]  Oh, sorry, that's your father. Gotta go!

  Phil Dunphy : Claire, where are you?

  Claire Dunphy : Oh, honey, I just had a hellish experience at the post office. I have post-post office traumatic stress disorder.

  Phil Dunphy : Nailed it.

• Jay Pritchett : Phil, what's scaring you here? That people are gonna think less of you as a man?

  Phil Dunphy : No, I'm afraid it's gonna hurt.

  Jay Pritchett : That's what this is about?

  Phil Dunphy : Wait, people think that? That you're less of a man? That never even occurred to me.

  Jay Pritchett : Look, nobody's gonna think less of you. And it hardly even hurts!

  Phil Dunphy : I'm unusually sensitive down here. I can't go in certain jacuzzis.

  Jay Pritchett : I'm gonna be with you the entire way. Plus, it's the *fear* of pain that's always *more* than the actual experience.

  Phil Dunphy : That's easy for you to say; you're not afraid of anything.

  Jay Pritchett : Of course I'm afraid of stuff!

  Phil Dunphy : Like what?

• Jay Pritchett : What's the matter? Are you nervous?

  Phil Dunphy : I'm not nervous. May-maybe you're the one who's nervous. You ever think about that?

  Jay Pritchett : Okay.

  Phil Dunphy : [laughing nervously]  "Nervous."

  Jay Pritchett : Okay.

  Phil Dunphy : Okay.

  Jay Pritchett : Because if you've had a change of heart...

  Phil Dunphy : I haven't had a change of heart. Maybe you had a change of heart, but I'm totally pumped. Pump, pump, pumped. Pump up the jam in my pumped-up... kicks. Pumpty-dumpty. Pumplestiltskin.

  Jay Pritchett : Because they do this kind of thing all the time, and in about an hour, you're gonna be wanting to ride a horse.

  [Awkward pause as another patient stumbles by, groaning in pain] 

  Receptionist : Me. Dunphy, can you please come to the desk?

  Jay Pritchett : [Phil doesn't move]  What's the plan, Phil?

  Phil Dunphy : Just sit here. I'm just gonna sit - I'm gonna sit a bit. Sitting pretty.

• Phil Dunphy : We-We've been talking about doing this for a while.

  Claire Dunphy : Yeah. Yeah, ever since Dad and Gloria had their little accident, we don't need any surprises.

  Phil Dunphy : Also, though, it will allow for a little more freestylin' in the boudoir if we're not having to worry about adding more critters.

  Claire Dunphy : More importantly, it is an essential part of our five-year plan.

  Phil Dunphy : Oh, the five-year plan. Talk about the-the Rosses.

  Claire Dunphy : The Rosses. Okay, the Rosses are this couple we have known forever, and... they were never able to have kids, so we always felt a little...

  Phil Dunphy : Jealous of them.

  Claire Dunphy : Yeah.

  Phil Dunphy : I mean, we love our kids, but John and Chrissy can travel...

  Claire Dunphy : They're always tan. Did you know that Chrissy is eight years older than me?

  Phil Dunphy : I would have said eight years younger. There's just a spark in her that - well, look who I'm talking to. You used to have it.

  Claire Dunphy : Wow. It's like you don't even hear...

  Phil Dunphy : The point is, as long as we don't have another baby, that life is ours in five years when Luke goes off to college.

  Claire Dunphy : Or somewhere.

• Phil Dunphy : [Claire opens the privacy curtain]  Ohh! It's you. I thought it was the guy coming to shave me.

  Claire Dunphy : Oh, good, they haven't started.

  Phil Dunphy : He had a little piece of bloody toilet paper on his neck. It was disconcerting.

• Jay Pritchett : Look... you remember before, when I told you I was wanting to know the-the sex of the baby... for practical matters? Well, that wasn't true. I'm kind of afraid of having a girl.

  Phil Dunphy : Give me a break. That's not a thing. You'd just rather have a boy. Everyone would rather have a boy.

  Jay Pritchett : No, I'm actually scared. I get boys. It's girls; they're-they're complicated. Half of Claire's childhood, I did everything I could to try to turn her into a boy.

  Phil Dunphy : Well, whatever your issues were, you and Claire are good now.

  Jay Pritchett : Yeah, but I may not get that kind of time with this new one, and I can't screw it up. I don't think I'm sensitive enough to raise a girl.

  Phil Dunphy : Jay, you're being sensitive right now. I mean, I was pretty hysterical, and you calmed *me* down. I-I don't think you're the guy you used to be.

  Jay Pritchett : So you're saying that if I can deal with you, then I can handle... any other little girl?

  Phil Dunphy : I think I'd put it a-a little differently.

  Jay Pritchett : No, but I mean, I-I-I think that's right. Thanks. We gonna do this?

  Phil Dunphy : Promise me it's not gonna hurt that much?

  Jay Pritchett : Tiny, little pinch.

  Phil Dunphy : I built it up in my head, didn't I?

  Jay Pritchett : Totally.

  Phil Dunphy : And I can still achieve a-a full and satisfying...

  Jay Pritchett : You know what? We had a nice little moment here. We don't have many of those. I think I'm gonna commemorate it.

  Phil Dunphy : Okay.

  Jay Pritchett : All right? So, sit up straight. There you go. No, no, arms down. Uh, better arms down.

  Phil Dunphy : All right.

  Jay Pritchett : Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. Relax. There you go. Perfect.

  [Takes a picture of Phil on a bus bench, perfectly blocking the words to read 'Not a Real Man'] 

  Phil Dunphy : Can I get a copy?

  Phil Dunphy : Oh, there'll be a lot of copies.

• Phil Dunphy : [laughing]  Honey, look what Manny just sent me.

  Claire Dunphy : [On her phone]  Hang on one sec. Okay.

  Phil Dunphy : [Shows her a picture of Gloria splitting her pants]  Is that the funniest thing ever?

  Claire Dunphy : [laughs]  Oh, yeah.

  Cameron Tucker : Oh... oh, my gosh. Mitchell, come here. You have to see what Claire sent us.

  Mitchell Pritchett : [On his phone]  Okay, wait. One... one second. Okay.

  Cameron Tucker : [Shows him the picture of Phil on a bench reading 'Not a Real Man']  Is that hilarious?

  Mitchell Pritchett : That's great!

  Cameron Tucker : Oh, Phil.

  Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Ay, this is embarrassing.

  Jay Pritchett : [Sees a picture of Cameron and their cat in its mermaid costume]  I don't know how comfortable I am with this guy teaching our kid.