Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis (TV Series)
Oscar Buzz Edition Part 2 (2013)
Zach Galifianakis: Self - Host
Quotes
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Himself - Host : [to the camera] hi welcome to another edition of Between Two Ferns, the Oscar edition, this is part 2. I would like to welcome my first guest: Jessica "Chest-stain."
Jessica Chastain : [correcting him] it's Jessica Chastain
Himself - Host : [looking at his notes] as an actress, your nominated for Zero Dark Thirty
Jessica Chastain : that's correct
Himself - Host : Zero Dark Thirty, is that a movie about Chris Brown?
Jessica Chastain : [shaking her head] no
Himself - Host : how hard did you fight to keep the torture scenes in the film?
Jessica Chastain : well, you know it's really important that the film is as accurate as possible so...
Himself - Host : [interrupts her] it's about capturing Bin Laden
Himself - Host : is it a documentary?
Jessica Chastain : no but no you know...
Himself - Host : [interrupts her looking at his notes] who cares then
Himself - Host : [looking down] it's not the "real thing"
Jessica Chastain : yeah
Himself - Host : [looking off camera] because you're playing somebody that actually caught him, it'd be nice to if it was the actual person
Jessica Chastain : well she's undercover in the CIA so, no one can know what she looks like
Himself - Host : well, doesn't she look like you?
Jessica Chastain : [shakes her head] I can't tell you that
Himself - Host : so, she looks like an average looking redhead with a weird dress on?
Jessica Chastain : [shaking her head]
Himself - Host : [Zach presses the red button, music comes on and Jessica is escorted off stage by Misty]
Jessica Chastain : it's done?
Himself - Host : yeah you have to leave
Sally Field : [Sally Field enters and shakes hands with Zach] hello
Himself - Host : welcome
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Himself - Host : I read that you gained twenty-five pounds for the movie?
Sally Field : I did
Himself - Host : how'd you do that? Eat Anne Hathaway?
Sally Field : [hums, thinking of a response]
Himself - Host : [referring to Lincoln is on the penny of the United States currency, she played Lincoln's wife in the movie Lincoln] do you look at a Penny differently, now that you've been in Lincoln? Does it, does that...
Sally Field : [interrupts him] I just have to say something really, really honestly, I hate pennies.
Himself - Host : [looks confused, remains silent]
Sally Field : I hate them
Himself - Host : so, you're not Jewish?
Sally Field : [looks confused] not that I know of, I think I'm Catholic
Himself - Host : well I'd like to thank Sally Field for coming to the show...
Sally Field : [interrupts him] absolutely, very nice to be here
Himself - Host : [interrupts her] and really, really, really a pleasure
Sally Field : yes
Sally Field : [under her breath] ok
Himself - Host : [Zach presses the red button, music comes on and Sally is escorted off stage by Misty]
Sally Field : [to Misty] thank you so much
Misty Monroe : [escorts and gestures Sally to the left] we're going this way
Himself - Host : [to the camera] I'm very excited my guest a real pleasure to have him here because he doesn't a lot of interviews please welcome "Daniel Day Lewis"
Emmanuel Lewis : [Emmanuel Lewis walks onto the stage and sits down]
Himself - Host : [looks at his notes, confused]
Himself - Host : [Misty walks onto the stage and escorts Emmanuel Lewis off stage, to Emmanuel Lewis, to Emmanuel Lewis] bye
Bradley Cooper : [Bradley Cooper walks onto the stage and sits down] hey
Himself - Host : welcome Bradley Cooper
Bradley Cooper : good to be here
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Himself - Host : nice to see you here
Bradley Cooper : nice to see you here again
Himself - Host : I got your text about how bummed out you were when you found out it was the start of "black history month"
Bradley Cooper : [leans closer, remains silent]
Himself - Host : were you nominated?
Bradley Cooper : yeah
Himself - Host : for what?
Bradley Cooper : for best actor
Himself - Host : how's "bragging camp going?"
Bradley Cooper : [remains silent]
Himself - Host : I've written a speech
Bradley Cooper : really? Thank you
Himself - Host : [opening his suit jacket, takes out the speech, looks at it briefly, hands it to Bradley] yeah, I've written a speech
Bradley Cooper : [looking at the speech] when did you write this?
Himself - Host : [referring to the speech] I spent couple weeks on it, test it out
Bradley Cooper : [reading the speech] thank you I just called Daniel Day Lewis and congratulated him on his victory so I wish I could fulfill my dream of being a talented, respected actor but the Academy chosen someone better, it just sucks, I'm a loser
Himself - Host : [extends his arm towards Bradley, opens his hand] I can punch it up, want me to?
Himself - Host : [pointing to the speech] that speech you didn't win
Bradley Cooper : you don't make a concession speech
Himself - Host : you should
Bradley Cooper : [rubbing his eyes] I just don't understand the first in my life I'm actually part of something, do you know what that means to me? To be a part of something? That's my "Achilles heel", I just want to be included...
Himself - Host : [interrupts him, raising his voice] then why didn't you just join the boy scouts? If you wanted to be a part of something?
Bradley Cooper : [raising his voice] I want to be a part of this community, I found like a fellow person I fucking love, I used to go see your stand up all the time...
Himself - Host : [interrupts him] it doesn't really play well, you know what I mean? This "victim card" you're playing
Bradley Cooper : [talking over each other, raising his voice] I'm not being a victim, I thought I was being a friend, I watch you fight with your brother all the time...
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Himself - Host : [talking over each other, raising his voice] why bring that up now? My internet show...
Bradley Cooper : [talking over each other] all you care about is your God damn show...
Himself - Host : [Bradley throws a fern tree in Zach's face] all you care about is telling people...
Bradley Cooper : this is a fucking joke, I can't stand it
Himself - Host : [stands up in front of Bradley, blocking the camera] you throw my ferns in my face?
Bradley Cooper : [Zach, blocking the camera] who gives a fuck...
Bradley Cooper : [Bradley breaks the fern pot on Zach's head, Zach falls back, out of view]
Bradley Cooper : [shouting, getting up, walks over to the other fern and throws it on Zach, out of view] I'm so sick of your ferns, it's fucking bullshit!
Bradley Cooper : [looking down at Zach, out of view, walks off the stage] I'll call you later
Himself - Host : [trying to get up, his head is in view, Jessica Chastain, walks in, pushes his head back down, segment ends]