- Abed Nadir: Okay, I'm gonna peel off some Band-Aids here. Dennis Hopper is dead. TV shows give no time for theme songs anymore. And Woody Allen did the voice of a cartoon ant.
- Dean Pelton: His body was never found, nor was his immense wealth. Some people said he hid his money using a portal to another dimension. Those people were on LSD. Everyone else said he had a secret vault in his office.
- Jeff Winger: [after Ian Duncan is electrocuted] Is Duncan okay?
- Professor Hickey: He'll live, but his food's gonna taste like burnt aluminum for a while.
- Professor Ian Duncan: It's pronounced "alumin-i-um".
- Professor Hickey: See, he's fine.
- Annie Edison: [Walking around in Greendale's dark basement] Scary.
- Dean Pelton: Oh, relax. If it's anything like a regular dungeon, it's only as dangerous as whoever invited you.
- Abed Nadir: Anything in there?
- Annie Edison: [about to cry] It's just spider webs and beanbag chairs.
- Abed Nadir: Don't cry. The importance of lumbar support hadn't...
- Annie Edison: It's not that. It's just even if we do save Greendale, which Greendale will we be saving? First Pierce dies. Then Troy leaves. Now people are...
- Abed Nadir: Annie, look, I don't know people, but I know TV. When characters feel like the show they're on is ending, their instinct is to spin off into something safer. In Jeff and Britta's case, something that would last six episodes and have a lot of bickering about tweezers and gluten, starring them and an equally W.A.S.P.-y brunette couple with a title like "Better with my worse half" or "Awfully wedded" or "Tying the not", but "knot" is spelt without a k, or #CouplePeopleProblems, and every episode, you get...
- Annie Edison: Abed. Abed, stop developing!
- Abed Nadir: Sorry. The point is, this show, Annie, it isn't just their show. This is our show, and it's not over. And the sooner we find that treasure, the faster the Jeff-Britta pilot falls apart.
- Professor Ian Duncan: [Looking at Greendale's blueprints] It's so clear now. The entire school is shaped like a penis.
- Shirley Bennett: No, that. It says right here that this stairway leads to sublevel three.
- Annie Edison: Is that where the teachers' lounge is?
- Professor Hickey: What the hell does your penis look like?
- Professor Ian Duncan: Obviously a cluster of buildings, so let's all have a big laugh at the freak.
- Britta Perry: Hey, Chang, you've become a bad guy again?
- Ben Chang: There's a lot more to it than that, Britta. Hahaha!
- [Tries to take a "mask" off, "Mission:Impossible"-style]
- Ben Chang: Wait, I'm not wearing a mask? Okay, there's no more to it. I think I'm just mentally ill.
- Russell Borchert: So anyway, I sealed myself up down here with 50 years of food, 50 years of toilet paper, and 50 years of cocaine, which I somehow ran out of after about 10 years.
- Jeff Winger: Wow, the 80s happened down here, too.
- Jeff Winger: Objection! I teach law at Greendale, so believe me I don't know much about law. But I do know a contract violation when I see one.
- Carl: This is a legitimate transaction, where a city is selling a school to a restaurant. It happens somewhere everyday.
- Russell Borchert: And what's that?
- Abed Nadir: An emoticon. That person wants to indicate happiness, but can't convey it with language, so they misuse punctuation to form a smile.
- Russell Borchert: That is so... stupid. Only an idiot would think of this. Idiots won, which means my work down here is done.
- Abed Nadir: We'll definitely be back next year. If not, it'll be because an asteroid has destroyed all human civilization. And that's canon.
- [He looks at the camera, breaking the fourth wall]
- Russell Borchert: In theory, a blast of human passion could shock the mainframe into a cold start, but that's only if somebody in this room has feelings stronger than I get when I rub my nipples, so good luck with that, folks.
- Abed Nadir: Jeff, in case you ever have to remember me, can I give you some options for voice-over quotes?
- Jeff Winger: Shut up, Abed.
- Richie: [smugly, after trying to read Hickey's mind to find out where the study group members are] Thank you.
- [to the others]
- Richie: I know where they went. They climbed out of a window to the roof, hopped on a hang-glider, flew across town to that Greek restaurant... Papa Cristo's?
- [to Hickey, triumphant]
- Richie: I robbed your brain! I robbed it!
- Security Guard: [entering the room] Hey guys, we found a hatch in the floor underneath the vending machine. I think they went down inside it.
- Richie: [confused] Was there a hang-glider? You're - you're gonna find a hang-glider down there! That much I know!
- Jeff Winger: Okay, guys, stop it now. Nobody wants to admit its over, but come on.
- Dean Pelton: Oh, look, it's Jeff Winger, fun police, here to pull over our smiles 'cause our mouths have tinted windows.
- Jeff Winger: Abed, if there's killer robots down here, you'll tell them we're on your side, right?
- Abed Nadir: Yes, but we won't know them from ordinary robots until they kill us.
- Abed Nadir: [Looking for a way to open a door behind the jukebox] Try track 127.
- Annie Edison: Right. Because 127 in binary code would be a palindrome.
- Abed Nadir: Because the song title is "Open the Door" by The Secret Doors.