Jessie (TV Series)

G.I. Jessie (2013)

Kevin Chamberlin: Bertram

Quotes 

• Bertram : I never thought of anyone coming back for seconds of *your* gruel!

  Corporal Cookie : [groans]  I don't get it! What does your food have that mine doesn't?

  Bertram : Hmm, flavour, texture, fewer fingernails.

  Jessie Prescott : [coming to the kitchen, upset]  I need 3 gallons of Neapolitan and a weapons grade spoon!

  Bertram : Sorry, tonight's dessert is mini fruit compote.

  Jessie Prescott : That'll do!

  [Jessie takes one of the trays of compote and starts stuffing her face, and sits on one of the large food tins] 

  Jessie Prescott : You're not gonna believe what's going on!

  Bertram : I'm not gonna care either, I'm busy!

  Jessie Prescott : I came here to smooth things over with my dad, but all he seems to care about is if I connect with *Darla*! When all I wanna do is connect her face to a hornet's nest.

  Bertram : [sees Corporal Cookie ladle the chicken with sauce]  NO!

  Jessie Prescott : I'm not actually gonna do it! It wouldn't be fair to the hornets.

  Bertram : I meant, no, don't *drown* my chicken in sauce, *drizzle* it!

  Corporal Cookie : Oh, you mean like this?

  [she flicks sauce on Bertram and it lands on Jessie's shoes] 

  Jessie Prescott : Hey! You spilled that on my fake designer shoes! You owe me 20 bucks! Plus shipping.

  [she stuffs the rest of the compote in her mouth] 

  Corporal Cookie : Does this one ever stop yakking about her problems?

  Bertram : No. Just wait til she starts in about her ex-boyfriends!

  Corporal Cookie : She's single? I'm *shocked*!

  [Bertram and Corporal Cookie laugh loudly to themselves] 

  Jessie Prescott : [sarcastically]  Thanks for the sympathy.

  [stuffs another compote in her mouth] 

  Bertram : Hey, take it easy! I only made 3,000 of those!

  [tries to take the tray away from Jessie, but Jessie pulls it away] 

• Bertram : [opening lines]  No! No! *NO!*

  Jessie Prescott : You just have to watch the kids for one measly weekend.

  [begging Bertram] 

  Jessie Prescott : Please?

  Bertram : No! Walking away. Don't follow!

  [Jessie walks behind Bertram] 

  Bertram : You're following.

  Jessie Prescott : Bertram, it's a big deal that my dad invited me home! He was *really* mad when I left for New York instead of joining the military.

  Bertram : Just think how glad the military was.

  Jessie Prescott : Please! This is my chance to clear the air with him and prove that I made the right decision!

  Bertram : By being a failed actress and a mediocre nanny?

  [Bertram chuckles to himself] 

  Jessie Prescott : OK, I may not have joined the military; but I can still still snap your windpipe with one finger.

  [Jessie holds up her pinky finger at Bertram] 

  Bertram : [referring to the children]  Better that than taking care of *those* monsters!

  Jessie Prescott : Please! They're such good kids! What could possibly go wrong?

  Emma Ross : [cutting to the Ross kids firing a rocket and beginning a countdown in the lounge room]  Three!

  Luke Ross : Two!

  Ravi Ross : One!

  Zuri Ross : BLAST OFF!

  [Ravi launches the rocket, and then it hits the roof; and the water tower; getting Jessie and Bertram all wet] 

  Bertram : [pointing at the roof; and the water tower that got blown up by the rocket]  That.

  Luke Ross : [staring at the roof]  I can't believe we blew up the water tower.

  [pause] 

  Luke Ross : AWESOME!

  [Jessie stares at the kids, shocked] 

  Emma Ross : Ravi, you said it would only go up 15 feet!

  Ravi Ross : Oops! It turns out rocket science is as difficult as... well, rocket science!

  [Jessie looks at Ravi, all wet, thinking "You think?"] 

  Zuri Ross : On the plus side, now we have a skylight!

  Ravi Ross : [to Jessie, thinking she was going to send them to their rooms]  Jessie, please do not send us to our rooms. Especially since the structure of the roof has been compromised.

  Jessie Prescott : [getting every bit of debris and water out of her hair and letting the kids know about their punishment]  Oh, you're not going to your rooms! You're going to spend the weekend on a military base. In Texas!

  Emma Ross : [in horror at the thought of going to Texas and yelling at the roof and echoing]  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

  [it echoes through the penthouse and throughout New York City]