- Buford: If I wanted to oil feet, I could have stayed at home.
- Major Monogram: You, Monty Monogram, don't have to give up MY dream of becoming an acrobat.
- Buford: Sentimentality or leaves - ya can't have both.
- [Doofenshmirtz traps Perry inside stylish ladies' footwear]
- Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Now THAT'S what I call getting the boot!
- Dr. Doofenshmirtz: All my life I've been a zero, but when I have TWO heads, I'm gonna be twice that!
- Dr. Doofenshmirtz: [making six more copies of his head] Heads I win, tails you lose!
- Doofenshmirtz Head #2: Really? That's the best you got?
- Doofenshmirtz Head #6: It's kind of obvious.
- Doofenshmirtz Head #7: Juvenile?
- Doofenshmirtz Head #4: I kind of liked it.
- Doofenshmirtz Head #2, Doofenshmirtz Head #3, Doofenshmirtz Head #5, Doofenshmirtz Head #6, Doofenshmirtz Head #7: You would!
- Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Backstory, backstory, backstory! The backstory is what drives an evil scientist. It is the "Why does he do what he does?" of the "What does he do?" My point is, at its best, evil science is like undergoing deep Freudian analysis - with a theremin constantly playing in the background.
- Dr. Doofenshmirtz: See, now THAT'S a trap! I even made it based on my own daughter's fashion style - vampire pilgrim scuba diver.