Modern Family (TV Series)

Snip (2012)

Ed O'Neill: Jay Pritchett

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jay Pritchett : I've always seen life like a series of doors. Sometimes you get to choose the door you go through; sometimes you don't get that choice. But you still gotta walk through it. So either you can go through kicking and screaming, or walk through with your head held high. And since I don't get to choose the door I'm about to go through, I just pray it's a healthy, happy kid. And a boy.

• Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Estupid dry cleaners! They shrink my clothes!

  Jay Pritchett : Might be time for maternity wear.

  Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Are you crazy? I'm barely showing.

  Jay Pritchett : Sweetheart, your shirts barely fit *before* you were pregnant.

  Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : And I never heard you complain.

• Jay Pritchett : [Picking Phil up for his vasectomy]  Let's go! Chop chop!

  Phil Dunphy : Seriously? Chop chop?

  Jay Pritchett : Oh, right.

  [laughs] 

• Jay Pritchett : I'm having a baby at 65. You want another surprise, Gloria? Buy yourself a box of cracker jacks.

• Jay Pritchett : Just get in the car.

  Phil Dunphy : And what, get spayed like a common schnauzer?

  Jay Pritchett : You get fixed, you're a man.

  Phil Dunphy : I just want to remain one!

• Receptionist : Is there a Phil Dunphy here?

  Jay Pritchett : I'm his father-in-law. He's gonna need a moment. Is there anything I could fill out for him?

  Receptionist : Not unless you want the vasectomy.

  Jay Pritchett : Where were you six months ago?

  Receptionist : Barbados. Now I really need to speak with the patient.

  Jay Pritchett : Got it. Phil, get over here. Phil?

  [Turns around and sees he's gone] 

  Patient : He just ran ou-

  [Groans in pain] 

  Jay Pritchett : You know what could do wonders for your business here? A recovery room.

• Jay Pritchett : Phil, what's scaring you here? That people are gonna think less of you as a man?

  Phil Dunphy : No, I'm afraid it's gonna hurt.

  Jay Pritchett : That's what this is about?

  Phil Dunphy : Wait, people think that? That you're less of a man? That never even occurred to me.

  Jay Pritchett : Look, nobody's gonna think less of you. And it hardly even hurts!

  Phil Dunphy : I'm unusually sensitive down here. I can't go in certain jacuzzis.

  Jay Pritchett : I'm gonna be with you the entire way. Plus, it's the *fear* of pain that's always *more* than the actual experience.

  Phil Dunphy : That's easy for you to say; you're not afraid of anything.

  Jay Pritchett : Of course I'm afraid of stuff!

  Phil Dunphy : Like what?

• Dr. Barksdale : That's a healthy baby.

  Jay Pritchett : Hold on.

  Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : What?

  Jay Pritchett : Is that a license plate and a hubcap? You know, like in 'Jaws'?

  Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : I never saw it.

  Dr. Barksdale : I saw it, but I don't remember a scene with a hubcap in a pregnant woman.

  Jay Pritchett : Ah, forget it.

• Jay Pritchett : What's the matter? Are you nervous?

  Phil Dunphy : I'm not nervous. May-maybe you're the one who's nervous. You ever think about that?

  Jay Pritchett : Okay.

  Phil Dunphy : [laughing nervously]  "Nervous."

  Jay Pritchett : Okay.

  Phil Dunphy : Okay.

  Jay Pritchett : Because if you've had a change of heart...

  Phil Dunphy : I haven't had a change of heart. Maybe you had a change of heart, but I'm totally pumped. Pump, pump, pumped. Pump up the jam in my pumped-up... kicks. Pumpty-dumpty. Pumplestiltskin.

  Jay Pritchett : Because they do this kind of thing all the time, and in about an hour, you're gonna be wanting to ride a horse.

  [Awkward pause as another patient stumbles by, groaning in pain] 

  Receptionist : Me. Dunphy, can you please come to the desk?

  Jay Pritchett : [Phil doesn't move]  What's the plan, Phil?

  Phil Dunphy : Just sit here. I'm just gonna sit - I'm gonna sit a bit. Sitting pretty.

• Jay Pritchett : Look... you remember before, when I told you I was wanting to know the-the sex of the baby... for practical matters? Well, that wasn't true. I'm kind of afraid of having a girl.

  Phil Dunphy : Give me a break. That's not a thing. You'd just rather have a boy. Everyone would rather have a boy.

  Jay Pritchett : No, I'm actually scared. I get boys. It's girls; they're-they're complicated. Half of Claire's childhood, I did everything I could to try to turn her into a boy.

  Phil Dunphy : Well, whatever your issues were, you and Claire are good now.

  Jay Pritchett : Yeah, but I may not get that kind of time with this new one, and I can't screw it up. I don't think I'm sensitive enough to raise a girl.

  Phil Dunphy : Jay, you're being sensitive right now. I mean, I was pretty hysterical, and you calmed *me* down. I-I don't think you're the guy you used to be.

  Jay Pritchett : So you're saying that if I can deal with you, then I can handle... any other little girl?

  Phil Dunphy : I think I'd put it a-a little differently.

  Jay Pritchett : No, but I mean, I-I-I think that's right. Thanks. We gonna do this?

  Phil Dunphy : Promise me it's not gonna hurt that much?

  Jay Pritchett : Tiny, little pinch.

  Phil Dunphy : I built it up in my head, didn't I?

  Jay Pritchett : Totally.

  Phil Dunphy : And I can still achieve a-a full and satisfying...

  Jay Pritchett : You know what? We had a nice little moment here. We don't have many of those. I think I'm gonna commemorate it.

  Phil Dunphy : Okay.

  Jay Pritchett : All right? So, sit up straight. There you go. No, no, arms down. Uh, better arms down.

  Phil Dunphy : All right.

  Jay Pritchett : Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. Relax. There you go. Perfect.

  [Takes a picture of Phil on a bus bench, perfectly blocking the words to read 'Not a Real Man'] 

  Phil Dunphy : Can I get a copy?

  Phil Dunphy : Oh, there'll be a lot of copies.

• Phil Dunphy : [laughing]  Honey, look what Manny just sent me.

  Claire Dunphy : [On her phone]  Hang on one sec. Okay.

  Phil Dunphy : [Shows her a picture of Gloria splitting her pants]  Is that the funniest thing ever?

  Claire Dunphy : [laughs]  Oh, yeah.

  Cameron Tucker : Oh... oh, my gosh. Mitchell, come here. You have to see what Claire sent us.

  Mitchell Pritchett : [On his phone]  Okay, wait. One... one second. Okay.

  Cameron Tucker : [Shows him the picture of Phil on a bench reading 'Not a Real Man']  Is that hilarious?

  Mitchell Pritchett : That's great!

  Cameron Tucker : Oh, Phil.

  Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Ay, this is embarrassing.

  Jay Pritchett : [Sees a picture of Cameron and their cat in its mermaid costume]  I don't know how comfortable I am with this guy teaching our kid.