Modern Family (TV Series)

Arrested (2012)

Ty Burrell: Phil Dunphy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Haley Dunphy : In Legally Blonde, Elle won her case because she was true to herself and dressed cute.

  Phil Dunphy : Haley, this is real life, not an excellent movie.

• Haley Dunphy : Why are you guys acting like this is my fault? Everybody was drinking, everybody ran. I just got caught. If anything, I'm the victim here.

  Phil Dunphy : What? Just stop... just stop talking, Haley. You're not the victim here, you're the one who screwed up! You made one bad decision after another, now you're about to blow everything your mother and I worked so hard to give you. And the worst thing is, you don't seem to care. We all got up at 3:00 a.m. this morning to bail you out of jail! We haven't eaten a thing. And you know what I haven't heard from you yet? "I'm sorry, Mom. I screwed up, Dad. Please forgive me." Now, put on some real clothes. We'll see you at the hearing. Do not be late! Come on.

  [Phil and Claire turn to leave] 

  Haley Dunphy : Where are you going?

  Claire Dunphy : To get that man a waffle!

• Claire Dunphy : Haley has been arrested.

  Phil Dunphy : What?

  Cameron Tucker : [waking up as his phone rings]  Phone! Phone. I bet that's mama. I was just dreaming it was raining chickens! Mitchell, answer the phone!

  Mitchell Pritchett : Look what I'm doing. Look what I'm doing, huh? Hello?

  Claire Dunphy : Hey, Mitchell. I'm sorry to wake you up, but Haley got arrested.

  Mitchell Pritchett : Oh, god. Haley got arrested.

  Cameron Tucker : That explains the chickens.

  Mitchell Pritchett : It does. It adds up.

• Claire Dunphy : You okay?

  Haley Dunphy : Yeah, I'm fine, mom.

  Claire Dunphy : Oh! What the hell were you thinking?

  Phil Dunphy : What happened?

  Haley Dunphy : Well, it's not a big deal, okay? There was a party, and people were drinking, so the police showed up. And everybody ran, so I did, too. And I started climbing down this fire escape, and then I heard a cop yell to put your hands up, so I did, and I fell... onto him.

  Claire Dunphy : You could have been killed. Haley, you're supposed to be an adult. How could you do something so childish...

  Phil Dunphy : Okay, okay, okay, okay.

  Claire Dunphy : ...and stupid?

  Phil Dunphy : Let's... let's calm down. We're all a little tired and cranky. Best thing we can do right now is get out of here, go get some waffles...

  Claire Dunphy : I don't want waffles, Phil, okay? I'm upset and I want to do deal with this.

  Mitchell Pritchett : All right, I got some bad news here. Um, this afternoon, Haley has to appear before a disciplinary board, which will decide whether or not she gets kicked out of school.

  Claire Dunphy : What?

  Phil Dunphy : Oh...

  Mitchell Pritchett : Oh, wait. Wait, no. I got that wrong. Oh, no, I got it right! Yes! Score. One for me.

• Phil Dunphy : [bailing Haley out of jail]  What is taking so long?

  Mitchell Pritchett : Well, in my experience, these things can take time. So... settle in. This... this could be a while.

  Phil Dunphy : [Haley comes out]  There she is.

  Mitchell Pritchett : Damn it!

• Haley Dunphy : I really am sorry.

  Claire Dunphy : We appreciate that.

  Phil Dunphy : It's good that you stepped up today.

  Claire Dunphy : Yeah. Sometimes it's healthy to get a fresh start.

  Haley Dunphy : [picking up a box of belongings]  Ugh. I can't believe this. What am I gonna do?

  Phil Dunphy : Well, they said you could reapply next year.

  Claire Dunphy : In the meantime, you're gonna get a job and you're gonna take some classes.

  Haley Dunphy : Well, I'm gonna buckle down and get a lot more serious.

  Phil Dunphy : Good for you.

  Claire Dunphy : Yeah.

  Phil Dunphy : Where are my keys?

  Haley Dunphy : Oh, they're right there on the makeup table.

  Claire Dunphy : Oh, honey. That's a desk.

• Aidan Schwartz : You are charged with public drunkenness, resisting arrest, and assaulting a police officer, all of which obviously violate our school's code of conduct.

  Mitchell Pritchett : Sir, if I may speak on behalf of my client...

  Dean Miller : Who are you?

  Mitchell Pritchett : I'm Mitchell Pritchett, I'm Ms. Dunphy's attorney.

  Aidan Schwartz : We require students to speak for themselves. There are no attorneys allowed. You shouldn't even be here.

  Mitchell Pritchett : What if I just sat in this chair and I was really super-quiet and I just listen?

  Aidan Schwartz : I'll allow it.

  Dean Miller : Knock it off, Aidan. Ms. Dunphy, is there anything you would like to say in your defense?

  Haley Dunphy : Actually, I have no defense. I was drinking. I am underage. I ran from the police. And even though it was an accident, I injured an officer. I am very, very sorry. I've made a lot of bad decisions since I've been here, and it's time I take some responsibility. Like sometimes in the dining hall, I slip my pinky under the scale when they weigh my salad. Also, I've missed more morning classes than I've been to. I don't know what the policy is on dating TAs, but I think I broke it. Twice.

  Phil Dunphy : [quietly]  Oh, man.

  Haley Dunphy : And if we're gonna be completely honest, on my application to get in here, I lied about the fact that I was...

  Phil Dunphy : Uh, objection!

  Aidan Schwartz : On what grounds?

  Mitchell Pritchett : Oh, he gets to say it? He gets...

  Dean Miller : Ms. Dunphy. Ms. Dunphy, we appreciate your... candor. Is there anything else you'd like to add?

  Haley Dunphy : Go Wildcats?

  Dean Miller : Oh, boy.

  Aidan Schwartz : That's not even our mascot.

• Mitchell Pritchett : [in Haley's dorm room]  Who lives like this? When I had a dorm room, it was...

  [stepping on something] 

  Mitchell Pritchett : ...oh. It was spotless. Can we just agree that girls are dirtier than boys?

  Claire Dunphy : What should we do?

  Mitchell Pritchett : Well, I'd like to start by picking up some of these clothes. Then...

  Claire Dunphy : About the hearing, Felix. Do we have a game plan?

  Phil Dunphy : I think the best thing we can do is walk in there as a family and let 'em know we support Haley no matter what.

  Claire Dunphy : At this rate, we are going to be supporting Haley for the rest of our lives.

  Mitchell Pritchett : Okay. Oh, I... I just sat on half a peach, so I... no. I can't do this. I'm... I'm waiting outside.

• Phil Dunphy : Look, this has got to be some kind of mistake. Our daughter's tiny. There's no way she assaulted anyone. Insulted, maybe. Was... was the cop wearing white socks and dark shoes? 'Cause that really sets her off.

  Police Officer : [showing them footage from a dashboard camera]  Maybe you should watch this.

  Phil Dunphy , Claire Dunphy , Mitchell Pritchett : Ooh!

  Mitchell Pritchett : Okay. No, but... that's very blurry footage. How can we be sure that that's Haley?

  Haley Dunphy : Don't hurt me! I'm just a student! I'm Haley Dunphy!

• Phil Dunphy : We're here for Haley Dunphy.

  Mitchell Pritchett : I'm Mitchell Pritchett. I'm Ms. Dunphy's attorney.

  Police Officer : She won't be needing a lawyer today.

  Mitchell Pritchett : Oh, I think I'll be the judge of that. I'd like to confer with my client now. Thank you.

  Police Officer : All you have to do is post bail and she's all yours.

  Mitchell Pritchett : Really? Oh. That... that's fantastic.

  Claire Dunphy : Sir, I am in no mood to defend my daughter today, believe me. But do you think it is the best use of resources to lock up college kids who've had a few drinks?

  Police Officer : Ma'am, your daughter was charged with resisting arrest and assaulting a police officer.

  Phil Dunphy : What?

  Claire Dunphy : Ooh.

  Mitchell Pritchett : Wow. You probably should've called a real lawyer, 'cause I don't... I'm not...

  Claire Dunphy : Shh!

• Mitchell Pritchett : Hey, Claire, do you wanna pick it up a little bit? Since when do you drive the speed limit?

  Claire Dunphy : My daughter has been arrested for drinking. I would like her to sit in jail and think about that. As a matter of fact, I might stop and do a little outlet shopping. Who wants a pair of last year's sunglasses, huh?

  Phil Dunphy : Honey... try to relax.

  Claire Dunphy : I don't feel like relaxing, Phil! She has been in college for *six weeks*.

  Phil Dunphy : Yeah, and everyone goes a little crazy at first. I remember one night freshman year, a bunch of us on the frisbee golf team got a case of Zima. Enough zaid.

  Claire Dunphy : More than enough.

  [cut to testimonial interviews] 

  Claire Dunphy : I'm not gonna lie. Sometimes, it bothers me how calm Phil is under pressure. It's like... like I'm the one who's overreacting.

  Phil Dunphy : That's good. Let it out. It's g...

  Claire Dunphy : I'm going to kill you.

• Phil Dunphy : Can you believe how many waffle places we passed?

  Mitchell Pritchett : I can't believe how much dad belittles me.

  Phil Dunphy : What were there, five? Six?

  Mitchell Pritchett : Okay, I edited the Law Review. I passed the bar on my first try. I have a briefcase.

  Phil Dunphy : I'm counting them on the way back.

  Claire Dunphy : Can we focus?

• Claire Dunphy : Hi, dad.

  Jay Pritchett : Hey, Claire. Any updates?

  Claire Dunphy : Not yet, but we're almost there.

  Jay Pritchett : Last time you were over at the house, you were looking for that photo album. What'd you do with it?

  Mitchell Pritchett : Oh, dad, that was me. I think I put it on the shelf behind the bar.

  Jay Pritchett : What are you doing there?

  Mitchell Pritchett : They asked me to come along in case they needed a lawyer.

  Jay Pritchett : Shouldn't they have a real lawyer?

  Phil Dunphy : Oh, god. Should we?

  Mitchell Pritchett : I am a real lawyer, people. Environmental law is a thing.

  Jay Pritchett : Don't get all sensitive on me. I mean someone who doesn't defend pandas.

  Mitchell Pritchett : [sarcastic]  Yeah, dad, 'cause that's what I do. I-I defend pandas in court.

  Phil Dunphy : That's adorable.

  Jay Pritchett : You know what I'm talking about. Haley needs someone who knows criminal law, like Perry Mason.

  Mitchell Pritchett : Okay, so I'm not a real lawyer, but Perry Mason is?