Modern Family (TV Series)
Arrested (2012)
Ed O'Neill: Jay Pritchett
Photos
Quotes
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Jay Pritchett : [his phone wakes him up in the middle of the night] This better be good.
Claire Dunphy : Haley got arrested for drinking. We gotta go bail her out. Do you still have a connection to that judge upstate?
Jay Pritchett : He died.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Ay! Who died?
Jay Pritchett : An old friend of mine.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Ay, Jay, I'm so sorry.
Jay Pritchett : He died five years ago.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Then why are they calling us in the middle of the night to wake us up?
Jay Pritchett : Nobody died. Haley's in jail.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Okay. That makes more sense.
Jay Pritchett : Claire has to go bail her out.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : [taking the phone] Okay. Give me that. Claire, listen to me. Take a lot of cash. And when you flash it to the police, do no speak about it. Let the eyes do all the talking, okay?
Manny Delgado : [coming in] I heard the phone. Who died?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Jay's friend.
Manny Delgado : Oh, Jay, I'm so sorry.
Claire Dunphy : Okay, I can't do this again.
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Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Making a child is the easy part. The hard part is everything that comes after. Keeping them safe...
Cameron Tucker : Well, you can tell your mother that my scones are appropriately crunchy on the outside while delightfully dense on the ins...
[the kids all scream, and he swerves the car]
Cameron Tucker : Saw that. I saw it.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : ...making sacrifices for them...
Jay Pritchett : Hey, kid. I'll take you to that poetry reading thing tonight.
Manny Delgado : Actually, DeDe and I were just talking. She's a huge fan of spoken-word...
DeDe Pritchett : And I would love to escort him.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Please.
Jay Pritchett : Go.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : ...and standing by them, even when they let you down.
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Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Jay, do you have some time today? We need to go and pick out a stroller.
Jay Pritchett : Just get whatever you want. I mean, it's what you're gonna do anyway.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : What I want is a husband who likes to go shopping for a stroller with me.
Jay Pritchett : If you had a husband who liked picking out strollers, you wouldn't be having a baby.
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Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Ay, Jay, it's so weird. The moment I came through the door, the baby started kicking like crazy, like it's trying to claw its way out of me.
[seeing DeDe]
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Bruja!
DeDe Pritchett : Oh, my god.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : What is she doing here?
DeDe Pritchett : You're going to have a baby? I don't believe it.
Jay Pritchett : Uh, DeDe, don't get all crazy about this.
[DeDe starts laughing]
Jay Pritchett : What's happening?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Her brain. It snapped.
DeDe Pritchett : Oh! You're going to be a father again at your age. And here you were thinking you would just sail off into the sunset with your beautiful young wife, not a care in the world. This is fantastic! I think my uterus just fixed itself.
Jay Pritchett : [to Gloria] Don't ask.
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DeDe Pritchett : I don't remember him changing a single diaper.
Jay Pritchett : What's that supposed to mean? You can't even remember killing your cat.
DeDe Pritchett : Oh, I don't think I did. But I'm sure that you never changed any diapers.
Jay Pritchett : It's just that you were better at it than I was.
DeDe Pritchett : Oh, so I guess I was better at late-night feedings and cleaning spit-up, too.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : You know what? He wouldn't help me pick up a stroller or a blanket or a bouncy chair.
DeDe Pritchett : Oh, well, I had to get that stuff on my own. He was just useless.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : You poor thing. Makes all sense now why you became so crazy.
DeDe Pritchett : Right?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : [in an intimidating tone] Listen to me, Jay Pritchett. If you don't change your useless ways, you're gonna make me crazy, too! Like DeDe!
Jay Pritchett : [following her out] Gloria. Gloria!
[sarcastically to DeDe]
Jay Pritchett : I just love our little visits.
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Jay Pritchett : [in testimonial interviews] Turns out Gloria being pregnant somehow made DeDe think of her as less trophy, more human. And all the animosity she had for Gloria just wafted up in the air...
DeDe Pritchett : [in the story] I hope you're hiring a nanny, because this one won't lift a finger.
Jay Pritchett : ...and landed right on top of me.
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Jay Pritchett : What are you looking for?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Nothing! I am making a lot of noise because I'm angry!
Jay Pritchett : Gloria, I'm gonna help you with the baby.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : I am not young like with Manny. I am tired already, and it's gonna get harder from here! I can't do this on my own, and you did this to me, so you're going to be here this time!
Jay Pritchett : Back then, we were living paycheck to paycheck. The reason I wasn't around is I was working all the time. Believe me, DeDe wasn't the only one having sleepless nights. But now it's different. Now I can help you with everything.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Really?
Jay Pritchett : Let's start right now. I like that one.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Which one?
Jay Pritchett : That silver stroller.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : No, we're going to get the green one.
Jay Pritchett : Great. What's next? How about I pick out the wrong crib?
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Manny Delgado : So, who wants to come with me to the spoken word festival this evening? I only have two tickets, so somebody's gonna be disappointed.
Jay Pritchett : I think it's gonna be you.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Ay, Manny, I would go with you, but I'm so tired.
Jay Pritchett : You just woke up. How are you tired?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Maybe because I'm turning food into a human! Jay will take you.
Jay Pritchett : Sorry, I would love to go to the spoken word festival, but I'm already going to the I'd-rather-blow-my-brains-out jamboree.
Manny Delgado : I can't believe this. I'm living in a cultural wasteland.
Jay Pritchett : With a heated pool.
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Jay Pritchett : I was dreading DeDe finding out that Gloria's pregnant. It's the one thing DeDe's hung on to, that she's the mother of my kids. And considering their history...
[flashback to various past encounters]
Jay Pritchett : ...I wasn't exactly looking forward to round four, especially now that Gloria's a bigger, slower target.
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DeDe Pritchett : Good morning, Jay. Namaste.
Jay Pritchett : Let's not do this.
DeDe Pritchett : Oh, fine, silly. I'm on my way to a retreat in Ojai, and since I'm passing through town, I thought I'd pick up that photo album.
Jay Pritchett : You know, it's really not a good time.
DeDe Pritchett : [pleading] Oh, please!
Jay Pritchett : All right. I'll meet you on the street. Drive by slow with the window open.
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Claire Dunphy : Hi, dad.
Jay Pritchett : Hey, Claire. Any updates?
Claire Dunphy : Not yet, but we're almost there.
Jay Pritchett : Last time you were over at the house, you were looking for that photo album. What'd you do with it?
Mitchell Pritchett : Oh, dad, that was me. I think I put it on the shelf behind the bar.
Jay Pritchett : What are you doing there?
Mitchell Pritchett : They asked me to come along in case they needed a lawyer.
Jay Pritchett : Shouldn't they have a real lawyer?
Phil Dunphy : Oh, god. Should we?
Mitchell Pritchett : I am a real lawyer, people. Environmental law is a thing.
Jay Pritchett : Don't get all sensitive on me. I mean someone who doesn't defend pandas.
Mitchell Pritchett : [sarcastic] Yeah, dad, 'cause that's what I do. I-I defend pandas in court.
Phil Dunphy : That's adorable.
Jay Pritchett : You know what I'm talking about. Haley needs someone who knows criminal law, like Perry Mason.
Mitchell Pritchett : Okay, so I'm not a real lawyer, but Perry Mason is?
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Jay Pritchett : Hello, DeDe. How you doing?
DeDe Pritchett : Oh, mostly fine. I have something called a telescoping uterus. Long story.
Jay Pritchett : Aw, jeez.
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Jay Pritchett : This is beautiful. Look at you two, having a conversation like old friends.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Well, it's easier to talk to her when she's not choking me.
DeDe Pritchett : I'm sorry. I went through a bad patch there when I was trying to find the right balance with my meds. I recently discovered my cat Frances buried in the backyard. I'm just praying that she died first.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Maybe you can dogsit for the shoe-eater one day.
DeDe Pritchett : Oh, well, she is a... funny-looking thing.
Jay Pritchett : [to his pitbull Stella] Don't listen to them. You're beautiful.