Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis (TV Series)
A Fairytale of New York (2012)
Jon Stewart: Self
Quotes
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Zach Galifianakis - Host : [Narrating] Most of us have heard of "weekly shows", some of us have heard of "monthly shows" and of course all of us have heard about "yearly shows." My next guest took a different route. "The Daily Show". The host Jon Stewart is a political humorist who started out as a stand-up comic, as a young man on a basketball scholarship, he dreamed of "making it" to the "big time" and even though it's on Comedy Central, some people consider it the "big time."
Zach Galifianakis - Host : Do you mind if I give you some constructive criticism for your show?
Jon Stewart : Not at all.
Zach Galifianakis - Host : Would it be cool to be put E-R-S on the end of the title your show?
Jon Stewart : I don't know, it seems kind of stupid.
Zach Galifianakis - Host : Then it'd be called "The Daily Showers," why would you want to remind hippies to watch that crap?
Jon Stewart : [Remains silent]
Zach Galifianakis - Host : You've had a lot of accomplishments in the world of print and your last book "Earth" came out and it was one of the best books I bought because I bought it and used it for my turtle ramp.
Jon Stewart : How many turtles do you have?
Zach Galifianakis - Host : Six and they love your book and they just go up and down it
Jon Stewart : What kind?
Zach Galifianakis - Host : Two hard shell, three hard shell and one of them I got from a "rescue turtle" place and it doesn't have a shell so people just think it's a fat lizard.
Jon Stewart : You basically went out of your way to construction a question about something I worked really hard on, put my heart and soul into it then you decided to write up a little question and just use it as a "set up" to get in to shit on my book
Zach Galifianakis - Host : My turtles actually do that.
Jon Stewart : You don't have turtles.
Zach Galifianakis - Host : No, I have six turtles.
Jon Stewart : You don't have turtles, you are a "turtle-less man", what are their names?
Zach Galifianakis - Host : Ruby, Bell, Bib, Devoe, Ricky, and Myachiva
Jon Stewart : [Catching Zach lying] Ok that's seven
Zach Galifianakis - Host : [Looking down] Well, Myachiva died
Jon Stewart : [looking around] Right.
Zach Galifianakis - Host : Are you looking for a glass of water?
Jon Stewart : [Sarcastically] No, why would I look for a glass of water when I'm in a room with no air conditioning and no halogen lighting?
Jon Stewart : [Intentionally belittling Zach] I could do this too, I don't know if you know this but I host a show and I interview people so if I do that I'm not trying to lure that over you, it's just a natural question.
Zach Galifianakis - Host : Just because you do those things you think you could influence people?
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Jon Stewart : I don't think we influence people
Zach Galifianakis - Host : Well I think there's a certain chip on your shoulder...
Jon Stewart : [Interrupts him] No there's no chip...
Zach Galifianakis - Host : [Interrupts him] I think there's a sense of entitlement you have...
Jon Stewart : No there isn't...
Zach Galifianakis - Host : [interrupts him] I think people think you think know so much shit about everyone and about everything happening so you say to yourself "look at me I'm Jon Stewart I know so much shit."
Jon Stewart : [Interrupts him] I've never done that.
Zach Galifianakis - Host : People are sick of it, there's a perception of you out there.
Jon Stewart : [ignores Zach and touches the ferns]
Zach Galifianakis - Host : don't touch my ferns
Jon Stewart : I'm sorry
Zach Galifianakis - Host : Please don't touch them.
Jon Stewart : I'm sorry.
Zach Galifianakis - Host : I've been in movies though, it's not like I haven't done anything.
Jon Stewart : You stood around with a monkey in a movie and a baby strapped to your chest, yeah you've been in "movies."
Zach Galifianakis - Host : [Looking down in shame] People like that movie
Jon Stewart : You know what you did in those movies? You carried something people liked. You think I'd be cut out of First Wives Club if I didn't carry a monkey?
Zach Galifianakis - Host : No.
Jon Stewart : Exactly.
Jon Stewart : Ed Helms is in movies
Zach Galifianakis - Host : Ed Helms is in the movies we're talking about.
Jon Stewart : Oh I didn't notice you, I just remember Ed Helms was in this great movie with this guy that was carrying around a monkey.
Zach Galifianakis - Host : [Becoming irritated] I'm in that movie.
Jon Stewart : Oh.
Zach Galifianakis - Host : Do you have a question I can ask you that'll make you cry?
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Jon Stewart : [whispers in his ear]
Zach Galifianakis - Host : Tell me about New Jersey?
Jon Stewart : [Starts to cry] It's one of our nation's most popular industrial states.
Zach Galifianakis - Host : [Jon continues to cry] And is this an "acting" thing you're doing? Is this why you were cut out of First Wives Club?
Jon Stewart : Yeah I was trying to cry.
Zach Galifianakis - Host : We can show you how to cry.
Jon Stewart : You sure?
Zach Galifianakis - Host : Ask me a question though
Jon Stewart : How old are you?
Zach Galifianakis - Host : [Begins to cry]
Jon Stewart : [amused] Wow
Zach Galifianakis - Host : [Crying] Forty-two.
Jon Stewart : Next time you're in a movie, I'm not even going to look at the monkey, I'm going to look at you.