- Sarah the Waitress: How did you meet her?
- Adam: I actually haven't met her yet. But we've been talking a lot online cause we met on H-Date. Hebrew Dating? It's totally normal. A lot of people are doing that these days. I'm not desperate.
- Sarah the Waitress: OK.
- Adam: What was that? Was that like "OK" you believe me or "OK" you think I'm weird and you're standing there judging me with your name tag and your coffee pot...
- Sarah the Waitress: OK.
- Adam: Mean waitress shouldn't have any lines anyway.
- Rachael: So this is weird.
- Adam: Right? I mean normally I don't date- I mean, I date. I don't do the online dating date thing normally. That's not really for me. I always thought it was reserved for serial killers and rapists- which I am not a rapist cause I would never rape anyone cause I'm not a rapist.
- Rachael: [Regarding the Black Man and White Woman holding hands] A hundred years from now our world is gonna be half ghetto.
- Rachael: [Regarding an Asian Woman entering the restaurant] Oh, great. So I guess I should run out to the parking lot and make sure my car didn't just get all banged up.
- Corri: Did they not have basic math in Colombia?
- Laura: I'll have you know I aced math in Colombia, thank you very much. A kilo of cocaine goes for roughly twenty thousand dollars in a small suburban town like Holliston which when divided up into equal distribution and sold in two major cities at a fifty-five percent mark-up can turn a combined total of thirty-one thousand dollars, first grade math, what-what?
- Rachael: If you want a guy with money you need to find yourself a nice Jew or a little China Man.
- Adam: OK, I'm gonna be totally straight with you. Sometimes some of the stuff you say sounds a little...
- Rachael: -honest?
- Adam: No, I was gonna say racist.
- Rachael: Just because I am well aware of my surroundings does not make me racist.
- [Regarding the Black Man sitting down behind Adam]
- Rachael: Watch your wallet.
- Adam: OK, like that! Why should I have to watch my wallet? Just because there's a Black Man sitting behind me-
- [He notices Rachael take off her jacket and reveal her chest]
- Adam: -oh my god I wanna push those things together and ride them like two Yorkies I want to lick them.
- Rachael: It is so warm in here I am sweating like a slave.
- Adam: Jesus! Like that! How do you say stuff like that and sleep at night?
- Adam: What do you do if you're dating a girl that's super hot but she might have some fundamental differences of opinion that might be slightly ignorant and maybe a little bigoted?
- Oderus Urungus: I don't know what half of those words mean.
- Adam: Lance has the attention span of something with a short attention span- OH MY GOD! Did we have to add a woman to the writing staff?
- Adam: [Camera whips to reveal the writing staff and the men point at a lone confused looking woman. The camera whips back to the set and Adam addresses Joe again] Quick, before she pitches another joke about her mom or her period!
- Female staff writer: [Off screen] I have a good joke about air travel!
- Joe: ANYWAY...
- Joe: Anyway, the cursed video tape... I subliminally edited it into a Winger video. Lance will watch it. Trust me.
- Lance Rockett: Good evening, Holliston!
- Joe: What do you mean there's a director cut of Winger's video for Seventeen, Adam?
- Lance Rockett: FALSE! There is only one cut in existence of the Seventeen video. I'm calling bullshit.
- Joe: Tonight's presentation is THE RING. One of the better remakes to come out of the 2000's where if it wasn't a remake horror fans wouldn't see it.
- Joe: Hold on, did you just make out or did you... hook up?
- Adam: We just made out.
- Joe: What base?
- Adam: Base. What are we, eight?
- Joe: Did you see her naked?
- Adam: That is none of your business.
- Joe: Did she at least touch your thingy?
- Adam: We kissed! OK? That's all. We kissed. And it was... sweet. And it was tender. And it was romantic
- [Dodging Joe's hand slap]
- Adam: It's not always about getting your thingy touched, Joe. Sometimes it's about being touched... here.
- [Adam slaps Joe and runs for his bedroom]
- Oderus Urungus: Shut up and listen to me. Show the tape to somebody that you don't like and make it their problem. Do the racist and then break up with her right after. A dude like you will never be with a "10" again.