The Phantom Menace Review (2009 Video)

Mike Stoklasa: Plinkett

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Plinkett : Star Wars: The Phantom Menace was the most disappointing thing since my son. I mean, how much more could you possibly fuck up the entire backstory to Star Wars? And while my son eventually hanged himself in the bathroom of the gas station, the unfortunate reality of the Star Wars prequels is that they'll be around. Forever. They will never go away. It can never be undone.

• Plinkett : If you ask me, Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi should have been combined to form a new character, called Obi-Wan Kenobi.

• [repeated line] 

  Plinkett : What's wrong with your face?

• George Lucas : [about the Battle Droids]  The Jedi cut 'em down like they're butter, and they really are pretty useless.

  Plinkett : Fuck you.

• Rick McCallum : It's so dense. Every single image has so many things going on.

  Plinkett : Fuck you, Rick Berman. You ruined this too? Stop ruining - - hey wait, that ain't Rick Berman. What is it with Ricks?

• George Lucas : [from an interview in 1983]  A special effect is a tool, a means of telling a story. People have a tendency to confuse them as an end to themselves. A special effect without a story is a pretty boring thing.

  Plinkett : You said it, brother. Wait, YOU said that?

• Plinkett : If someone under the age of, like, 20 says that his least favorite film is The Empire Strikes Back because it was the most boringest one, then I suggest you shut this review off right now before I carefully explain how much of a fucking idiot you are.

• George Lucas : Again, it's like poetry, so that they rhyme.

  Plinkett : Yes, George, that's true. But the only thing poetic here is that I was vomiting in stanzas. I don't even know what that means.

• Plinkett : [Anakin accidentally starts up a Naboo fighter]  Aw, he's accidentally flying the space ship. How cute. I hope he fucking dies.

• Plinkett : So unless you're the Coen Brothers, David Lynch, Paul Thomas Anderson, Stanley Kubrick, Alfred Hitchcock, Lars von Trier, David Cronenberg, Gus Van Sant, Quentin Tarantino, John Waters, Wes Anderson, Sam Peckinpah, Terry Gilliam, Martin Scorsese, Werner Herzog, or Jim Jarmusch, you really shouldn't stray away too far from this kind of formula. Especially if you're making a movie that's aimed at children that has a cartoon rabbit in it that steps in the poopy.

• Gov. Sio Bibble : A communication disruption can mean only one thing: invasion.

  Plinkett : It can also mean you didn't pay your phone bill.

• Plinkett : Later on, after everybody starts drinking, Lucas attempts to explain his newly-minted bowel movement as "bold" and "extreme", "stylistic."

  George Lucas : It's stylistically designed to be that way and you can't undo that. But we can diminish the effects of it.

  Plinkett : No one looks like they know what's going on and they all look like they're about to start pointing fingers.

• Plinkett : The Phantom Menace is now the greatest example of cinematic blue balls in the history of motion pictures. Never again will anything be more wildly anticipated, or a bigger disappointment.

• Controller : Sir, they've gone up the ventilation shaft.

  Plinkett : How do you know that? I said, how do you know that? Answer me, thing-in-the-mouth face. What, did you smoke too much? What's wrong with your face?

• Plinkett : Y'know, a guy named William Shakesman once said, "brevity is the soul of wit." This just means don't waste my time. You keep it nice and simple. I said stop wasting my time. Stop it!

• Plinkett : If you're trying to avoid drawing attention to yourself, then why are you taking Jar Jar Binks into the city with you? Leave him on the ship!

  Qui-Gon Jinn : My droid has a read-out of what I need.

  Plinkett : You say you took R2-D2 because he has the specs on the type of part that you need, and yet Watto seems to know what you're talking about and you have a thingy that shows it. R2 is never used for that purpose and does nothing at all.

  [about Obi-Wan and Captain Panaka] 

  Plinkett : The two most clear-minded, logical guys stay on the ship while a clumsy idiot, a slow-moving droid, a vulnerable, attractive young woman, and a drunk go wandering around the dangerous city. These two guys probably would've had the part by now.

  [cut to George Lucas talking with some guy about how "great" the movie is going to be] 

• Plinkett : Oh and then let's move on to this: what about the idea that Anakin is the one who built C-3PO? This is wrong for so many reasons. I'm gonna list three of them. So the idea is that Anakin built C-3PO to help his mom around the house.

  Anakin Skywalker : He's a protocol droid to help Mom.

  Plinkett : But a protocol droid is typically used for ettiquette and protocol.

  Uncle Owen : You. I suppose you're programmed for etiquette and protocol?

  Plinkett : They're basically like robot diplomats and not very handly technically.

  C-3PO : I am C-3PO, human cyborg relations.

  Plinkett : He says he's human cyborg relations. He doesn't say he cleans dishes. C-3PO is clumsy, awkward and useless, unless you need someone to translate a language.

  C-3PO : [from A New Hope]  I'm not much more than an interpreter.

  Plinkett : Plus his arms don't even bend. What the fuck is he supposed to help the mom with? A vacuum would've been a better thing to build, or maybe a vibrator. 'Cause it seems like the only action Shmi was getting was with the force. Hey, maybe that's why they call it "the force." Ha, rape jokes. I love 'em.

• [repeated line] 

  Plinkett : Who's fucking with my medicine?

• Plinkett : Now I've analyzed this movie with a team of cheerleaders, who all came to one unanimous conclusion: that if I let them go, they won't tell nobody.

• Plinkett : R2-D2 sticks a thing in a thing and fixes the shield generator.

• Plinkett : You know, it really adds a lot of tension in a movie when the main enemy forces are totally ineffective.

  Captain Panaka : There are too many of them.

  Qui-Gon Jinn : Won't be a problem.

  Plinkett : Oh, it won't be a problem. Whoa, now I'm really on the edge of my seat.

• Plinkett : It's like Lucas finished the script in one draft and like, turned it in and they decided to go with it, without anyone saying that it made no sense at all and that it was a stupid, incoherent mess. I guess at this point, who's going to question George and tell him what to do? He controls every aspect of the movie. He probably got rid of those people who questioned him creatively a long time ago.

• Plinkett : See, in most movies, the audience needs a character to connect with. Typically this character is what's known as a "proto-gone-ist." When you're in a weird movie with, like, aliens, monsters and weirdos, the audience really needs someone who's like a normal person like them to guide them through the story. Now of course, this doesn't apply to EVERY movie, but it works best in the sci-fi, superhero, action and fantasy genres. I picked a few examples to help illustrate this point: Marty McFly, John McClane, Billy Peltzer, Sarah Connor, Neo, Charlie Bucket, Peter Parker, Cliff Secord, Johnny Rico, Rocky Balboa, and Kevin Bacon.

• Darth Sidious : Wipe them out. All of them.

  Plinkett : If the orders were to wipe them out, all of them, then why are they taking prisoners?

• Plinkett : So anyway, they tell Palpatine that they think Jedis are on the ship, he should have said this:

  [in Palpatine voice] 

  Plinkett : Tell the Jedi there will be no negotiations. Tell them that you plan to invade the planet next and then send them back to Coruscant to inform the senate.

  [regular voice] 

  Plinkett : Instead he tells them to do the exact opposite of what his plan was. That he wanted her to sign the treaty, right?

  Darth Sidious : I want that treaty signed!

  Plinkett : He seems really intent on having her sign the treaty to make the invasion legal. What if she were a total coward and actually signed the treaty? Like, right away? Then the crisis would be over and there would be no need for a vote of no confidence. See what I mean, is this sounding like an 8-year-old wrote it?

• Plinkett : So you may like the characters. Y'know, if you're stupid.

• Plinkett : I could end this review here, but I'm really just getting started. I do have to go to traffic court soon though, I accidentally ran over a Korean family with my car.

• Plinkett : Number eight: I'm gonna slit my wrists.

• Plinkett : Rick McCallum is frozen in utter shock at how horrible the movie was. Internally, he regrets not challenging Lucas on some of the things he was worried about.

• Plinkett : First of all, forcing someone to sign a treaty sort of contradicts the purpose of a signature on a treaty. You might as well just forge it if you're going to make her sign it.

• Plinkett : What purpose did Shmi Skywalker serve to Watto? That she cleans her own dishes?

• Plinkett : At this point I realize who the phantom menace is. No, it's not Jorge.

  [George Lucas] 

  Plinkett : It's Qui-Gon Jinn.

• Plinkett : Now this is where it gets complex, my lovelies.

• Anakin Skywalker : Now THIS is podracing!

  Plinkett : No, no, that ain't podracing. That was on Tatooine. You're in a space ship... oh, wait, he was doing, like, a thing.

• Plinkett : Just tell'em to leave and that you don't want to negotiate, and then when their ship flies out of the space dock, shoot it with lasers! Also, we need to consider the fact that killing two Jedi that were sent there as peaceful ambassadors would be a pretty heinous crime in the eyes of the galactic senate, an organization that runs everything. Including space taxes. I mean, you could just claim they never got there.

  Nute Gunray : I know nothing of any ambassadors.

  Senator Palpatine : I have assurances from the chancellor the Jedi did arrive.

  Plinkett : But now you've got the burned wreckage of their ship inside your horribly burned docking bay.

• Plinkett : Welcome to Coruscant, home of the mid-air collision... and boring scenes.

• Plinkett : Get outta my house. Get outta my creepy house. Don't go in my basement either. Ah, I've been hit!

• Plinkett : This also leads me to believe that Qui-Gon Jinn is incredibly stupid. He coulda just went to another junk dealer and used his Jedi mind trick to swap out the Republic credits for money that Watto would take. In fact, when they arrive in town, he says:

  Qui-Gon Jinn : We'll try one of the smaller dealers.

  Plinkett : Smaller dealers? Well that implies there's larger ones. Watto tells him he's the only guy in town who's got the part.

  Watto : And no one ELSE has a T-327 hyperdrive, I promise ya that!

  Plinkett : Now either Watto is using an older-than-dirt sales tactic, or Qui-Gon can really pick out which shop to go to randomly. Oh wait, I guess midi-chlorians told him where to go so they could find the boy.

• Plinkett : The point is, I'm still not sure what the donut ships were there to do, and don't any of you faggots tell me it was explained more in the novelization or some Star Wars book. What matters is the movies. I ain't never read one them Star Wars books, or any books in general for that matter, and I ain't about to start. Don't talk about them stupid video games, or novels, comic books or any of that fucking crap. I seen enough of that shit.

• Yoda : Agree with you the council does. Your apprentice Skywalker will be.

  Plinkett : Hey maybe you should've just said no. Yoda's supposed to be really wise, right?

  Yoda : Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.

  Plinkett : Wait, what did he just say? Maybe he isn't that wise, 'cause that didn't make a lick of sense.

• Plinkett : At the end of the movie, Amadala goes back to the planet to solve the problem herself, because the senate wanted to send an independent team to investigate whether or not the invasion was real.

  Chancellor Valorum : Will you defer your motion to allow a commission to explore the validity of your accusations?

  Plinkett : I guess the testimony of two Jedi Knights wasn't good enough. And those were the guys Valorum trusted enough to settle the whole dispute in the first place? That don't make sense.

• Plinkett : [about the opening of A New Hope]  Without saying one word of awkward, boring political dialogue that goes on for ten minutes, we know everything we need to know just by the visuals. Rebels

  [arrow pointing at the Tantive IV] 

  Plinkett : ... Empire

  [arrow pointing at the Star Destroyer] 

  Plinkett : We get a sense of how small and ill-equipped the rebels are, and how large and powerful the Empire is. The low angle implies dominance, and the length of the Star Destroyer implies the long reach of the Empire. This shot says everything we need to know without saying *one word*! In fact, this is so genius I have a feeling that George Lucas had nothing to do with it, and probably fought against putting it in the movie.

• Nadine : Mister, please let me go. I promise I won't say anything. I'll do anything if you just let me go.

  Plinkett : Quiet, I'm making my YouTube Star Wars review.

  Nadine : Star Wars?

  Plinkett : What's this?

  [looks at figure] 

  Plinkett : Mace Windu?

  Nadine : Please don't hurt me. Just let me g...

  Plinkett : [shouting]  I said QUIET! I'm makin' my review, so shut your fuckin' mouth!

• Plinkett : If that's the case, why didn't Qui-Gon just steal the part from Watto? He could sneak in in the middle of the night and just take the part, or take it by force. I don't mean that kind of Force, I mean choke Watto while Padme grabs the part and run out of the shop. Basically, it's the same as trying to trick him into accepting worthless currency for the part. In the end, Watto is just out of the part.

• Mace Windu : We will use all our resources to unravel this mystery. We will discover the identity of your attacker.

  [later] 

  Mace Windu : Go with the queen to Naboo and discover the identity of your attacker.

  Plinkett : Oh, I thought you were going to work on that. There's much more important work for the other 500 Jedi. I guess they'll just sit here and see who gets elected chancellor.

• Plinkett : Number six: invasion! Of boring...

• Plinkett : You see, we once set up a Naval Blockade around Cuba, to stop the Russians from setting up missile launchers there. It was a little event you might have heard of... it wasn't a big deal, you know, but you might have heard of it, it was called WORLD WAR I. Geez, you stupid people gotta learn your history right.

• Plinkett : A Qui-Gon sucker. They didn't even eat the sucker.

• Nute Gunray : I thought the battle was going to take place far from here.

  Plinkett : Hey, idiots, it was a diversion. I tried to warn you.