- [first lines]
- Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, your food's getting cold.
- Sheldon Cooper: I'll eat later. Right now I'm suckling at the informative bosom of Mother Physics.
- Penny: Hot when Sheldon talks dirty.
- Sheldon Cooper: I read his research, and... it's leaps and bounds ahead of mine. Which means the mommy of the smartest physicist at the university is not my mommy as I had thought. It's his mommy!
- [starts crying]
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. May I offer you a consoling hug?
- Sheldon Cooper: What do we have to lose?
- [Amy hugs him tightly]
- Amy Farrah Fowler: How's that?
- Sheldon Cooper: I feel like I'm being strangled by a boa constrictor.
- [Amy lets go]
- Sheldon Cooper: Why'd you stop?
- [Amy hugs him again]
- Raj Koothrappali: [Opening the package with his and Howard's action figures] Say hello to an exact scale model of me.
- [Raj's figure looks like a black man]
- Raj Koothrappali: Ohhh, I'm not dark chocolate! I'm melt-in-your-mouth caramel!
- Howard Wolowitz: [Howard's action figure has a huge nose] Oh, man! Look at my nose!
- Leonard Hofstadter: Maybe it's a shipping problem.
- Howard Wolowitz: What?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah. Maybe Wesley Snipes and Toucan Sam just got action figures that look like you guys.
- Sheldon Cooper: [to Penny] Do you have any idea what it's like to be paired with someone who is so incredibly annoying?
- Leonard Hofstadter: [raises hand] Oh, teacher, me! Me!
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, no!
- [Star Wars' Darth Vader theme is playing]
- Penny: What is that?
- Leonard Hofstadter: That is Sheldon's "I'm unhappy and about to destroy the planet" music. Hey, let's just go to your place.
- Penny: Well, wait, if he's unhappy shouldn't we talk to him?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Shouldn't we talk to him? Have you learned nothing in six years?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: The monkey in my tobacco study has taken to smoking a pipe. I'm supposed to remove his brain to examine, but it's hard because now he reminds me of my uncle.
- Penny: Sheldon, could I ask you a question?
- Sheldon Cooper: Of course.
- Leonard Hofstadter: You ever gonna sleep with Amy?
- Sheldon Cooper: That's awfully personal.
- Leonard Hofstadter: We don't ask Sheldon things like that.
- Penny: Maybe you don't, I do. What's the deal?
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, word around the university is I'm giving her sex organs a proper jostling.
- Penny: All right, come on. Be serious. Look, you guys have been going out a long time. She would clearly like to have a physical relationship with you, so what are you doing?
- Leonard Hofstadter: All right, we're down the rabbit hole. What are you doing?
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, first of all, I'm quite fond of Amy.
- Penny: So, what's the problem?
- Sheldon Cooper: Penny, all my life, I have been uncomfortable with the sort of physical contact that comes easily to others-handshaking, hugging, prostate exams. But I'm working on it, you know? Just recently, I had to put VapoRub on Amy's chest. A year ago, that would've been unthinkable.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Now you know how I feel when I have to put it on you.
- Penny: Okay, hang on. Are you saying someday you and Amy might... actually get physical?
- Sheldon Cooper: [a long pause] It's a possibility.
- Penny: [silently, grabbing Leonard's shoulder] Oh, my God!
- [Out loud]
- Penny: Sheldon, I know this wasn't easy for you, and I'm really glad we could have this conversation.
- Sheldon Cooper: Hey.
- [Penny starts to punch and slap Leonard in excitement]
- Barry Kripke: I have some bad news. You're working on a grant proposal for a new fusion weactor. I'm working on a gwant pwoposal for a new fusion weactor. The university is only awowed to submit one proposal.
- Sheldon Cooper: So they asked you to pack up your things and ship out; that's hard cheese, Barry. You were one of the good ones.
- Barry Kripke: No, they're making us work together.
- Sheldon Cooper: That's ridiculous! I have one of the great minds or our generation. I work on a level so rarefied you couldn't even imagine it. I said stop looking at my cool train!
- Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon Lee Cooper, I do not have time for this nonsense! Now go put your clothes on, get in the car and let's go to work!
- Sheldon Cooper: All right, geez! What a grouch.
- Leonard Hofstadter: How did I do that? I gotta remember how I did that.
- Sheldon Cooper: How do I know you're not going to take my ideas and publish them as your own?
- Barry Kripke: How do I know you're not going to do that with mine?
- Sheldon Cooper: Because I'm not interested in getting published in Mad Magazine.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Howie, we can't afford to waste money on junk like this.
- Howard Wolowitz: What are you talking about? We make plenty of money.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: *I* make plenty of money! You make peanuts!
- Howard Wolowitz: Yes, but we're married now. That means when you get sick, I take care of you. And when you make a bunch of money, I get to buy stuff. Sorry if you don't like it, but that's how love works.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: No, here's how love works. You're going to return the machine, or you can print out a working set of lady parts and sleep with those.
- [seeing his look of contemplation]
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, my god! Are you actually thinking about it?
- [last lines]
- Barry Kripke: Yeah, yeah. Was she naked or was she wearing wangeway?
- Sheldon Cooper: I didn't notice.
- Barry Kripke: How could you not notice?
- Sheldon Cooper: I was too busy squishing all the desirable parts of her body.
- Barry Kripke: Ahh, you're killing me, Cooper!
- Sheldon Cooper: Can we get back to work?
- Barry Kripke: Sure, sure.
- [pause]
- Barry Kripke: You guys ever use any toys?
- Sheldon Cooper: Toys? I live with a model rocket next to my bed.
- Barry Kripke: A wocket? You're a fweak! I wuv it.
- Penny: I hate it when you make me sit through all the credits.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Well, sometimes there's a secret ending, like in The Avengers.
- Penny: Leonard, I don't think that's going to happen in a documentary about the Holocaust.
- Leonard Hofstadter: They could show bloopers.
- Penny: Want me to make you some tea?
- Sheldon Cooper: Tea is for when I'm upset; I'm not upset. The university is forcing me to work with Kripke. I'm outraged.
- Leonard Hofstadter: So, cocoa?
- Sheldon Cooper: Yes, cocoa!
- Howard Wolowitz: What do you think, Sheldon? Want an action figure that looks just like you?
- Sheldon Cooper: Would it come with kung-fu grip?
- Howard Wolowitz: No.
- Sheldon Cooper: Don't waste my time.
- Leonard Hofstadter: [Howard and Raj are disappointed about how their action figures turned out] Hmm, and my girlfriend wouldn't let me get one. Look at my face. Do I look smug? I feel smug.
- Howard Wolowitz: Oh, good. You're home. Got a little surprise for you.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: What?
- Howard Wolowitz: [showing her an action figure of himself] Say hello to my little friend.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, my god. That's so cute. I didn't think there could be a smaller version of you.
- Howard Wolowitz: I know, right? And thanks to photographs and a little 3D modeling...
- [he shows her a figurine of herself]
- Howard Wolowitz: ...here comes the bride.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, Howie, I love these.
- Howard Wolowitz: I thought you might.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Were they expensive?
- Howard Wolowitz: Didn't cost a thing. I made them myself.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: How?
- Howard Wolowitz: Koothrappali and I bought a used 3D printer for $5,000.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: $5,000 for a couple of dolls? Are you out of your mind?
- Sheldon Cooper: If Kripke asks, tell him my coitus with Amy is frequent, intense, and whimsically inventive.
- Leonard Hofstadter: [to Penny] Is my coitus whimsically inventive?
- Penny: That is what I write on the bathroom walls. For a whimsically inventive time, call Leonard Hofstadter.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I know you're joking, but I'd be okay with that.
- Sheldon Cooper: Don't look at my board!
- [Flips board over; the other side has a drawing of a train]
- Barry Kripke: What's that?
- Sheldon Cooper: That's a drawing of a really cool train. You don't look at that either!
- Raj Koothrappali: Now I can look like Val Kilmer as Batman, instead of Val Kilmer as he looks today.
- Barry Kripke: Don't pway dumb with me. We both know what your probwem is
- Sheldon Cooper: We do?
- Barry Kripke: You have a girlfwiend.
- Sheldon Cooper: So?
- Barry Kripke: So my work would suffer too if I was getting waid all the time.
- Howard Wolowitz: Can you please make that out to Bernadette? I was taken off the joint account until I learn the value of money.