- Himself - Host: [to the camera] hi welcome to another edition of Between Two Ferns, the Oscar edition, this is part 2. I would like to welcome my first guest: Jessica "Chest-stain."
- Jessica Chastain: [correcting him] it's Jessica Chastain
- Himself - Host: [looking at his notes] as an actress, your nominated for Zero Dark Thirty
- Jessica Chastain: that's correct
- Himself - Host: Zero Dark Thirty, is that a movie about Chris Brown?
- Jessica Chastain: [shaking her head] no
- Himself - Host: how hard did you fight to keep the torture scenes in the film?
- Jessica Chastain: well, you know it's really important that the film is as accurate as possible so...
- Himself - Host: [interrupts her] it's about capturing Bin Laden
- Himself - Host: is it a documentary?
- Jessica Chastain: no but no you know...
- Himself - Host: [interrupts her looking at his notes] who cares then
- Himself - Host: [looking down] it's not the "real thing"
- Jessica Chastain: yeah
- Himself - Host: [looking off camera] because you're playing somebody that actually caught him, it'd be nice to if it was the actual person
- Jessica Chastain: well she's undercover in the CIA so, no one can know what she looks like
- Himself - Host: well, doesn't she look like you?
- Jessica Chastain: [shakes her head] I can't tell you that
- Himself - Host: so, she looks like an average looking redhead with a weird dress on?
- Jessica Chastain: [shaking her head]
- Himself - Host: [Zach presses the red button, music comes on and Jessica is escorted off stage by Misty]
- Jessica Chastain: it's done?
- Himself - Host: yeah you have to leave
- Sally Field: [Sally Field enters and shakes hands with Zach] hello
- Himself - Host: welcome
- Himself - Host: I read that you gained twenty-five pounds for the movie?
- Sally Field: I did
- Himself - Host: how'd you do that? Eat Anne Hathaway?
- Sally Field: [hums, thinking of a response]
- Himself - Host: [referring to Lincoln is on the penny of the United States currency, she played Lincoln's wife in the movie Lincoln] do you look at a Penny differently, now that you've been in Lincoln? Does it, does that...
- Sally Field: [interrupts him] I just have to say something really, really honestly, I hate pennies.
- Himself - Host: [looks confused, remains silent]
- Sally Field: I hate them
- Himself - Host: so, you're not Jewish?
- Sally Field: [looks confused] not that I know of, I think I'm Catholic
- Himself - Host: well I'd like to thank Sally Field for coming to the show...
- Sally Field: [interrupts him] absolutely, very nice to be here
- Himself - Host: [interrupts her] and really, really, really a pleasure
- Sally Field: yes
- Sally Field: [under her breath] ok
- Himself - Host: [Zach presses the red button, music comes on and Sally is escorted off stage by Misty]
- Sally Field: [to Misty] thank you so much
- Misty Monroe: [escorts and gestures Sally to the left] we're going this way
- Himself - Host: [to the camera] I'm very excited my guest a real pleasure to have him here because he doesn't a lot of interviews please welcome "Daniel Day Lewis"
- Emmanuel Lewis: [Emmanuel Lewis walks onto the stage and sits down]
- Himself - Host: [looks at his notes, confused]
- Himself - Host: [Misty walks onto the stage and escorts Emmanuel Lewis off stage, to Emmanuel Lewis, to Emmanuel Lewis] bye
- Bradley Cooper: [Bradley Cooper walks onto the stage and sits down] hey
- Himself - Host: welcome Bradley Cooper
- Bradley Cooper: good to be here
- Himself - Host: nice to see you here
- Bradley Cooper: nice to see you here again
- Himself - Host: I got your text about how bummed out you were when you found out it was the start of "black history month"
- Bradley Cooper: [leans closer, remains silent]
- Himself - Host: were you nominated?
- Bradley Cooper: yeah
- Himself - Host: for what?
- Bradley Cooper: for best actor
- Himself - Host: how's "bragging camp going?"
- Bradley Cooper: [remains silent]
- Himself - Host: I've written a speech
- Bradley Cooper: really? Thank you
- Himself - Host: [opening his suit jacket, takes out the speech, looks at it briefly, hands it to Bradley] yeah, I've written a speech
- Bradley Cooper: [looking at the speech] when did you write this?
- Himself - Host: [referring to the speech] I spent couple weeks on it, test it out
- Bradley Cooper: [reading the speech] thank you I just called Daniel Day Lewis and congratulated him on his victory so I wish I could fulfill my dream of being a talented, respected actor but the Academy chosen someone better, it just sucks, I'm a loser
- Himself - Host: [extends his arm towards Bradley, opens his hand] I can punch it up, want me to?
- Himself - Host: [pointing to the speech] that speech you didn't win
- Bradley Cooper: you don't make a concession speech
- Himself - Host: you should
- Bradley Cooper: [rubbing his eyes] I just don't understand the first in my life I'm actually part of something, do you know what that means to me? To be a part of something? That's my "Achilles heel", I just want to be included...
- Himself - Host: [interrupts him, raising his voice] then why didn't you just join the boy scouts? If you wanted to be a part of something?
- Bradley Cooper: [raising his voice] I want to be a part of this community, I found like a fellow person I fucking love, I used to go see your stand up all the time...
- Himself - Host: [interrupts him] it doesn't really play well, you know what I mean? This "victim card" you're playing
- Bradley Cooper: [talking over each other, raising his voice] I'm not being a victim, I thought I was being a friend, I watch you fight with your brother all the time...
- Himself - Host: [talking over each other, raising his voice] why bring that up now? My internet show...
- Bradley Cooper: [talking over each other] all you care about is your God damn show...
- Himself - Host: [Bradley throws a fern tree in Zach's face] all you care about is telling people...
- Bradley Cooper: this is a fucking joke, I can't stand it
- Himself - Host: [stands up in front of Bradley, blocking the camera] you throw my ferns in my face?
- Bradley Cooper: [Zach, blocking the camera] who gives a fuck...
- Bradley Cooper: [Bradley breaks the fern pot on Zach's head, Zach falls back, out of view]
- Bradley Cooper: [shouting, getting up, walks over to the other fern and throws it on Zach, out of view] I'm so sick of your ferns, it's fucking bullshit!
- Bradley Cooper: [looking down at Zach, out of view, walks off the stage] I'll call you later
- Himself - Host: [trying to get up, his head is in view, Jessica Chastain, walks in, pushes his head back down, segment ends]