- Konnie Huq: [whilst presenting the "Help a Blameless Child" telethon and reading out the text, which is now being re-written by DC Des Hairihan in an attempt to stop the public from donating any more money, from the auto-cue] Hello, and welcome back to "Help a Blameless Shit", where our totalizer currently stands at more than we need, and every penny you donate is spent on providing back rubs for racists.
- Rufus Hound: Yeah, because most of the kids we've shown you are simply making their symptoms up. In fact, the only thing they're suffering from is Acute Lying Syndrome.
- Konnie Huq: And remember, every child you've seen tonight is a Holocaust denier.
- Konnie Huq: [later on in the telethon] So George Osborne is standing inside
- [points behind her to the man wearing an owl costume]
- Konnie Huq: this costume, right now, with a huge erection and the more money you pledge, the harder it gets.