- Barney Stinson: [Barney is angry that Ted slept with his half-sister] That's my sister, Ted!
- Ted Mosby: I didn't know! None of us even knew you had a sister until two years ago, including you. It's all a crazy coincidence.
- Barney Stinson: There are four million women in the city of New York and you had to sleep with my sister. Why would the universe do that to me?
- Ted Mosby: [Sarcastic] I don't know. It's not like you've treated women in such a way that wouldn't invite karmic retribution.
- Barney Stinson: You banged my sister, my sweet, little, innocent...
- Ted Mosby: Pierced.
- Barney Stinson: Really, where?
- [gets on]
- Barney Stinson: Don't answer that! Now I know why I felt what you did to her last night. It wasn't a Bro-nection - it was a Sis-nection. Oh my God, Ted did you...
- [whispers in Ted's ear]
- Ted Mosby: Big-time.
- Barney Stinson: Nice, high-five
- [high-fives Ted, but...]
- Barney Stinson: No, NO! Retraction Five!
- [high-fives Ted again and reverses words]
- Ted Mosby: Hey, hey you're the one who begged for a proxy bang - and while we're on the subject of family, I'm pretty sure you banged my mom! Mom beats sister.
- Barney Stinson: I never banged your mom!
- [winks]
- Ted Mosby: You just did that winking again!
- Barney Stinson: No I didn't.
- [winks again]
- Ted Mosby: Okay fine. Barney were you a little sore this morning, especially...
- [whispers in Barney's ear]
- Barney Stinson: [Aghast] Friendship OVER!
- [marches out of bar]
- Robin Scherbatsky: [Robin laments to Lily and Marshall not being able to get any freebies because of her being engaged] You know what, I love Barney, but this ring thing sucks. This gross guy, brushed against my rack, and then apologized - and I think he really really meant it.
- Lily Aldrin: Sweetie, I know it's nice to be groped by strangers, but nothing beats the rush you get when that one special person looks at you.
- Marshall Eriksen: It's true. Like here in this bar, there's only one thing that I see.
- [looks at Lily]
- Marshall Eriksen: I see her brightly, and more clearly than anything else in this world. You know what that is? That's love... and possibly alcohol mixed with some very powerful antibiotics.
- Lily Aldrin: And that's how Barney sees you - and I know that's how you see Barney.
- Barney Stinson: My body is detoxing after years of one night stands. They don't make gum or a patch for this Ted, but hey, billion dollar idea alert.
- Barney Stinson: Ted, I'm desperate. Earlier today, I saw that wrist cuff, and I got a partial for Marshall. Did you bang that girl yet?
- Ted Mosby: Don't get your hopes, or anything else up. I tried to connect with her, but everything just comes back to her weird fetish about how old I am.
- Barney Stinson: Well, just go simple. Does she like TV?
- Carly: [Flashback] No... but I'll watch 60 Minutes with you as loud and as long as you want.
- Barney Stinson: Sports?
- Carly: [Flashback] No... But I bet you look super hot playing Shuffleboard just slathered in Bengay.
- Barney Stinson: Does she like books?
- Carly: [Flashback] No... But I bet you do. I bet you have a big... thick... pair of bifocals.
- Ted Mosby: She doesn't have daddy issues. She has grandaddy issues. I'm ending it.
- Barney Stinson: Ted, I beg of you, don't quit on a body that won't quit. Ooh, ooh, that'll go sweet on a bumper sticker. That's going in the journal.
- Ted Mosby: Did you steal my dream journal?
- Barney Stinson: No, now get back in there before all your teeth fall out and you're naked in front of Shaker Heights High School in a play you never rehearsed for!
- Ted Mosby: Bastard! We don't connect on a single thing! I'm ending it!
- Lily Aldrin: Oh, my God, Ted! Your wrist.
- Ted Mosby: [looking at his wrist without the leather cuff] Oh, yeah, I guess it's a little swollen, I must've strained it by lifting.
- Barney Stinson: I believe our dear friend Lily was referring to your other wrist. The one wearing the male birth control.
- Robin Scherbatsky: I was gonna go with chastity bracelet.
- Barney Stinson: God, is it possible to love you more?
- [Barney and Robin kiss]
- Ted Mosby: Really? I just saved someone's life, and you guys are focusing on this?
- Marshall Eriksen: Yeah, you know what, guys, leave him alone. He is a hero.
- Ted Mosby: Thank you!
- Marshall Eriksen: [pauses] You think your super strength came from wearing Wonder Woman's magic wrist cuff?