Modern Family (TV Series)

Snip (2012)

Jesse Tyler Ferguson: Mitchell Pritchett

Quotes 

• Cameron Tucker : [Pulls out a small mermaid tail costume]  Does this look like the work of an unfulfilled slacker?

  Mitchell Pritchett : A mermaid costume?

  Cameron Tucker : Hand-sewn from my own design. Have you ever stitched lycra? It's like sewing water, Mitchell.

  Mitchell Pritchett : It looks a little small for Lily.

  Cameron Tucker : It's not for Lily. It's for the cat. It's a mermaid costume for the fat.

  [Realizes and starts crying] 

  Cameron Tucker : My master project... it's a mermaid costume... for a cat!

• Jeoux : Longe, I'm getting a protein shake.

  Longinus : Okay. Mitchell, this is Jeoux.

  Mitchell Pritchett : Hi. Oh, just 'Joe'?

  Jeoux : Yes, Jeoux. J-E-O-U-X.

  Mitchell Pritchett : There it is.

  Jeoux : Oh, is this the Mitchell you're helping out because he wants his boyfriend to get a job?

  [Mitchell and Longinus wave their hands to indicate he should stop talking] 

  Jeoux : I don't know what you're doing. Should I wave? Did your boyfriend take the job?

  Mitchell Pritchett : [Cam comes out of a dressing room]  Oh, my God! That looks so good on you, Cam!

  Cameron Tucker : Don't even. It is everything I can do to not create a scene right now. You will pay for this. Mnh.

  [Storms out with the short still on, sets off the alarm] 

  Cameron Tucker : And this.

  [Dramatically takes a scarf and wraps it around his neck] 

  Cameron Tucker : And this.

• Longinus : So? What do you think?

  Cameron Tucker : Finally, a store that sells shirts men actually wanna wear.

  Longinus : Thank you. Look, holla if you need me. We're a little shorthanded today.

  Mitchell Pritchett : What happened to J'Marcus?

  Longinus : Don't ask. She's a j'mess.

• Mitchell Pritchett : Cam, the only reason I tried to get you that job is because you've been seeming a little... unfulfilled.

  Cameron Tucker : Oh, what, and you thought you'd fix me by turning me into some common shopgirl?

  [Pulls a suitcase out of the closet] 

  Mitchell Pritchett : You're not going anywhere. We have a daughter.

  Cameron Tucker : It's not for me. It's for you.

  Mitchell Pritchett : Cam, I'm not go...

  [Grabs the suitcase and feels the weight] 

  Mitchell Pritchett : Okay, well, that's packed.

  Cameron Tucker : Yeah, and if you're going someplace cool, I have a winter one packed as well.

  Mitchell Pritchett : No, I'm not going anywhere! And I should be able to talk to you about these things!

  Cameron Tucker : Oh, what things? How empty my life is? You know, you have no idea what I do around this house every day. I shop for food, I pay the bills, I maintain the house, I grocery shop.

  Mitchell Pritchett : Same as shopping for food.

  Cameron Tucker : And still I have enough time to work on my master project. And you never ask me what my master project is.

  Mitchell Pritchett : Because you told me not to ask!

• Mitchell Pritchett : Since Lily started kindergarten, Cam's had a lot of free time. Now, I-I'd like to suggest he go back to work, but... historically, uh, that has proved to be a sensitive topic.

  Cameron Tucker : [Flashback] 

  [On the phone] 

  Cameron Tucker : We sent those adoption papers to Vietnam last summer! No, thank *you* very much, and please remember my tone, not my words.

  [Hangs up] 

  Cameron Tucker : She said it could take up to nine months to get a baby. It's inhuman!

  Mitchell Pritchett : Is it? Don't - I-I know it's frustrating, but maybe instead of driving yourself crazy waiting for the phone to ring, you could go back to work.

  Cameron Tucker : Excuse me?

  Mitchell Pritchett : [Jokingly]  Get a job!

  [Chuckles nervously] 

  Mitchell Pritchett : No, it-it'll help you take your mind off the baby.

  Cameron Tucker : Oh, what, because I'm a big, giant freeloader?

  Mitchell Pritchett : Actually, I think I laid out the reasons pretty clearly...

  Cameron Tucker : No, I think you pegged me. Bone lazy. Just like on the farm - first to bed, last to wake up in the morning. You know what? Why don't you call my dad, and you two can gab all night about what a teat-sucking layabout I am?

  Mitchell Pritchett : Okay, I think I might have paddled into some deeper waters here.

  Cameron Tucker : [Getting a suitcase out of the closet]  What, you think I sit around all day? Well, I'm not sitting now.

  Mitchell Pritchett : What's happening? You keep a packed suitcase?

• Longinus : I'm telling you, it is so hard to find someone who knows clothes and is good with people.

  Mitchell Pritchett : Well, I wish I knew somebody.

  [Pointedly looks at Cam] 

  Longinus : Oh, my god. Wait a second. Cam? You wouldn't think about taking the job, would you? Do you realize how perfect you'd be?

  Cameron Tucker : Well, yes. Um, but I-I...

  Longinus : You'd only work part-time. You'll get employee discounts on the clothes. Stop me if I'm wasting my breath.

  Cameron Tucker : Well, I don't know. What do you think, Mitchell?

  Mitchell Pritchett : Well, I-I would miss having you around the house, but, you know, if... if it's something that you love...

  Cameron Tucker : Mulling.

  Mitchell Pritchett : You know what? It was nice of you to offer, but he should probably think about it.

  Cameron Tucker : I'll do it!

  Mitchell Pritchett : Really?

  Cameron Tucker : Yep. Just until he can find somebody to replace me, and good luck with that. Oh, and I don't fold.

• Phil Dunphy : [laughing]  Honey, look what Manny just sent me.

  Claire Dunphy : [On her phone]  Hang on one sec. Okay.

  Phil Dunphy : [Shows her a picture of Gloria splitting her pants]  Is that the funniest thing ever?

  Claire Dunphy : [laughs]  Oh, yeah.

  Cameron Tucker : Oh... oh, my gosh. Mitchell, come here. You have to see what Claire sent us.

  Mitchell Pritchett : [On his phone]  Okay, wait. One... one second. Okay.

  Cameron Tucker : [Shows him the picture of Phil on a bench reading 'Not a Real Man']  Is that hilarious?

  Mitchell Pritchett : That's great!

  Cameron Tucker : Oh, Phil.

  Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Ay, this is embarrassing.

  Jay Pritchett : [Sees a picture of Cameron and their cat in its mermaid costume]  I don't know how comfortable I am with this guy teaching our kid.