- Troy Barnes: Growing up I had a cat named Troy, a bird named Troy, and a hamster named Troy. They were all older than me.
- [Realises he was named after the pets]
- Troy Barnes: Oh my god.
- Ben Chang: I'm Kevin. And you are?
- Jeff Winger: Not calling you Kevin.
- Ben Chang: Hi, not calling you Kevin. What are you having?
- Jeff Winger: None of this.
- Jeff Winger: Okay. The postman found Kevin here. He said he was soaking wet and smelled like fish. I know it's not a lot to go on...
- Annie Edison: Um, it's almost too much to go on. Look, Sullivan's trout farm is just 1/4 mile away. Who do you think you're dealing with, Winger?
- Troy Barnes: I don't know, Houlihan. Seems sort of thin.
- [On camera, filming the documentary]
- Troy Barnes: In an investigation, one dude always has to go opposite the other dude. That's how they get things done.
- Jeff Winger: Well, you guys can work it out.
- Annie Edison: Yeah, we will.
- Troy Barnes: No, we won't.
- Annie Edison: [On camera, filming the documentary] Something on this trout farm was starting to smell... wrong. The problem was, I didn't have any way to make him talk. Or did I?
- [Back at the trout farm]
- Annie Edison: Well, looks like everything checks out here. Right, Troy?
- Troy Barnes: No, Houlihan, I don't think anything checks out here.
- Annie Edison: No, don't fly off the handle, Partner.
- Troy Barnes: Oh, I will fly off the handle, Houlihan.
- Sully: What the hell are you talking about?
- Annie Edison: I'm sorry, Mr. Sullivan. Clearly, you have nothing to hide.
- Troy Barnes: [Yelling at him] What are you hiding?
- Jeff Winger: By trying to make Kevin a pariah, I accidentally became more Chang than Chang at his Changiest.
- Dr. Ken Kedan: Compared with your garden variety amnesia, Changnesia is immeasurably more complex. Its varied and seemingly random symptoms, its resistance to both traditional and new age medicine, why Changnesia affects the memory but not the ability to make forced puns... These are all things we can study now that someone finally has it.
- Dean Pelton: I first met Chang when I hired him as a Spanish teacher at Greendale. Then he became a disgraced student, psychopathic music major, homeless vent dweller, security guard, keytarist, power hungry warlord, and now, Kevin. It's sad to see him like this.
- [Slight pause]
- Dean Pelton: Well, it's mixed. He was pretty terrible before.
- Jeff Winger: We figure that out, we've got our smoking gun.
- Abed Nadir: And all thanks to Britta.
- Jeff Winger: Don't ruin this.
- Ben Chang: I can't remember anything before six months ago. But by using a special, shiny glass called a "mirror", I've estimated that I'm 15 years old, although I have no way of knowing.
- Dean Pelton: Here at Greendale, we accept all students, whoever they may be or have forgotten they were.
- Jeff Winger: Guys, did you hear? The history of ice cream class had another heart attack. Three more, and we're all in.
- Britta Perry: I'm developing a theory which some find controversial. Perhaps Chang actually used to be Kevin, went crazy, and became Chang. And then, at some point, Chang hit his head, went un-crazy, thereby reverting back to regular old Kevin again.
- Dr. Ken Kedan: That makes no sense. Science tells us hitting his head would only cure him if hitting his head was the original cause.
- Britta Perry: Told you it was controversial.
- Britta Perry: You want to hear my pitch? A strong, independent woman, starting her own business. An "entrepreneu-HER," if you will.
- Shirley Bennett: ...Or maybe a businesswoman?
- Britta Perry: Okay, fine. Think inside the box.
- Abed Nadir: Things got so ugly, I hesitate to even show you this footage. But I will let you see me reacting to it.
- Dean Pelton: [knock at the door] Yes?
- [Jeff enters]
- Dean Pelton: Ugh, and cue wet blanket Winger to tell us that we're all wasting our time.
- Ben Chang: Jeff, thank you. When the dean told me you were going to help me, I couldn't believe it. A cool, smart lawyer like yourself reaching out to a little nobody like me?
- Jeff Winger: [smiles smugly] I never told you I was a lawyer.
- Ben Chang: No, you didn't. Shirley said it, remember? You said, "You hired Chang?" And I said, "I'm Kevin, and you are?" And you said, "Not calling you Kevin," and I said, "Hi, not calling you Kevin. What are you having?" And you said, "None of this." And then Shirley said, "I don't care what he calls himself. He's a hard worker. We're all broken people, and we all deserve a second chance. Like how I gave Andre a second chance. Doesn't mean I forgot. I just forgave." And you said, "Chang didn't sleep with a stripper. He tried to k!ll us. Why does everyone keep forgetting all that?" And then Shirley said, "But he didn't. And you used to be a sleazy lawyer." Her words.
- Jeff Winger: Wow. That's quite a memory you have.
- Ben Chang: Well, my short term memory has actually improved. My doctor calls it a, um...
- [pulls up right shirt and sweater sleeves to expose Memento style writings on his arm, including Rent Memento]
- Ben Chang: side effect.
- Jeff Winger: [cut to interview] Oh. Well played, Chang. The chess match has begun.
- Annie Edison: So the figure that emerged, it was that man?
- Sully: Yeah, and I was pretty relieved when I found out it was a naked Asian guy, and not an angry trout.
- Abed Nadir: [reviewing 12 hours of Britta's unmonitored camera work, Chang dials phone] Who's he calling?
- Jeff Winger: Good question. We figure that out, we've got our smoking gun.
- Abed Nadir: And all thanks to Britta.
- Jeff Winger: Don't ruin this.
- Abed Nadir: Hey, Jeff.
- Jeff Winger: What are you doing?
- Abed Nadir: Making a documentary on Changnesia.
- Jeff Winger: You gotta be bleep-king kidding me.
- Abed Nadir: Got it. Beautiful.
- Jeff Winger: I mean, all my friends believe this guy. What does it say about me that I don't?
- [...]
- Jeff Winger: What does it say? It says I have gullible friends who will believe anybody, and I need to make that anybody me.
- Dean Pelton: That's why we are appealing to the Macguffin Neurological Institute for this $40,000 Grant, so we can continue to fight this terrible disease and hopefully, one day, pay for this documentary.