Modern Family (TV Series)

The Butler's Escape (2012)

Julie Bowen: Claire Dunphy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jay Pritchett : [about Gloria's snoring]  How do I bring it up?

  Claire Dunphy : Well, for starters, you don't. You suck it up! Dad, your hot wife, who was learning to walk when you were 30 years old, is pregnant with the baby you conceived doing something most men would kill to do!

• Mitchell Pritchett : [as Claire tries to sneak behind Cam]  So, tell me more about the kids.

  Cameron Tucker : Well, it was as I predicted, you know. They just needed somebody to come in there and bring music back to life. And, you know, that person was...

  [Voice starts breaking] 

  Cameron Tucker : That person was...

  [Starts sobbing] 

  Cameron Tucker : It's not me!

  Mitchell Pritchett : What's happening?

  Cameron Tucker : It was a disaster, Mitchell! They hated me! Not just the kids, the teachers. They wouldn't sit with me at lunch; I had to sit alone.

  Mitchell Pritchett : Oh, honey.

  [Gestures at Claire to leave before Cam sees her] 

  Cameron Tucker : And my sweater - the shop teacher spilled juice on it. He said it was an accident, but it wasn't an accident.

  Mitchell Pritchett : It's okay.

  Cameron Tucker : It was a disaster, Mitchell. It's not okay! I failed miserably. And look at you - you did everything so perfectly.

  Mitchell Pritchett : Well, yes.

  [Sees Claire giving him a look] 

  Mitchell Pritchett : And-and-and no. Look, look, I... I gotta tell ya, uh, I've just been watching how you've done things all these years, and I just perfected it.

  Claire Dunphy : [Slams the door]  Oh, please, Mitchell!

  Mitchell Pritchett : Claire...

  Claire Dunphy : Cam, he was every bit the failure you were. He was late picking up Lily - she was in with the custodians. The only thing he had less to do with than dinner was the dimmer. And her hair was in braids because there was gum in it! And -

  [Cam grabs Mitchell in a hug] 

  Claire Dunphy : Why are we hugging?

  Cameron Tucker : Because I know if he called you for help and heard as many insults as I know he had to hear, then he had a worse day than me.

  Mitchell Pritchett : [Voice breaks]  She was horrible, Cam.

  Cameron Tucker : [Hugs Mitchell again]  Oh! You know what? It's gonna get better.

  Mitchell Pritchett : No, I know. We just need some time to settle into these new roles.

  Cameron Tucker : You were right to lower my expectations.

  Mitchell Pritchett : I just wish I had lowered mine.

  Claire Dunphy : [Clanging pot lid and drill]  This gonna work it's way around to a 'Thank You', ladies?

• Alex Dunphy : You're kidding, right? You cannot really be enjoying that stupid show.

  Claire Dunphy : I was changing channels. God. Why are you so mean lately? Is something going on with you?

  Alex Dunphy : Is it that obvious?

  Claire Dunphy : Oh, my gosh. Come on. You can talk to me.

  Alex Dunphy : Well...

  Claire Dunphy : Mm-hmm?

  Alex Dunphy : There's this girl at school, and...

  Claire Dunphy : Mm-hmm.

  Alex Dunphy : She got pregnant.

  Claire Dunphy : [Gasps]  No.

  Alex Dunphy : I know. I've been trying to help her, but with all the pills she's taking, she kinda lashes out.

  Claire Dunphy : Oh, honey, this is too much for you to take on alone. Where are the parents?

  Alex Dunphy : They're no help. Dad's all consumed with his plastic surgery business, and her mom's an ex-model who's trying to launch a music career.

  Claire Dunphy : You're describing the show I was just watching, right?

  Alex Dunphy : I'm just saying, mix in a book every now and then.

  Claire Dunphy : [Throws popcorn at her as she leaves]  Mean! Mean!

• Claire Dunphy : Hey, Dad. How's 'Frisco?

  Jay Pritchett : My meetings ended early. I didn't even have to spend the night. And don't say "'Frisco". They hate it when you call it "'Frisco".

  Claire Dunphy : How do you know what they hate? You've been there two times in your life.

  Jay Pritchett : Anyway, I haven't slept in a week. Gloria's snoring like a water buffalo.

  Claire Dunphy : Aw. Well, she's pregnant. It's uncomfortable. What she put on? 15? 20? 25? 30?

  Jay Pritchett : We're not doing this again.

• Jay Pritchett : I'm just so tired.

  Claire Dunphy : It's a small sacrifice compared to what she's going through. Poor thing, what with the extra... 30? 35? 40? 45?

  Jay Pritchett : We're done.

  [Hangs up] 

• Alex Dunphy : [Watching Claire do a crossword puzzle]  Wrong.

  Claire Dunphy : I am thinking.

  Alex Dunphy : If you were thinking, you wouldn't have Seattle as the capital of Washington.

  Claire Dunphy : Oh. Yeah. It's Spokane.

  Alex Dunphy : Sure, which makes the 11th President of the United States 'James K. Pslk.'

  Claire Dunphy : Okay, Alex, stop. I'm trying to figure this out.

  Alex Dunphy : [Waits one second]  Buzz! Time's up, dummy. It's Olympia.

  [to Luke, who's looking at the back of a cereal box] 

  Alex Dunphy : Make sure you sound out the big, scary words.

  [Smacks his head into the box and walks away laughing] 

  Luke Dunphy : Mom, something's on my mind, and it's really bothering me.

  Claire Dunphy : Yeah, it's really bothering me, too, but I think it's gonna be rich, so we better be nice to it.

• Claire Dunphy : Luke wants to quit magic.

  Phil Dunphy : [Without missing a beat]  That's not happening. Well, see you guys at dinner.

  Claire Dunphy : Sweetheart, don't you even want to talk about this?

  Phil Dunphy : What's to talk about? The kid's a natural. He has everything - the hands, the patter, the outfits.

  Claire Dunphy : Okay, let's play this out. Even if he is one in a million, what's our best case scenario here? He becomes, what...

  Claire Dunphy , Phil Dunphy : [Simultaneously, Phil excited and Claire neutral]  A professional magician?

  Phil Dunphy : Honey, the boy has a gift! You wanna just throw that away?

  Claire Dunphy : I don't think it's about throwing it away I think it's about you pushing him...

  Luke Dunphy : Don't I get a say in any of this? I'm sorry I don't like magic as much as you, but I don't.

  Phil Dunphy : This isn't about magic.

  Luke Dunphy : No, it's about *my* life and *you* controlling it.

  Phil Dunphy : Luke, you made a commitment. You will honor that commitment!

  Luke Dunphy : Ugh! I hate it here!

  [Throws a smoke pellet and disappears like a magician] 

  Phil Dunphy : [Whispers]  Luke?

• Phil Dunphy : [about Luke quitting magic]  It's just hard, you know? It's the first time he hasn't shared one of my interests. It's scary to think that this is the start of us growing apart.

  Claire Dunphy : Oh, honey, it's probably just a phase. Alex is going through something right now. I wish I could figure that out.

  Phil Dunphy : I can't breathe.

  Claire Dunphy : Anxiety.

  Phil Dunphy : No, no, I'm-I'm fighting the jacket. The key to this escape is balance. The whole thing is based on the idea of opposing forces holding each other in check.

  Claire Dunphy : That actually makes some sense.

  Phil Dunphy : Some sense? There are two things I know with dead certainty: how to shoulder roll out of a human pyramid, and the black arts of the Butler's Escape.

  Claire Dunphy : No, honey, our house is out of balance because Alex is missing her opposing force. Mm? Yeah.

  [Kisses Phil and leaves] 

  Phil Dunphy : Oh, y-you're missing out. Some people describe this escape as visual poetry.

  [Falls face-down on the bed and can't roll over] 

  Phil Dunphy : Honey?

  [Stuck on his stomach] 

  Phil Dunphy : Oh, no.

• Claire Dunphy : Alex, come say hi to your sister! I love you so much.

  Alex Dunphy : What's up, lady?

  Haley Dunphy : Oh, my god. You did not just say 'What's up, lady?'. What's wrong with you?

  Alex Dunphy : I was just saying hello ...

  Haley Dunphy : Oh, it's like the lamest thing you've ever said. And what is that shirt? What are you, a flapper?

  Alex Dunphy : I just bought it at that store that you ...

  Haley Dunphy : Oh, where? Forever 1921? And what is going on with your hair?

  Alex Dunphy : What's wrong with my hair?

  Haley Dunphy : Oh, you should just dip yourself in boy repellent.

  Alex Dunphy : Shut up! Mom!

  Claire Dunphy : [Straightening a picture in the hall]  And balance... is restored.

• Phil Dunphy : [Woken in the middle of the night by an explosion]  Is everybody okay?

  Claire Dunphy : I'm fine. Thanks for waiting.

  Alex Dunphy : What was that?

  Phil Dunphy : Water heater, gas line - the training's the same, people. Just stay low and move out!

  Claire Dunphy : Honey, Luke's gone.

  Phil Dunphy : Claire, spontaneous human combustion is very rare.

  Claire Dunphy : I don't think he exploded, Phil.

  Luke Dunphy : [Coming in from outside]  The rope ladder works. At least *someone* followed protocol.