- Annie Edison: Anthony said he could fix our cabinets.
- Abed Nadir: Rachel used to mop floors when she worked at Kmart.
- Rachel: Is this a real conversation, or are we being bugged by the feds?
- Dean Pelton: [Rapping] Well, I'm a peanut bar / And I'm here to say / Your checks will arrive on another day / Another day, another dime, another rhyme, another dollar / Another stuffed shirt with another white collar / Criminals, Wall Street, taking the pie / And all the black man gets is a plate of white lies / Prisons! Recruitin' 'em! Police be shootin' them / Rap artists lootin' them, labels all dilutin' them / Barack Obama is scared of me /'Cause I don't swallow knowledge / And I spit it for free
- Anthony: [Talking to Abed] I don't really know how girlfriends work, but I don't think you have one anymore.
- Abed Nadir: Rachel and I have been dating for the *equivalent* of a year.
- Annie Edison: Oh, really? 'Cause I feel like I've been hearing about that for two years. You can't just microwave a relationship like it's a bean burrito!
- Abed Nadir: Annie...
- Annie Edison: [interrupting] I ain't livin' with your month-long girlfriend, brah.
- Abed Nadir: Well, I ain't livin' with your wack-ass, don't-know-whether-to-keep-cutting-carrots-or-ask-if-he-can-take-a-poop brother!
- [first lines]
- Annie Edison: It's settled. The urinals in the women's restroom will be turned into planters. Onto chores. We need some able bodies to clear out a space in the east hall storage room.
- Jeff Winger: I'll do it.
- Britta Perry: Really?
- Jeff Winger: Yeah, Annie always goes from the easiest chores to the hardest.
- Shirley Bennett: That's true, isn't it? I'll do it too.
- Professor Hickey: Me too.
- Annie Edison: Okay, that concludes this meeting.
- Shirley Bennett: Oh!
- Jeff Winger: Aw, man!
- Annie Edison: Nobody picks up on my patterns. What am I gonna say next? Graham cracker! You didn't know.
- Jeff Winger: Hey, it's the 'aww' couple!
- [Abed and Rachel come in]
- Annie Edison, Britta Perry, Shirley Bennett: Aww.
- Dean Pelton: [writing a new rap song] Don't step, don't step to me. I like coffee and water, don't step to me.
- [Realises it's not good]
- Dean Pelton: Oh, dammit! I lost it. I lost it!
- Abed Nadir: Rachel and I have been dating for one of your months, but our relationship is 12 times more efficient, so it's really been a year. Our sleep cycles are in synch, we can communicate with our eyebrows, and she knows my Netflix password... Jeff's Netflix password.
- Jeff Winger: Damn it. I'm changing that.
- Abed Nadir: I changed that.
- Jeff Winger: To what?
- Abed Nadir: Nice try.
- Rachel: [Abed apologises to Rachel by having someone pour water on his head, re-enacting a movie scene] Abed, this is adorable.
- Abed Nadir: Just because it's adorable doesn't mean it's not important.
- Shirley Bennett: Is the air working in here? I'm sweating like a Catholic on Judgment Day.
- [Giggles]
- Shirley Bennett: Just a little protestant humor.
- Shirley Bennett: Why are there books in an air duct?
- Jeff Winger: Why is there hot sauce in the bathroom? It's Greendale.
- Shirley Bennett: We've been through some stuff. But we learned something.
- Professor Hickey: No, we didn't.
- Shirley Bennett: We learned that sometimes there's no lesson.
- Jeff Winger: How is that learning?
- Britta Perry: Good luck. You wanna re-blindfold me? I know we're in E-9 in the east wing. I know that because it smells like weed. Not my weed.
- Annie Edison: You wanna decide on a roommate with a 1993 Old West-themed VCR game?
- Abed Nadir: If Rachel or I win, Rachel moves in. If you or Anthony win, I'll politely surrender and count down the days until he eats me.
- Abed Nadir: [about Annie's brother] I guess my knee-jerk concern would be that he's a Viking and might only use our home as a temporary base before moving inland where lumber is more plentiful.
- Abed Nadir: Although we haven't been saying it, Troy was an important part of our apartment. He kept the peace.
- Annie Edison: Yeah. Goin' a little crazy without him. Maybe we need to live with a therapist.
- Abed Nadir: Or at least someone crazier than us.
- [Britta walks in]
- Abed Nadir: ...Let's give Craigslist another try.
- Annie Edison: I think Craigslist is the way to go.
- Devon's Wife: We have got to move to Los Angeles.
- Devon: But I work here.
- Devon's Wife: Oh, please. You call Apple computers work? What kind of company offers stock options as a Christmas bonus? That ship is sinkin'.
- Jeff Winger: Let's just calm down and have a slow, pleasant chat about possibilities.
- Shirley Bennett: What kind?
- Jeff Winger: All kinds. Anything is possible. We might one day have hover cars. Kale might be poisonous. And we might not have to get the Dean involved here.
- Shirley Bennett: Jeffrey, these are stolen!
- Jeff Winger: From who? By who? How long ago?
- Professor Buzz Hickey: It's "from whom," "by whom." But he nailed the third question.
- Shirley Bennett: I can't let you leave until we're done with this deal.
- Jeff Winger: [Being tied up] Shirley, this is not what God wants you to be doing today!
- Devon's Wife: These VCR games is where everything is headed. Can't you see that? You just became the Luke Skywalker of the new Star Wars.
- Annie Edison: We want one of you to live with us.
- Abed Nadir: Yeah, we're settling it with a game of Pile of Bullets.
- Rachel: That is not an explanation that should make anybody want to live here.
- [Stands]
- Rachel: Abed, I don't like this side of you, and I do *not* like that side of VCR technology. I am glad that it's a dead medium. That was very uncomfortable.
- [Storms out]
- Anthony: ...I don't really know how girlfriends work, but I don't think you have one anymore.
- Abed Nadir: I'm here to do my third-act apology.
- Rachel: Abed, I don't think...
- Abed Nadir: Wait. Don't reject it until the whole thing's been served up.
- Annie Edison: We need a roommate. We're broke.
- Abed Nadir: I vote for Rachel.
- Annie Edison: I vote for Anthony. Flip a coin?
- Abed Nadir: No. Coins create parallel timelines.
- Annie Edison: Rock, paper, scissors?
- Abed Nadir: That's a nine-sided coin.
- Annie Edison: You're packing?
- Anthony: Yeah.
- Annie Edison: You're leaving?
- Anthony: Yeah.
- Annie Edison: Because of last night?
- Anthony: Yeah.