Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis (TV Series)

A Fairytale of New York (2012)

Zach Galifianakis: Zach Galifianakis

Photos 

Quotes 

• Zach Galifianakis - Host : [Narrating]  Most of us have heard of "weekly shows", some of us have heard of "monthly shows" and of course all of us have heard about "yearly shows." My next guest took a different route. "The Daily Show". The host Jon Stewart is a political humorist who started out as a stand-up comic, as a young man on a basketball scholarship, he dreamed of "making it" to the "big time" and even though it's on Comedy Central, some people consider it the "big time."

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : Do you mind if I give you some constructive criticism for your show?

  Jon Stewart : Not at all.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : Would it be cool to be put E-R-S on the end of the title your show?

  Jon Stewart : I don't know, it seems kind of stupid.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : Then it'd be called "The Daily Showers," why would you want to remind hippies to watch that crap?

  Jon Stewart : [Remains silent] 

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : You've had a lot of accomplishments in the world of print and your last book "Earth" came out and it was one of the best books I bought because I bought it and used it for my turtle ramp.

  Jon Stewart : How many turtles do you have?

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : Six and they love your book and they just go up and down it

  Jon Stewart : What kind?

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : Two hard shell, three hard shell and one of them I got from a "rescue turtle" place and it doesn't have a shell so people just think it's a fat lizard.

  Jon Stewart : You basically went out of your way to construction a question about something I worked really hard on, put my heart and soul into it then you decided to write up a little question and just use it as a "set up" to get in to shit on my book

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : My turtles actually do that.

  Jon Stewart : You don't have turtles.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : No, I have six turtles.

  Jon Stewart : You don't have turtles, you are a "turtle-less man", what are their names?

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : Ruby, Bell, Bib, Devoe, Ricky, and Myachiva

  Jon Stewart : [Catching Zach lying]  Ok that's seven

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [Looking down]  Well, Myachiva died

  Jon Stewart : [looking around]  Right.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : Are you looking for a glass of water?

  Jon Stewart : [Sarcastically]  No, why would I look for a glass of water when I'm in a room with no air conditioning and no halogen lighting?

  Jon Stewart : [Intentionally belittling Zach]  I could do this too, I don't know if you know this but I host a show and I interview people so if I do that I'm not trying to lure that over you, it's just a natural question.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : Just because you do those things you think you could influence people?

• Jon Stewart : I don't think we influence people

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : Well I think there's a certain chip on your shoulder...

  Jon Stewart : [Interrupts him]  No there's no chip...

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [Interrupts him]  I think there's a sense of entitlement you have...

  Jon Stewart : No there isn't...

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [interrupts him]  I think people think you think know so much shit about everyone and about everything happening so you say to yourself "look at me I'm Jon Stewart I know so much shit."

  Jon Stewart : [Interrupts him]  I've never done that.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : People are sick of it, there's a perception of you out there.

  Jon Stewart : [ignores Zach and touches the ferns] 

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : don't touch my ferns

  Jon Stewart : I'm sorry

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : Please don't touch them.

  Jon Stewart : I'm sorry.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : I've been in movies though, it's not like I haven't done anything.

  Jon Stewart : You stood around with a monkey in a movie and a baby strapped to your chest, yeah you've been in "movies."

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [Looking down in shame]  People like that movie

  Jon Stewart : You know what you did in those movies? You carried something people liked. You think I'd be cut out of First Wives Club if I didn't carry a monkey?

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : No.

  Jon Stewart : Exactly.

  Jon Stewart : Ed Helms is in movies

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : Ed Helms is in the movies we're talking about.

  Jon Stewart : Oh I didn't notice you, I just remember Ed Helms was in this great movie with this guy that was carrying around a monkey.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [Becoming irritated]  I'm in that movie.

  Jon Stewart : Oh.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : Do you have a question I can ask you that'll make you cry?

• Jon Stewart : [whispers in his ear] 

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : Tell me about New Jersey?

  Jon Stewart : [Starts to cry]  It's one of our nation's most popular industrial states.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [Jon continues to cry]  And is this an "acting" thing you're doing? Is this why you were cut out of First Wives Club?

  Jon Stewart : Yeah I was trying to cry.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : We can show you how to cry.

  Jon Stewart : You sure?

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : Ask me a question though

  Jon Stewart : How old are you?

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [Begins to cry] 

  Jon Stewart : [amused]  Wow

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [Crying]  Forty-two.

  Jon Stewart : Next time you're in a movie, I'm not even going to look at the monkey, I'm going to look at you.

• Zach Galifianakis - Host : [Introducing the segment]  Tina Fey is the star and creator of NBC's hit sitcom 30 Rock, which is based on her experiences as head writer for Mad TV. Before meeting up with her, I made a stop at New York City's "Fern district", where I lucked out and got the last two ferns' in Manhattan. My preferred mode of transportation in New York City is the subway. I met up with Tina at her "swanky" hotel to take her for a romantic chariot ride.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [to Tina while on the chariot ride]  It's a very smooth ride I find. My cousin lives in Staten Island, he's a homosexual. People call him the "Stalen Island fairy"

  Tina Fey : [cut to the interview being held into a hotel room]  is someone going to tell us when to start?

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [while chewing bubble gum loudly]  I don't know, I think their just letting us chill out, just keep your mouth shut.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [to the camera]  Hello and welcome to another edition of Between Two Ferns.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [to Tina]  Welcome and thank you for coming. I'm a big fan of your "lady comedy."

  Tina Fey : Thank you Zach, I'm a huge fan of yours, I loved The Hang Over. I'm just kidding. I actually never saw The Hang Over, I'm like an "adult person." You'd fuck with a baby anyway.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [Changing the topic]  So you recently had a little girl.

  Tina Fey : that's right, a second one.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : Have people brought up the issue that your too old to be having a second child?

  Tina Fey : [Zach ignores her while a waiter enters with breakfast]  Well it's something I wrote a lot about in my book, the struggle to decide whether to have a second child at my age with my career the way it is.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [Continuing to ignore her and looking at the bill]  What's four percent of thirty-seven dollars?

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [to the waiter]  What's four percent of thirty-seven dollars?

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [to Tina]  How old is the baby?

  Tina Fey : She is eight months old.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [Offering her a portion of the food on his plate]  want a bite?

  Tina Fey : No thank you, female comedians have to watch their weight.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : oh right.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : So tell me your process going from a lowly writer to sleeping your way to being on camera.

  Tina Fey : That's not nice and that's not true.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : Well it can't be both, you have to pick, it's either not true or it's not nice.

  Tina Fey : Well, I pick it's not true

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [Doubting her]  You have red hair. Do the "drapes" match the pubes?

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [narrating]  you'll find out the answer when we return.

  Tina Fey : [returning from commercial]  first of all that's not the expression.

• Zach Galifianakis - Host : It's not?

  Tina Fey : [changing the topic]  Is your mother alive?

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : I don't know, I texted her on her birthday. She never texted back.

  Tina Fey : [ignoring him]  anyway yes my pubic hair is very red.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : it is red?

  Tina Fey : [referring to hair on her head]  redder than this.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : you do an impression of Sarah Palin and I love Sarah Palin, oh excuse me I meant to say I like "parasailing", that's what I meant to say.

  Tina Fey : [Amused]  oh ok, that's a joke.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : No, it was just the sentence.

  Tina Fey : ok.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : Some people say that women are funny and I know that a lot of funny bitches.

  Tina Fey : If you were a woman in comedy and came to me with the same body, the gag would be Kevin James would open the door to you and he would throw up. Those would be the kind of bits you would play.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : I worked with a woman director, do you know what she told me?

  Tina Fey : What?

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : Your fat.

  Tina Fey : "Your fat", hare's five more million dollars, is that what it was?

  Tina Fey : You know what? There's a level of malice to your whole behavior and questioning style that it's kind of humorous, it's actually very cowardly. It's almost like your willfully obtuse in these questions to make some kind of vague point about the fatuous nature of celebrity interviews which is a pretty trod observation but yes we all agree that celebrity interviews are vagrant and empty but at the same time you "asked" me to come here, you asked" me to do this as a favor and I come here and your rude to me almost like you say to yourself "I'm too cool to be caring about a celebrity, at the same time increasing your own "celebrity"

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [Remains silent while nodding] 

  Tina Fey : Have you thought about that?

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : That's pretty good, for a girl.