- Tom Tucker: That's right Joyce. Apparently there were 100 kilos of cocaine right here in Quahog, and yet my guy can't get dick.
- Chris Griffin: Does the Swanson divorce mean that I have to go live with Grandma and Grandpa?
- Lois Griffin: No, Chris, it does not. That doesn't even make any sense.
- Peter Griffin: Hey, Joe, I saw you on TV. Now I have to go through the five stages of having a celebrity friend. Oh, you're on TV! That's so cool! We're going right to the top together. Oh, you think you're better than us, huh? Just one stroke of luck, and you're there and I'm here. I'm sorry I overreacted. Look, you got to be careful. You need someone looking out for you, who knows you. Someone you can trust. Give me some money!
- Lois Griffin: What a great day for Joe and Bonnie. This is Kevin's first birthday since he came home from Iraq.
- Chris Griffin: Why does Kevin always sit at the bus stop, but never gets on a bus?
- Lois Griffin: Please don't bring that up. Don't bring anything he does up.
- Kevin Swanson: Mom, it's my birthday and you invited your friends.
- Bonnie Swanson: All yours are dead!
- Lois Griffin: Peter, I can't believe you would encourage Joe to have an affair.
- Peter Griffin: Look, Lois, it's in the Bible.
- Lois Griffin: What's in the Bible?
- Peter Griffin: I... I don't know. Doesn't that always cover it somehow?
- Nora: Officer Swanson, I just wanted to say congratulations. I'm Nora. I just joined the force.
- Joe Swanson: Nice to meet you.
- Nora: Wow, I've heard so much about you. You're like a legend at the academy. Is it true you got straight A's in Officer Henderson's Overintensity Workshop?
- Joe Swanson: [in an intense voice] You're damn right I did!