- Victoria Chase: You fake porned him?
- Melanie Moretti: I fake porned him.
- Joy Scroggs: Why?
- Melanie Moretti: I-I panicked. Emmet said men like enthusiasm, so I went a little overboard. I mean, I was like someone reviewing their own business on Yelp.
- Victoria Chase: You set the sex bar way too high.
- Melanie Moretti: I know! And now he's going to expect fake porn Melanie every time; I'm going to be so busy putting on a show that I won't be able to relax and enjoy it.
- Joy Scroggs: And you can't go back; it's like tipping. Once you go thirty percent you can't go back to twenty. You have to fake your own death and find a new manicurist.
- [first lines]
- Joy Scroggs: Say 'Nana'. Say 'Nana', Wilbur, 'Nana'.
- Elka Ostrovsky: It's official. Men of *all* ages ignore you.
- Joy Scroggs: Look, some of the other babies in Wilbur's play group have already started talking. Actually, I was getting a little embarrassed so I knocked a few months off his age.
- Mamie-Sue Johnson: You lied about a baby's age?
- Victoria Chase: Ah, I wish my mother had done that for me. But, no... I'm a self-made thirty-something.
- Melanie Moretti: How do I look?
- Elka Ostrovsky: You're giving off a Joy vibe.
- Melanie Moretti: Oh no, I don't want to look that slutty.
- Melanie Moretti: Anyway, I want to look a little slutty. Tonight's the big night with Alec. And it has to be perfect. *I* have to be perfect. So I spent all day getting prepped, and tweezed, and waxed. My whole body's as smooth as a porpoise.
- [Emmet has entered]
- Melanie Moretti: Oh, hi. Emmet. I didn't know you were here.
- Emmet: No need for embarrassment. Go on, you were saying: you're as smooth as a porpoise.
- Melanie Moretti: Men like that, right?
- Emmet: Well, it all depends. Sometimes you like the tightly mown lawn of an English country garden, and sometimes you like the steamy jungle of the Amazon rain forest.
- Melanie Moretti: Oh no! What if Alec's an Amazon guy, and I destroyed the rain forest?
- Emmet: Men are not nearly as judgmental as you think. We care more about response, and enthusiasm. If you like the show, let us know.
- Elka Ostrovsky: Especially if you want an encore.
- [last lines]
- Joy Scroggs: Wilbur, Nana's home. Were you a good boy for Elka and Mamie-Sue?
- Mamie-Sue Johnson: Oh, yes; we read Baby Shakespeare, listened to Baby Beethoven. I think both of them did better work as adults.
- Joy Scroggs: Wilbur, darling, say 'Nana'. Na-na.
- Baby Wilbur: Nana.
- Joy Scroggs: Did you hear that? Wilbur just said his first word. And it was Nana.
- Mamie-Sue Johnson: Well, actually his first word wa...
- Elka Ostrovsky: Zip it.
- Victoria Chase: I'm on a film mission. Now, have him do a second take.
- Joy Scroggs: Wilbur, say it again. Say 'Nana'.
- Baby Wilbur: TV.
- Melanie Moretti: Did he just say 'TV'?
- Elka Ostrovsky: I heard 'Nana'.
- Baby Wilbur: TV.
- Elka Ostrovsky: That's from Baby Shakespeare. TV or not TV.
- Joy Scroggs: Owen and I made it very clear: no TV, no processed sugar, watch your language.
- Baby Wilbur: Crap!
- Elka Ostrovsky: That is us watching our language.
- Joy Scroggs: That's it; you two are off the baby-sitting list. You are never watching Wilbur again.
- Baby Wilbur: Bitch!
- Elka Ostrovsky: I got nothing.
- Alec: [in their office] You faked it with me? Both times? Lock the door!
- Melanie Moretti: Wait! Here, now?
- Alec: Well, we can't go to my place; the workmen are still repairing the hole you kicked in the wall.