Seth MacFarlane: Albert
Photos
Quotes
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Louise : You're not even a good sheep farmer, Albert. Your sheep are everywhere. The one thing a sheep farmer has to do is keep all of the sheep in one place, all right? I went to your farm the other day, and I saw one in the back yard, three way up on the ridge, two in the pond and one on the roof.
Albert : Okay, that's Bridget, all right? She has a problem with retardation, but she's full of love.
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Albert : [Being offered a pot cookie by Anna] The last time somebody gave me one of these, I became convinced that prairie dogs could read my mind.
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Prairie Dog : Squeak!
Albert : [Cowering] It knows!
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Anna : I don't think you should leave tomorrow. At least stay through the weekend. Isn't the fair on Saturday?
Albert : Oh, fuck that. I'm not going to the stupid fair. Louise is gonna be there, and she's gonna be with Foy. I don't wanna put myself through that kind of fucking aggravation.
Anna : Yeah, well, I'll go with you. No better way to make your ex-girlfriend want you back more than to let her see you with another girl.
Albert : I don't know...
Anna : Especially a smoking hot girl. When she sees me, she'll be intimidated as fuck.
Albert : Oh, you're very modest, I see.
Anna : I'm a little cocky. But I got great tits.
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[Albert notices a glow from inside a building and peeks inside]
Albert : Hello?
[It is Doc Brown from "Back to the Future" working on the DeLorean, which is under a tarp; Doc notices Albert and covers up the car]
Albert : What, uh... what's that?
Doc Brown : Nothing.
[stammers]
Doc Brown : It's a weather experiment.
Albert : Oh.
[closes the door]
Doc Brown : Great Scott!
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Albert : You know, there are a million ways to die in the west, Clinch. There's, uh, famine, disease, gunfights... And, uh, wild animals. You know, like snakes. And, you know, the funny thing is, you don't even have to get bitten. All you need is a little bit of the venom introduced into your bloodstream and you're pretty much screwed. For example, if you drain a certain amount of venom from the fangs of a diamondback rattler into a hollow-tip bullet, you really only need one shot. Now, I knew my aim wasn't good enough to hit you anywhere important. But if I caught you by surprise... Well, Anna taught me just enough to get me in the ballpark. And just a small amount of venom in an open wound is enough to kill a man if he's...
Ruth : Albert! He's dead. You did it.
Albert : Oh.
Ruth : Yeah.
Albert : Did he hear all that smart stuff I did?
Edward : Uh... No. No, I don't think so.
Albert : Oh. Well, it was still good though.
Edward : Yeah, it was great!
Ruth : I thought it was really good.
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Albert : [Before drinking from the bowl with the indian tribe] "Mila Kunis" - subtitled as "Fine"
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Albert : I'm not the hero. I'm the guy in the crowd making fun of the hero's shirt; that's who I am.
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Albert : You know what else can kill you? Doctors!
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Albert : My worst fear is to OD on a recreational drug.
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Chinese Date : My father is a railroad worker, like every other Chinaman.
Albert : Oh. Does he like his job?
Chinese Date : How should I know? I never see him. Do you know what kind of hours he has to work?
Albert : All the live long day?
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Edward : Man, I see kids everywhere with those stick hoops lately.
Albert : I know. Me too. It's got to be bad for their brains, right?
Edward : Yeah. It stunts their attention span. I read an article in the paper.
Albert : Yeah, I saw that. It's like they lose the power to innovate because they're staring at the stick hoop all day.
Edward : Yep.
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Albert : Hey, sorry I killed your husband.
Anna : Oh God, that was never gonna work out anyway. He was Methodist, I'm half Jewish.
Albert : Yeah... Are you? You are?
Anna : No.
Albert : Oh, thank God.
Anna : You're not really Arabic, are you?
Albert : No, no, no, no.
Anna : Oh, thank God, 'cause I was like,
[mimics gun to her head]
Anna : Ah, kill me.
Albert : I know, right?
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Albert : That is our Mayor, he is dead. He has been lying there dead for three days, no one has done a thing. Not moved him, not looked into his death, not even replaced him with a temporary appointee. For the last three days, the highest ranking official in our town, has been a dead guy.
[Two wolves drag dead body away]
Albert : Oh, look at that, look at that. Wolves are dragging the body away, as to illustrate my point. Bye! Bye, Mr. Mayor. Bye, have fun becoming wolve's shit, Bye. God!
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Albert : You're going home every night to your girlfriend who loves you, you're having sex with her...
Edward : Uh, no. Ruth and I have... we've never done that.
Albert : What do you mean you never... you never had sex with Ruth?
Edward : Yeah, n-no. Yeah.
Albert : Wait, doesn't she have sex with like ten guys every day at the whorehouse?
Edward : On a slow day, yeah.
Albert : But you guys have never had sex?
Edward : No. No, Ruth wants to wait till we get married. You know, she's a Christian and so am I and we wanna save ourselves for our wedding night.
Albert : Edward, have you... have you ever had sex with anyone?
Edward : Well, there was some stuff with my uncle but that was, you know, it's really hard to remember all that stuff.
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Albert : Why are you laughing?
Cowboy at Fair : I don't know. Because he was laughing.
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[Albert meets Anna at the dance; she is wearing a pretty blue dress with an enormous bustle in back]
Anna : Hey.
Albert : Wow. You look amazing. And a little uncomfortable.
Anna : Oh, shit. I'm totally overdressed, aren't I?
Albert : No.
Anna : I've never done formal before. And the lady at the boutique told me to buy this and no one else is wearing this.
Albert : Who cares what... These are all fuckers. You look fantastic.
Anna : I look like Jane Austen threw up on me.
Albert : You do not look like Jane Austen threw... No, you look absolutely beautiful. You can breathe in that thing, right?
Anna : There's nothing I like more than putting on some loose, baggy clothes and just being able to relax.
Albert : Yeah, this is an end-of-the-workday outfit you have on. I'm very glad I remembered the six items I somehow require to hold up my pants.
Anna : Oh, yeah.
Albert : I like your bustle, by the way.
Anna : Oh, yeah. I really love that the most alluring fashion statement a woman can make today is to simulate a fat ass.
[She lifts up part of her dress to show Albert the iron cage underneath]
Albert : That is a simulation of a fat ass, right there. Thank you. If I were a black guy, this is the meanest trick you could ever play on me. Because I'd be like, "Oh, my God! Look! There's a fat ass. My favorite." And I'd lift it up and I'd be like, "Oh, shit, it's a big joke."
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Albert : Right, let's go and get fucked up.
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Edward : Albert, I know everything seems hopeless right now, but I promise you, there's so much to live for.
Albert : Really? Is there? What is there to live for on the frontier in 1882? Huh? Look, let me tell you something. We live in a terrible place and time. The American West is a disgusting, awful, dirty, dangerous place. Look around you. Everything out here that's not you wants to kill you. Outlaws, angry drunk people, scorned hookers, hungry animals, diseases, major and minor injuries, Indians, the weather. You can get killed just going to the bathroom. I take my life in my hands every time I walk out to my outhouse. There's fucking rattlesnakes all in the grass out there. And even if I make it, you know what can kill me? Cholera. You know cholera?
Edward : [fearfully] The Black Shit.
Albert : The Black Shit. The latest offering in the frontier's disease-of-the-month club. And even if you survive all those things, you know what else can kill you? The fucking doctor. The doctor can kill you. I had a cold a couple of years ago. I went in there. You know what he said to me? He goes, "Oh, you need an ear nail." A nail in my fucking ear! That is modern medicine for you. "Yeah, Doc, I have a fever of 102." "Oh, you need a donkey kickin'." You know our pastor has shot two people? Our pastor. Honest to God. Shot a guy in a duel and then went back and killed the guy's teenage son because he was afraid he would kill him out of revenge.
Edward : Wait, how do you know that?
Albert : Because he did a whole fucking sermon about it! A lesson about seeing things through.
[Albert gestures to a group of old miners at a table nearby]
Albert : By the way, look at this. See those guys over there? The guys who work in the silver mines? See what they're eating? Ribs doused in hot sauce! They eat hot, spicy foods every meal of the day. Do you know why? Because their palates are so completely fucking dulled from inhaling poison gas 12 hours a day down in the mines. That's all they can taste. You know what that kind of diet does to your guts? Constipation, cramps, dyspepsia, liver disease, kidney disease, hemorrhoids, bowel inflammation. They literally die from their own farts.
[One of the miners gets up from the table, farts loudly, and then collapses dead on the floor]
Albert : And, oh, oh, you wanna see more death? All we gotta do is get up and walk out the front door.
[Albert leads Edward and Ruth outside the saloon. Out in an alley, there is a dead body lying on the ground]
Albert : *That* is our mayor. He is *dead*. He has been lying there, dead, for three days. No one has done a thing. Not moved him, not looked into his death, not even replaced him with a temporary appointee. For the last three days, the highest-ranking official in our town has been a dead guy. Oh! Look at that! Look at that!
[as Albert has been talking...]
Albert : Wolves are dragging the body away as if to illustrate my point! Bye! Bye, Mr. Mayor! Have fun becoming wolf shit! Bye! God!
[Albert, Edward and Ruth return inside in the saloon to their table]
Albert : That, my friends, is the American West. A disgusting, awful, dirty cesspool of despair and fuck all of it.
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[Albert has a flashback to his high school graduation]
Teacher : Class, please welcome our graduation speaker, President Abraham Lincoln.
[the class applauds as a very strange-looking Abraham Lincoln appears on stage]
Abraham Lincoln : HIYA, SCHMUCKS! Four score and seven years ago, I was poor just like you! But now I'm the President and I'm so fucking rich! I can have all the licorice I want!
Albert : [to Edward] I don't think that's the real President Lincoln.
