Modern Family (TV Series)
Arrested (2012)
Eric Stonestreet: Cameron Tucker
Photos
Quotes
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Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Making a child is the easy part. The hard part is everything that comes after. Keeping them safe...
Cameron Tucker : Well, you can tell your mother that my scones are appropriately crunchy on the outside while delightfully dense on the ins...
[the kids all scream, and he swerves the car]
Cameron Tucker : Saw that. I saw it.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : ...making sacrifices for them...
Jay Pritchett : Hey, kid. I'll take you to that poetry reading thing tonight.
Manny Delgado : Actually, DeDe and I were just talking. She's a huge fan of spoken-word...
DeDe Pritchett : And I would love to escort him.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Please.
Jay Pritchett : Go.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : ...and standing by them, even when they let you down.
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Claire Dunphy : Haley has been arrested.
Phil Dunphy : What?
Cameron Tucker : [waking up as his phone rings] Phone! Phone. I bet that's mama. I was just dreaming it was raining chickens! Mitchell, answer the phone!
Mitchell Pritchett : Look what I'm doing. Look what I'm doing, huh? Hello?
Claire Dunphy : Hey, Mitchell. I'm sorry to wake you up, but Haley got arrested.
Mitchell Pritchett : Oh, god. Haley got arrested.
Cameron Tucker : That explains the chickens.
Mitchell Pritchett : It does. It adds up.
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Alex Dunphy : Uncle Cam. I thought I heard your voice. What are you doing here? Where are my parents?
Cameron Tucker : Well, the school called, and your sister won a big award.
Alex Dunphy : Nice try. The only person who would believe that would be Haley.
Lily Tucker-Pritchett : She's in jail.
Alex Dunphy : Jail?
Cameron Tucker : Lily, what did I say?
Lily Tucker-Pritchett : That it was only a matter of time.
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Cameron Tucker : How you doing, Alex?
Alex Dunphy : I'm fine, except for the crushing blow of knowing I'll never be a doctor. Or have a baby. I wonder what's going on with Haley.
Cameron Tucker : I don't know. I've been so petty about your mom judging my parenting, I haven't even thought about what she's going through today. I feel awful. You know what? I should call her.
Alex Dunphy : What are you talking about? Mom thinks you're a great parent.
Cameron Tucker : She does?
Luke Dunphy : Yeah. She just thinks you can't bake.
Claire Dunphy : [picking up Cam's call] Hello?
Cameron Tucker : [hanging up] Never mind.
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Cameron Tucker : [Luke is wearing his hospital gown backwards] Okay, Luke, the opening is supposed to be in the back.
Luke Dunphy : No way. I don't want people to see my butt. Do I have to get another shot?
Lily Tucker-Pritchett : Are you going to cry again?
Luke Dunphy : Should she be here?
Cameron Tucker : Okay, you know what? Nobody's getting any more shots. We just have to wait for the swelling to go down. All right? I'm gonna go check on a little paperwork. I'll be right back.
Alex Dunphy : But if it doesn't go down, that leg might have to come off.
Luke Dunphy : Sweet. Take them both. Then I could get some of those blade legs and finally be able to dunk.
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Cameron Tucker : [Luke is in the hospital] You're looking a lot better. How you feeling?
Luke Dunphy : Better than Kidney Stones over there.
Cameron Tucker : Yeah, you know what? Now that you're doing better, I think I should call your mom and tell her what happened. You know, I know it was a bit of a rough ride in the beginning, but the important thing is I handled it. And everybody's okay.
Luke Dunphy : What happened to her?
Mitchell Pritchett : [picking up Cam's call] Hello?
Orderly : [wheeling in Alex on a stretcher] She passed out watching a C-section.
Mitchell Pritchett : Cam?
Cameron Tucker : [the pitch of his voice rising] N-Never mind!
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Cameron Tucker : [learning Luke has a soy allergy] Okay, we have to, uh, get you to the, uh, hospital! Okay, Luke, put the fakon down!
Luke Dunphy : I'm using it to scratch my throat!
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Luke Dunphy : This is the best bacon I've ever had.
Cameron Tucker : Oh, well. I can't wait to tell your Uncle Mitchell that you love it.
Alex Dunphy : Why would Uncle Mitch care?
Cameron Tucker : [dialing Mitchell's number] Because, my dear, that bacon you're eating isn't bacon at all, no, no, no. It's made entirely of soy.
Alex Dunphy : Luke's allergic to soy! His throat closes! He can't breathe!
Mitchell Pritchett : [picking up] Hello?
Cameron Tucker : [hanging up] Never mind!
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Cameron Tucker : This boy can't breathe. He's having a severe allergic reaction.
Luke Dunphy : No, you're squeezing me.
Cameron Tucker : He needs medicine. His throat is closing up.
Nurse : Okay, hold on.
[picking up a phone receiver]
Nurse : We have an allergic reaction. A young boy. Obstructed breathing.
[hanging up]
Nurse : What happened?
Cameron Tucker : Well, somebody gave him some soy bacon that was so good, he couldn't tell the difference.
[his phone rings]
Cameron Tucker : Mitchell, I can't talk right now.
Claire Dunphy : Cam, it's Claire. My phone died. I just wanted to make sure the kids got to school okay.
Cameron Tucker : Oh, yeah, of course they did. Why wouldn't they have?
Orderly : I hear we got a boy who can't breathe?
Alex Dunphy : Right here.
Claire Dunphy : What was that?
Cameron Tucker : Oh, I'm just watching an original Lifetime movie called "The Boy Who Can't Breathe".
Claire Dunphy : That sounded like Alex.
Cameron Tucker : Nope, just Amanda Bynes.
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Alex Dunphy : How long is this gonna take? I should be in school. I'm missing Biology right now.
Cameron Tucker : You're in a hospital. Just step out into the hallway. Listen to the nurses and doctors talk. You'll learn more about science and humanity here than you would in a classroom in an entire semester.
Nurse : Attention! If there's a yogurt in the fridge that says "Teresa", then only Teresa gets to eat it!
Cameron Tucker : Drama. Soak it in.
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Mitchell Pritchett : [learning Haley is in jail] What did she get arrested for?
Claire Dunphy : Oh, she got caught drinking at some party. Look, could you drive up to the college with us? I think we're gonna need a lawyer.
Mitchell Pritchett : Yes, of course. And Cam and Lily can come over and stay with Alex and Luke.
Cameron Tucker : I'll guard them with my life.
Claire Dunphy : I hate to bother him.
Mitchell Pritchett : No, no, don't be silly. He's happy to do it. Okay, we'll be over in a little bit.
[hanging up]
Mitchell Pritchett : Okay.
Cameron Tucker : Oh, I get it. When you told Claire I would come over and watch the kids, she was resistant because she doesn't trust my parenting skills.
Mitchell Pritchett : No. Don't-don't be silly. She just didn't want to put you out.
Cameron Tucker : She's got a daughter behind bars and she's got the nerve to say I'm a bad parent? You didn't defend me.
Mitchell Pritchett : 'Cause she didn't say anything.
Cameron Tucker : Why are you protecting her?
Mitchell Pritchett : Why is no one protecting me?
[seeing the shirt and tie he's laid out]
Mitchell Pritchett , Cameron Tucker : No.
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Cameron Tucker : Been on a little bit of a health kick lately, so I took a vegan cooking class, and my new thing is fakon. It's like real bacon.
Mitchell Pritchett : Except for the look, the texture, and the taste.
Cameron Tucker : Maybe the store-bought kind. But I make my own, so it's not even real fakon. It's faux-fakon. "Faux-kon".
Mitchell Pritchett : It's faux-kon disgusting.
Cameron Tucker : You can't tell the difference.
[flashback]
Cameron Tucker : And guess which one's the real one?
Mitchell Pritchett : That one.
[blindfolded]
Mitchell Pritchett : That one.
[Cam mixes up the plates]
Mitchell Pritchett : Still that one.