- Cameron Tucker: What did we learn from "A League Of Their Own"?
- Claire Dunphy: No crying in baseball.
- Cameron Tucker: No, that Madonna's a lousy actress, and so are you.
- Claire Dunphy: [to Phil over the phone] You know what really kills me? Is you didn't believe in me, and you believe in everything!
- Cameron Tucker: [to Mitchell over the phone] You know, I knew that sweater wasn't stolen. And here I picked blue yarn to match your eyes, but I should have picked black to match your heart. Although you look amazing in black. Damn you.
- Jay Pritchett: [about Gloria's off-key rendition of "Mockingbird"] Papa'd buy ten diamond rings to get that mockingbird to shut the hell up. But I wasn't going to tell Gloria she was a terrible singer. That's just taking a bath with a toaster. Still, the thought of that poor little thing stuck in there like a hostage, listening to that racket days on end... I just couldn't take it.
- Cameron Tucker: Mitchell, do you know what I've realized?
- Mitchell Pritchett: That some thoughts are better left unexpressed?
- Cameron Tucker: No. That in this relationship, I'm the gas pedal and you're the brakes.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Last week, you said that you were the painting and I was the frame.
- Cameron Tucker: That's if we were artwork. This is if we were a car.
- Mitchell Pritchett: I know what part you'd be if we were a horse.
- Manny Delgado: I'm going to march out there and swing as hard as I can. And if every sports movie is correct, I'm going to smack that ball, and everyone will chant my name as I round the bases. By the way, it is always counterclockwise, or do I get to choose?
- Luke Dunphy: I don't think it's gonna matter.
- Cameron Tucker: [surveying a lot for a baseball field] I see home plate up here. I see pitcher's mound in here, and I see little boys' dreams coming true everywhere.
- Luke Dunphy: I found a dead snake!
- Claire Dunphy: It's perfect.
- Luke Dunphy: [running away] Not dead! Not dead!
- Claire Dunphy: I'm gonna be mother of the year.
- [while Gloria is asleep, Jay speaks to the baby through the microphone]
- Jay Pritchett: I hope to God you don't have your mother's singing voice. But, man, I hope you get her self-confidence.
- [Gloria snores loudly]
- Jay Pritchett: Try to get some sleep. I'll talk to you in the morning.
- Claire Dunphy: Haley, hurry up! You don't have much time, and I made chocolate chip pancakes.
- Haley Dunphy: Mom, I'm not 12.
- Phil Dunphy: Dibs on hers.
- Luke Dunphy: Keep your eyes open.
- Manny Delgado: It's not natural when you have a ball hurtling at your face.
- Mitchell Pritchett: It's amazing, I mean, there's that little bump in the middle
- [pointing at the pitcher's mound]
- Mitchell Pritchett: , but other than that...
- Jay Pritchett: Breaker, breaker, Big Jay. Baby, what's your 20? Over.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Ay, that's so cute. You sound like Smoky and the bandito. Go on. Go on.
- Jay Pritchett: Hi, kid. This is your dad, Jay Pritchett. Uh, we're all pretty excited to meet you. Just a heads-up, I might be a few years older than you're expecting. But on the plus side, we're very comfortable.
- [putting his ear to Gloria's stomach]
- Jay Pritchett: What's that? Nothin'? Tough womb. What are you doing in there? You sleepin'?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [singing off-key again] Are you sleeping? Are you...
- Jay Pritchett: [taking the microphone back] Ah, ah, ah. Ah! Still daddy's turn.
- Claire Dunphy: It's such a shame, because I know we would do a great job on that house.
- Phil Dunphy: Totally.
- Claire Dunphy: If Gil Thorpe can do it, I can do it, right?
- Phil Dunphy: Please!
- [cut to testimonial interviews]
- Phil Dunphy: *Please*. Gil Thorpe has decades of experience and infallible instincts. As much as we'd all like to believe otherwise, I did not marry Gil Thorpe. Can you imagine that? God, we'd sell a lot of houses.
- Phil Dunphy: Yeah, I was pretty ticked off that Mitchell double-crossed my double-cross. And then he stopped taking my calls, and so I sent him the following carefully-worded text: "U suck."
- Mitchell Pritchett: I could tell Phil felt pretty hurt and betrayed, so I responded. "How r u gonna cheerlead your way out this one, Buffy?"
- Phil Dunphy: [texting back and forth] We both know this house thing is a disaster.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Then say something, or I will. I don't care if you tell Cam...
- Cameron Tucker: "I threw out that hideous sweater"? I spent months knitting that "hideous" sweater.
- Claire Dunphy: Yeah.
- Cameron Tucker: W... how are we seeing this?
- Claire Dunphy: They're using the group text from yesterday. They have no idea these are even coming to me.
- Cameron Tucker: Okay.
- Claire Dunphy: [getting an alert] Oh. Here's another one. "We need to shut this house thing down without them knowing it's us"? Oh! Well...
- [texting]
- Claire Dunphy: "2 late."
- Phil Dunphy: Uh-oh.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Oh! No, that... that's bad.
- Cameron Tucker: Phil, you think it's a good idea, right?
- Phil Dunphy: Totally.
- Claire Dunphy: Yes. And you know we can handle it, right?
- Phil Dunphy: I think you guys can handle anything.
- Cameron Tucker: Aw.
- Claire Dunphy: Yeah. And you go talk to him. You're a professional. He respects you.
- Phil Dunphy: Okay. Give us some space. I'll go talk him into it.
- Claire Dunphy: All right.
- Phil Dunphy: All right?
- Claire Dunphy, Cameron Tucker: Okay.
- Phil Dunphy: [approaching Mitchell] Listen... there's no way we're letting them do this.
- Mitchell Pritchett: I know, right?
- Phil Dunphy: They are not equipped to take this on. We might as well flush our savings down my boring old toilet.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Oh, you are really bitter about that.
- Phil Dunphy: [gesturing to make it look like he's pleading] It's the one thing I asked for. Don't sit on your sunglasses.
- [quietly to Cam and Claire]
- Phil Dunphy: Sorry guys.
- ["dropping" his keys and getting on his knees]
- Phil Dunphy: Whoops. Just to be clear, though. Under no circumstances are we letting them do this?
- Mitchell Pritchett: I am totally with you.
- Phil Dunphy: Okay, you stay here. I'll go break the bad news.
- Cameron Tucker: Claire and I bring you this great opportunity, and you stop it cold. I guess that's what brakes do.
- Mitchell Pritchett: You know what brakes also do? They keep you from driving off cliffs.
- Cameron Tucker: Maybe they're not cliffs. Maybe they're ramps, ready to launch us into new, exciting vistas.
- Mitchell Pritchett: I am not the only one against this whole house thing. Phil doesn't want it, either.
- Cameron Tucker: You keep saying that, but I find that very, very hard to believe. Phil supports Claire. Phil is a cheerleader. Why can't you be more like Phil?
- Mitchell Pritchett: [in testimonial interviews] And then it hit me. I could be exactly like Phil. I could pretend to be on board, forcing the cheerleader to be the bad guy. I know it's underhanded, but that's the way I throw.
- Jay Pritchett: [reading to the baby] "... leaving 17 dead and thousands without power."
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Ay, Jay, please! It's bad that the baby listens to such terrible things.
- Jay Pritchett: He's heard worse.
- Cameron Tucker: If the four of us go in on this together, we can minimize the risk.
- Claire Dunphy: Mm-hmm.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Or if none of us do it, we can eliminate the risk altogether, because none of you know anything about flipping houses.
- Cameron Tucker: Okay, well, we already have it figured out. I'm gonna be the designer, because I know about colors and shapes.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Yeah, so does Lily.
- Claire Dunphy: I'm gonna be the contractor.
- Mitchell Pritchett: And I'm gonna be the astronaut. Oh, this is fun. Phil, you go.
- Claire Dunphy: Mitchell, I am serious. I have overseen lots of projects in our home. I oversaw the remodel of our bathroom. Under budget. Right, Phil?
- Phil Dunphy: Yeah. I was a little disappointed we didn't go for the butt-washing toilet, but otherwise...
- Claire Dunphy: You can wash your own butt for free.
- Phil Dunphy: Well, that's not the same, is it?
- Cameron Tucker: So, how good's Luke's team, anyway?
- Claire Dunphy: Well, you may have seen them on YouTube under "boy stuck in batting helmet" or "pitcher beans self."
- Claire Dunphy: Luke and Manny's team tied for the final spot in the playoffs, but since nobody was expecting it, all the fields were booked.
- Luke Dunphy: The other team wanted to settle with a coin flip. We said "rock, paper, scissors." That's when talks broke down.
- Claire Dunphy: So what do you do when you can't find a field? You build one.
- Luke Dunphy: And we got the last laugh, 'cause guess what I found there? Rocks, paper, and scissors.
- Phil Dunphy: Honey, you excited about your first day?
- Haley Dunphy: You know what? I really am. There's something about going to work that makes you feel you're... I don't know, worth something. No offense, mom.
- Phil Dunphy: Listen, I wanna give you some advice.
- Claire Dunphy: Do it fast. She's gonna be late.
- Phil Dunphy: Work hard.
- Haley Dunphy: Uh-huh.
- Phil Dunphy: Keep your eye on the ball. Stay focused.
- [picking up his phone as it chirps]
- Phil Dunphy: Never... check it out! Cam in overalls!
- Claire Dunphy: Ohh! Mitchell sent me the same text.
- Phil Dunphy: Why "look what you've done"?
- Claire Dunphy: Oh, because Cam is helping me out with that baseball field, and Mitchell hates it when he gets all farmed up. His turn-offs are farm, Fizbo, and worst of all, Farmbo.
- Haley Dunphy: Well, I gotta go. Don't wanna be late for my first...
- [checking her phone and running out]
- Haley Dunphy: Oh, my god! Why didn't you guys tell me the time?
- Claire Dunphy: Is this your house?
- Mrs. Brooks: I'm moving in with my son.
- Claire Dunphy: Oh.
- Mrs. Brooks: He's rich. Phone by the toilet rich.
- Cameron Tucker: Oh.
- Claire Dunphy: All right, so have you lived here a long time?
- Mrs. Brooks: I moved here in '62 to be an actress. I had one line in a "Rockford Files": "He went out the back."
- Claire Dunphy: What do you think, Phil?
- Phil Dunphy: Well, I have to admit, it's a steal.
- Claire Dunphy: Yes! Yes! I told you! And you said Gil Thorpe makes a killing flipping houses.
- Phil Dunphy: Yeah, he brags about it all the time. Every time he makes a sale, he calls himself "Flipper" and walks around making this dolphin sound. Like...
- [trying to imitate a dolphin's call]
- Phil Dunphy: How does he do it? I hate him so much.
- Luke Dunphy: Will you choke up a little?
- Manny Delgado: Probably when they play the national anthem.
- Luke Dunphy: No, move your hands up the bat.
- [scoffing]
- Luke Dunphy: "When they play the national anthem."
- Manny Delgado: [in testimonial interviews] I had a perfect record: 22 games, and I hadn't played a single inning. Then the McCoy twins' grandma dies, and suddenly I'm starting at right field. What does that even mean? Is it the same as stage right?
- Cameron Tucker: Okay, I'll chalk the field with this bad boy.
- Claire Dunphy: And while you're doing that, I will get the bases.
- Cameron Tucker: We make such a good team.
- Claire Dunphy: Why does your friend have a chalker?
- Cameron Tucker: Oh, he used it to propose to a skywriter.
- Luke Dunphy: All right, ready? Nice and easy.
- [Manny flinches]
- Luke Dunphy: I haven't even thrown it yet.
- Manny Delgado: Then it's your fault. I'm doing my part.
- Luke Dunphy: Forget it. We need to do something different. Let's change your stance. Try leaning in. Further. Now close your eyes.
- Manny Delgado: [getting hit with his pitch] Ow!
- Luke Dunphy: Ah, perfect! You think you can do that every time?
- Manny Delgado: What, get hit on purpose?
- Luke Dunphy: If you wanna get on base and be a hero.
- Phil Dunphy: Sorry, guys. Not gonna happen.
- Cameron Tucker: Yeah, well, maybe if...
- Phil Dunphy: I would drop it. It is not worth the fight. Come on, Claire.
- [ushering her into the car]
- Phil Dunphy: The faster we leave, the less it's gonna hurt. Hop in. Yep.
- Claire Dunphy: Why does it have to be like this?
- Phil Dunphy: I don't know. He's your brother. Buckled up? Good.
- Mitchell Pritchett: [chasing after them as they drive away] Oh, no, no, no! No, no, I see what you're doing! He doesn't want this, either!
- Phil Dunphy: Little radio?
- Claire Dunphy: Sure.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Phil! Claire!
- Claire Dunphy: So, what do you think? Can we turn this into a baseball field?
- Cameron Tucker: Oh, yeah. No problem. You know, back on the farm, I once turned an acre of corn into a snowflake-shaped maze. It'd still be there if our neighbor Billy Bob Sheinberg hadn't seen it from his cropduster and said it looked like a swastika.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Claire, Phil doesn't want the house, either, all right? He's letting me take the fall. He's a liar.
- Phil Dunphy: And a clever one.
- Mitchell Pritchett: [groaning in frustration] Argh! How long do you think you can keep this from her? All right? I'm gonna talk to her eventually.
- Phil Dunphy: Well, as long as we're swapping stories, maybe I'll tell Cam what happened to the sweater he knit for you.
- Mitchell Pritchett: [flashback to six months earlier; while riding in the car with Phil, an itchy sweater is bothering him] I can't. I can't! I can't! I can't do it! I can't take this stupid thing anymore!
- [taking it off and throwing it out the window]
- Mitchell Pritchett: It was stolen out of the car. Do you understand me?
- Phil Dunphy: Got it.
- Mitchell Pritchett: [back in the present] That is low.
- Phil Dunphy: I know. Don't be mad at me. That said, I suggest you lose this number.
- [cut to testimonial interviews]
- Phil Dunphy: I'm not proud of what I did, but I'm not comfortable squashing people's dreams. I am a cheerleader. I'm the guy on top of the pyramid shouting, "Go, dreams, go!" You know what's not a cheer? "Two, four, six, eight, you are going to fail at this and lose everything we've worked for, Claire!"
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: And this is our dining room, where we eat. And this is our kitchen, where we also eat.
- Manny Delgado: Who are you talking to? It looks like you lost your tour.
- Jay Pritchett: Or your mind.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: The baby. Shorty's girlfriend Darlene send it to me. She said it's for prenatal bonding. I love it. We took a tour of the house. We took a look at all my shoes. Come on, Jay, say something to the baby.
- Jay Pritchett: Darlene's an idiot.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Oh, yeah, beautiful. Your first words to our baby: "Darlene is an idiot."
- Jay Pritchett: This is stupid. The baby's only two inches away. He doesn't need speakers blasting at him. Like in restaurants nowadays where you can't even hear yourself think. Ah, you're gonna do whatever you want. Why do I bother?
- Manny Delgado: [to the baby] Get used to that. Sometimes, you just gotta let him go. Then he eats some sherbet and falls asleep.
- Claire Dunphy: You know, over the last couple of months, I've applied for, like, five different jobs.
- Cameron Tucker: I didn't know that.
- Claire Dunphy: No. I didn't tell anyone, because I didn't get them, Cam. I went to college, you know? And... I just wanna be able to contribute to my kids' education. And I wanna be able to buy my husband a present with my own money.
- Cameron Tucker: Hey, you're preaching to the choir director. It's actually why I became a choir director.
- Claire Dunphy: You became a part-time teacher in a public school for money?
- Cameron Tucker: I make more than you do. I mean, before parking. But... look, I'm sorry Mitchell killed our house dream. You know, now especially that I know you wanted to use the money for such noble reasons.
- Claire Dunphy: Yeah. And also... there was this pair of boots.
- Cameron Tucker: There's always a pair of boots.
- Jay Pritchett: Sometimes I don't understand people. They do crazy things for the dumbest reasons. They convince themselves it'll all work out...
- Umpire: Please rise for the national anthem.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I'm gonna show you who can sing.
- Jay Pritchett: Gloria. Oh, this is gonna be rough.
- [narrating]
- Jay Pritchett: Despite all the evidence to the contrary.
- Claire Dunphy: Wow. This... this is incredible. You literally saw a diamond in the rough.
- Phil Dunphy: Yeah, but I take on a lot of projects no one else is willing to.
- Phil Dunphy: I deserve that.
- Claire Dunphy: Mm-hmm.
- Phil Dunphy: I was an idiot for doubting you. Please, honey, forgive me.
- Claire Dunphy: How could I not, when you give me this bouquet of crumpled flowers?
- Phil Dunphy: Mitchell did that!
- Claire Dunphy: Mitchell again?
- Phil Dunphy: Ask Lily!
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Baby, it's your mother again. I'm...
- Jay Pritchett: Gloria? Why don't we give him a break? He probably needs a minute because he just learned about a deadly tornado.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Okay, stop calling him a "he". What if he's a she and you're making her upset?
- Claire Dunphy: I want us to get that house. I do. But I don't want us to fight.
- Cameron Tucker: We're not gonna fight.
- Phil Dunphy: Of course not. Probably. I don't know. Will we?
- Claire Dunphy: Maybe we just take a beat and think about t.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Yeah. I-I guess that couldn't hurt.
- Claire Dunphy, Cameron Tucker: Yeah.
- Phil Dunphy: Yeah. You guys mean the world to us. I don't want to jeopardize that over a house.
- Manny Delgado: [listening to Jay and Gloria argue] What are you doing? Do you really want your unborn baby to hear you fighting like this? Studies show it's unhealthy for a fetus to be exposed to a stressful environment.
- Jay Pritchett: Studies? You're 13. Read a comic book. What times does your game start?
- Manny Delgado: I have to be there at 3:00 for hitting practice.
- Jay Pritchett: *Batting* practice.
- Manny Delgado: Not for me.
- Manny Delgado: Jay, do you know a good one-hour dry cleaner? And I don't mean the "must be in by 10:00, only on weekdays, and you need a coupon" kind. I mean a hard one-hour.
- Jay Pritchett: This conversation feels like a hard one hour. And what do you need it cleaned for? It's spotless.
- Manny Delgado: There's mustard here from Reuben's reuben. That's what happens when you put a narcissist in charge of snack day.
- Phil Dunphy: I think we should go for it. I think we should go for the house.
- Cameron Tucker: Really?
- Claire Dunphy: Okay, but careful, honey. Don't say something if you don't mean it.
- Phil Dunphy: No, I do mean it. I think you two will do a fantastic job.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Yeah, I do, too. I'm on board.
- Jay Pritchett: On board for what?
- Cameron Tucker: Oh, well, the four of us, uh, might go in on a house. Claire and I fix it up and flip it.
- Jay Pritchett: That's the worst idea I ever heard.
- Cameron Tucker: Okay.
- Jay Pritchett: You guys know nothing about construction. You'll make all sorts of mistakes, you'll turn on each other, you'll stop talking, and suddenly I'm doing two dinners a week instead of one because you can't be in the same room. Family and business doesn't mix. Ah, you're gonna do whatever you want. Why do I bother?
- Phil Dunphy: Even if one of those boys had hit five home runs, the biggest star on that field was Claire. That's the funny thing about marriage. You fall in love with this... extraordinary person, and over time, they begin to seem ordinary. I think it's all the nagging.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Cam, I'm sorry for not supporting you.
- Cameron Tucker: What about the sweater?
- Mitchell Pritchett: That's unforgivable. I mean, you put all that time and work into it, and I just toss it out the car window.
- Cameron Tucker: Tossed it out the car window?
- Mitchell Pritchett: I'm forgetting how much you knew.
- Phil Dunphy: Oh, hello, Mitch.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Uh, you got Claire flowers?
- Phil Dunphy: Yes. I had a little bit of a rough night.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Yeah, you and me both.
- Lily Tucker-Pritchett: Daddy slept in my room last night.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Here, give me some of those.
- Phil Dunphy: What? No.
- Mitchell Pritchett: [fighting over the bouquet] You got me into this.
- Phil Dunphy: Hey, stop! You're breaking them!
- Mitchell Pritchett: I need.. I'm not going to Cam empty-handed!
- Phil Dunphy: It's Mrs. Brooks, the lady with the house. Actually, it's good that you called. What?
- Claire Dunphy: What happened?
- Phil Dunphy: Gil Thorpe just made her an offer.
- [cut to testimonial interviews]
- Phil Dunphy: We did it!
- Claire Dunphy: We bought a house.
- Cameron Tucker: It's gonna be great!
- Mitchell Pritchett: What could go wrong? Nothing.
- Phil Dunphy: Two outs, bottom of the sixth. Tied at 4. This is it, folks. The whole game comes down to this. Manny Delgado, 0 for 3 on the day. Gloria, your thoughts?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I think he's going to hit the home run.
- Jay Pritchett: Please, God, give me one.
- Jay Pritchett: Gloria, stop it. No more singing.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Why?
- Jay Pritchett: Because you stink. You're a terrible singer. Come on. Let's get some lunch.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: How dare do you say that I am...
- Jay Pritchett: Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! No, no, no. No fighting in front of the baby. We just made a deal.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Yeah, but that's not fair because I am always in front of the baby!
- Jay Pritchett: Gloria, you're as close to perfect as a woman gets. Nothing wrong with one tiny, little flaw. Yours is when you start to sing, it sounds like something got stuck in the vacuum cleaner.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: That's... you're just...
- Jay Pritchett: Ah, ah, ah! No, no, no.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [restraining her anger] That is just your... stupid, stupid opinion, Jay. But I am very angry at you, and I am gonna make a list of all the things that I am going to scream at you as soon as this baby's out of me.
- Jay Pritchett: [in testimonial interviews] I didn't think it all the way through.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Manny, stand up straight!
- Jay Pritchett: But bend your knees.
- Claire Dunphy: Widen your stance!
- Manny Delgado: Would you please let me just...
- Phil Dunphy: [Manny is hit by the pitch] Ooh!
- Umpire: Take your base!
- Luke Dunphy: You did it!
- Manny Delgado: I did it?
- Luke Dunphy: Run, Manny!
- Manny Delgado: [running towards third] Yeah!
- Jay Pritchett: No, no, no, no! Not that way! Go this way! Oh, why do I bother? He's gonna do what he wants.