The Cinema Snob (TV Series)

Return to Sleepaway Camp (2013)

Brad Jones: Cinema Snob

Quotes 

• Petey : T.C. was picking on Alan again.

  Cinema Snob : Because Alan's an asshole!

• Cinema Snob : Weed? His name is Weed? Well I was fucking close. I can't wait to see the camp slut, who's probably named Whore.

• Ronnie : What's goin' on here? What happened to him?

  Petey : What do you think happened? When are you gonna do something about this?

  Cinema Snob : Okay, none of this works! In the original film, Angela was bullied, she was picked on, yes, and there was even a scene like this when she was thrown into the water. But Angela was *likable*. Angela had a sweet sort of innocence to her which made it more shocking when something dark would happen with her character. Alan... is *none* of those things. Alan is a bully who just happens to also be getting bullied. When the people in the story feel sorry for him, it makes no goddamn sense!

• Alan : Everybody keeps picking on me 'cause I'm different.

  Cinema Snob : No, they're picking on you because you're a fucking asshole.

• Cinema Snob : Are you upset that your friend Weed died or are you upset that he's the one who had all the weed?

• Alan : You all suck! I hope you die!

  Cinema Snob : Funny, I was thinking the same thing about you.

• Alan : [to a group of frogs]  You're my friends. You don't care if I was sick once. They like me anyway.

  Cinema Snob : No, they don't like you. In fact, they're probably praying that they were in a Ruggero Deodato film.

• Cinema Snob : That was about as tense as a bowl of shredded wheat.

• Cinema Snob : Fucking Alan isn't even pleasing to the eye. He looks like a paint can that was shook up too much by a lousy painter, who then fucked it. Add one giant crooked tooth down the middle of his face, and we've got the words "bitter virgin" in human form. If that wasn't awkward enough, they actually make him flirt with someone.

• Cinema Snob : For some reason that leads to Alan's new nickname

  ["Blow Job"] 

  Cinema Snob : That name doesn't even make sense. His initials aren't B.J.

  [pause] 

  Cinema Snob : Oh.

• Cinema Snob : When young Gacy asks you to his secret hiding place, you say no. There are plenty of nice people out there with crawlspaces.

• Cinema Snob : Okay, now I want these fucking guys to die too. One, they skinned frogs. And two, they actually made me feel sorry for Alan. Why the fuck would you do that to your audience?

• Cinema Snob : I hope your herpes get herpes.

• Frank : [to Alan]  When I'm through with you, they're gonna throw your ass outta this camp so fast, you won't even know what hit you.

  Cinema Snob : You know, that's an interesting point. Why doesn't he fucking get sent home? In reality, this fucking prick would have been sent home after the first week of summer.

• Frank : Listen, I've been in this business a long time, and believe me, I've seen much worse tantrums than that.

  Cinema Snob : Yeah, but the difference being we didn't have to see a movie about that.

• Cinema Snob : Well, it's Precinct 13 if the Cholo just decided to call the grieving father a 'blow job', and if it all ended in a tantrum and not a shoot out.

• Cinema Snob : I feel bad that these campers now have to resort to porn. Back in the '80s, campers were banging all over the place. But some things never change, people are still trying to kill them.

• Cinema Snob : It's like getting mad at the series finale of a show I didn't even like. Sure, it's over, but why did David the Gnome have to turn into a fucking tree? That's fucking depressing.

• Cinema Snob : "Isaac Hayes as the Chef"? Ooh, sweet reference that has nothing to do with Sleepaway Camp!

• Cinema Snob : Now it's time to tie up one of the other counselors and Giovanni Lombardo Radice the hell out of his dick.

• Cinema Snob : Alan is the camp delinquint and it goes back and forth from him being a bully to him being the one who is bullied without any fucking consistency whatsoever.So all we are left with is an unlikeable lead character who we do not feel sorry for when he is bullied. And when I say unlikeable, that is the biggest understatement I have ever uttered on this entire show. Alan is arguably the worst lead character in any horror film ever made. I am not kidding when I say Alan is the most unlikeable lead since Triumph of the Will.

• Cinema Snob : It isn't until I see Ronnie's shirt here that I realize that the name of the camp is "Camp Man-Abe." Okay.

• Cinema Snob : Weed and his lackey here wrap cow shit up in a joint and then talk Alan into smoking it.

  [Alan has a bad reaction] 

  Cinema Snob : I'm having a hard time believing that there's cow shit in there.

• Petey : These hooligans were making fun of Alan again.

  Cinema Snob : Who are you and why do you care?

• Ronnie : I got a bad feeling about this, Frank.

  Cinema Snob : Yeah, I thought the same thing the first time Alan opened his big, fucking mouth.

• Female Lifeguard : [to Alan]  I need you off my dock without a bathing suit.

  Cinema Snob : [scoffs]  The chicks don't have on bathing suits on either. I can't believe no one has given him a wedgie yet.

  [the guys give Alan an atomic wedgie] 

  Cinema Snob : Well that solves that.

  [Alan's undies rip and he falls in the water] 

  Cinema Snob : Plus, I think this is the first bath he's been given in years.

• Mike : [about pulling a prank on Alan]  Just a little joke. Besides, he likes it when we make fun of him.

  Cinema Snob : No, *I* like it when you make fun of him.

• Randy : [as the killer lowers a tiny noose toward his crotch]  What, are we hanging mice tonight?

  Cinema Snob : You're about to get your dick cut off. Would you mind taking this more seriously?

• Angela : What's happening here?

  Cinema Snob : I'll tell you what's happening: you keep killing people!

• Cinema Snob : I really don't like this movie.

• Cinema Snob : A penile death scene so severe I didn't have to censor anything.

• Ricky : [screaming]  Angelaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

  Cinema Snob : [chuckles]  Thank you for that, Ricky.

• Cinema Snob : Now this girl has to die too, because why the fuck not?

• Cinema Snob : Oh Toxie, must your avenging be so graphic?

• Cinema Snob : This was apparently Isaac Hayes' last released film before his death, which seems really sad, as he's mostly just standing there saying nothing and looking depressed. He certainly paid more attention to the reactive mind when accepting this role.

• Cinema Snob : They had to put a black screen there because it was just too amazing for us to see, or they blew their entire budget on Isaac Hayes, shitty credits and shitty CGI.

• Ronnie : [whispering]  Angela!

  Cinema Snob : [mimicking him]  Acting!

• Cinema Snob : The opening credits weren't lying. There's Isaac Hayes as Chef. Makes sense, Alan is about as likeable as later seasons' Eric Cartman.

• Cinema Snob : Ooh, rat death.

• Cinema Snob : [speaks over a clip of himself from 2007]  Maybe this'll work... except my lips aren't matching my words, and the quality is a little bad. Next.

• Cinema Snob : [sitting on the floor in a large room]  I am not doing a floor season again. Sorry. Also, I kinda sound like God in this room.

• Cinema Snob : Is it bad that I love seeing horrible things happen to this guy?

• Cinema Snob : Seriously, who would want to spend five minutes alone with this fucking turd? Unless you're luring him into the woods just to shoot paint balls at him. Oh, how I wish this were Child's Play 3 and those bullets were real.

• Cinema Snob : Fuck, why was I talking? Now Vincent is all tied up for some reason.

• Cinema Snob : On today's Cinema Snob, the topic is...

  Jerrid : [in bed]  Dude, do you mind? It's three in the afternoon.

  Cinema Snob : Exactly! It's three in the afternoon!

• Alan : Let me go, you big pussy!

  Frank : You don't tell me what to do!

  Cinema Snob : Oh, I get it, because he played Big Pussy on The Sopranos. It would've been much funnier if he'd called him a Scarboni. What? That was his character's name from the Jerky Boys movie. Much more obscure reference, which means I approve. Still doesn't make any fucking sense for it to be there, but I approve.

• Cinema Snob : And Lenny Venito joins Vincent Pastore among actors who are way too good to be appearing in this movie.

• Cinema Snob : Still, maybe it's worth it to see Venito throw eggs at this piece of shit.

• Bella : And if he don't leave soon, I'm gonna shove this mallet up his ass, and it ain't gonna be pretty, girls.

  Cinema Snob : Thank you! Shove a fucking cactus up his ass.

• Cinema Snob : The only thing notable here is that we get to see a clip from the short-lived revival of Berertta.

  Parrot : *Squawk* Your ass stinks.

  Frank : What'd you say?

  Cinema Snob : Yeah, it didn't go over too well.

• Cinema Snob : Obviously, they want us to think Alan is the killer, but we already know Angela is in the film. Look, there she fucking is, so we know she's the killer, which renders scenes like this pointless.

• Cinema Snob : Even though two people have died in this film, I still feel like nothing has happened, except that Ronnie is slowly becoming Jean Claude Van Damme.

• Cinema Snob : Well they missed the perfect opportunity to have her to bleed Skittles.

• Cinema Snob : Good lord, he turned him into carnival food!

• Cinema Snob : He's more annoying than the stereotypical pothead, whose name in the movie is probably just Pothead.

  Alan : Hey, Weed.

  Cinema Snob : Weed? His name is Weed? Well, I was fucking close. I can't wait to see the camp slut, who is probably literally named Whore.