- Tim Noah: I love you.
- Cinema Snob: [flirty tone] Slow down. It's a little too soon, Tim. We've only just met and I already think you also have severed heads in your closet.
- Tim's Imagination: Hmmm... Let's see now. What can I do with mashed potatoes?
- [Door slowly closes]
- Cinema Snob: Ummm... you can eat them. Please, please. For the love of God, just eat them.
- Cinema Snob: [Opening lines] Why is it that the more wholesome the movie is on this show the more likely it is to give you nightmares? So with that in mind, kick back, sneak a little of your grandpa's LSD and prepare yourself for In Search of the Wah-Wah Wizzle... Wobble... Something. You know what? No, no. No I am not saying the full title of this film because I'm not a fucking idiot.
- Cinema Snob: I'm sorry. Is that music? It sounds like Salacious Crumb jerking off. I get those two confused sometimes.
- DJ on Radio: I've got a message for you. Don't look in the closet.
- Cinema Snob: Oh don't worry about that, I'm pretty sure he's still in the closet.
- Cinema Snob: Oh, shit. It's the Anipals. I knew there was something in this room that had a hand up its ass.
- Tim Noah: This must be where Tarzan lives. Probably has lots of animals for friends. Never has to do any homework.
- Cinema Snob: Neither do you. You're 30.
- Tim's Mother: Tim! Are you in there?
- Tim Noah: Yeah, Mom. I'm here.
- Tim's Mother: How did your lunch box get smashed?
- Cinema Snob: Hey, hey. Tim lives with his mom.
- [points to his face smiling]
- Cinema Snob: This is me being surprised by this.
- Tim's Imagination: Too bad too. We're just getting to the good part.
- Cinema Snob: It isn't just me. Even the movie knows that so far it sucked. Thank god we're now at the good part.
- Tim's Imagination: Well, I guess you won't be needing your magic powers then.
- Cinema Snob: This is the fucking good part?
- [Magic robe falls from the ceiling]
- Cinema Snob: Here, I need you to put on this costume and escort Waldo to the land of Giants.
- [Tim puts on magician's costume]
- Cinema Snob: Great. Now he looks like that prick I always wanted to strangle in Super Mario World.
- Tim Noah: [singing while dumping stardust out of his hat] And my hat is full of stardust.
- Cinema Snob: [laughing] That's the cocaine! You feeling the effects yet, Tim? I know you are!
- Tim Noah: [singing] Sunshine morning...
- Cinema Snob: You've been fucking around in your room all day, asshole. It's like 6 pm out there, loser.
- Cinema Snob: And now he and us have finally ended up in children's entertainment hell.
- Tim Noah: I miss you. Think I'll go in the closet.
- Cinema Snob: Tim... no. Just... stop, honey.
- Tim Noah: [singing] When you can't reach to scratch an itch. Well that's what friends are for...
- Cinema Snob: Really? You mean I've spent years scratching away at my jock itch when I could have easily had my friends do it?
- Cinema Snob: Are we ever going to see this Wicker Bricker Weed Whacker they keep singing about?
- Tim Noah: That's what I'm talking about! The Wow Wow Wibble Woggle Wazzie Woodle Woo! It's me and you, man!
- Cinema Snob: What? So in other words, this movie should be called In Search for Nothing?
- Tim Noah: Together, we can do anything!
- Cinema Snob: No you can't! You promised us a Wow Wow Wibble Wobble Bubble and came through with nothing! You're the dirty Christmas of children's entertainers.
- Cinema Snob: [Tim comes out of the closet dressed in a marching band leader's uniform] He just got picked last in the picked last competition. He's so American he tastes like pancakes.
- Tim Noah: Just look at this room! It looks like it's been hit by a... tor... uh, hur... an... an... ear... a tor-hura-quake!
- Cinema Snob: Yeah and whose fault is that? Don't shoot rocket launchers in the house if you don't want to get in trouble with your 60-year-old mom.
- Cinema Snob: Tim leads a very weird life. He lives inside of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man's stomach, and yet he still manages to be the whitest thing in the room.
- Cinema Snob: Kirk Cameron's Evolution of Dance was weird. The dancing's not that good, it lacks actual evolution, and it's kinda bigoted. Though not even Kirk Cameron is in this much denial.
- Tim Noah: [phone is ringing] Telephone. Wait a minute! There's no telephone in here!
- Cinema Snob: Um, there is clearly a phone in there. I can hear it ringing!
- Tim Noah: [picks up soda bottle and puts it to ear] Hello?
- Cinema Snob: That's a fucking bottle!
- Tim's Imagination: Try... the jungle.
- Cinema Snob: Is this the jungle, or a bunch of peacocks playing a horrible game of Hide & Seek?