- Jealous of Schmidt and Abby's relationship, Jess moves into Nick's bedroom; however the living arrangement does not make either one of them happy. Meanwhile, Winston struggles to get into better shape for the LAPD obstacle course.
- Schmidt has everyone over to his loft for the one week anniversary of Abby becoming his "live in lover." Abby sits on his lap and licks syrup off his face.
Cece can only roll her eyes. Coach notes the massive amount of food Winston is eating. Winston says he's trying to bulk up for the LAPD physical fitness exam. Schmidt is wearing a kind of bolo tie made with a split soda can that has drawn blood. He's lending Abby money and she's making jewelry.
Now that Abby doesn't need the other room, Nick and Jess can go back to their own rooms. Abby brags that she and Schmidt have no boundaries as she sucks on his face.
Back in their apartment, Jess is annoyed at the "fake couple" and wants to prove that she and Nick are a real couple. She suggests they take the "official" step of moving into the same room together. "We have so much left to learn about each other, stuff you can only learn if you're crammed together in a small space and can't get out. Just you and me, four walls, no boundaries, no escape," she says.
"When you put it like that, it sounds amazing. And like prison," Nick says.
She asks if he wants to and he doesn't manage a yes or no, saying he can't think of why not to. She celebrates.
Later, at the bar, Nick lists all the reasons it's a bad idea. He's worried about changing in front of Jess, which is a different kind of naked than sex naked. "Expose your cracks and love will fill them," Schmidt advises. Schmidt is wearing a choker necklace of paper clips and a pen cap and proudly boasts that he and Abby have one sponge and they use it for everything.
Nick notes Schmidts choker. "Looking at that thing, the sex must be awesome," he says.
In the loft, Winston climbs a rope while Coach explains that he and Cece are such good friends he feels like one of her girlfriends. When Cece comes for a weird favor he temporarily turns into a woman.
Cece and Coach snoop through Schmidt's apartment looking for dirt on Abby. Cece thinks she's taking advantage of Schmidt. When Schmidt arrives, Cece tells him that she's known Abby 20 years and she's not to be trusted.
Schmidt considers it, then announces he doesn't like Cece and Coach as friends.
In their room, Nick tries to psych himself up for changing for bed. Jess notices him being odd and he says he's never changed in front of a woman. He puts on a "long shirt," which could easily be confused for a nightie. It keeps his top warm and lets his bottom breathe.
Nick tries to get to sleep, but Jess' reading light bothers him. He flips around in bed, giving her a way too close look at his filthy feet. Jess tries to seek refuge in her room but finds Winston has turned it into a work out room.
The next day, Jess reads in the elevator. Abby gets on and brags that living with Schmidt she's never felt so clean and so dirty at the same time. They rented a hotel last night but didn't make it out the door without tearing each other's clothes off. "Oh, that's our thing, too," Jess says.
Abby mentions the hotel is paid up through tomorrow and Jess and Nick should take it.
Winston shares to Nick that he's worried about the rings on the police exam, because of "the incident."
Flash to Winston hanging from rings on the playground as a kid and Nick pantsing him. Back in his room, Nick tells Winston that he hasn't had a moment alone since Jess moved in. The she races in with a suitcase and announces she's staying at a hotel tonight. Nick doesn't ask, she says it's for a field trip and when Winston starts to remind Nick about wanting a moment alone, Nick pantses him.
Schmidt, Cece and Coach stake out Abby. Coach continues to act like Cece's best girlfriend and Schmidt explains that he find the dynamic between them very annoying. Schmidt tries to drive off, but Cece grabs the wheel. "Great, we hit a parked car in the same neighborhood where they shot fricking 'Children of Men.'"
Meanwhile, at the hotel room by herself, Jess enjoys her alone time. She rolls on the bed, sings showtunes, drinks mini bottles of booze.
In the sketchy neighborhood, Abby comes down from an apartment with a box and finds Cece, Coach and Schmidt in the street. Cece warns her she's see her use up too many men and she won't let her do it to Schmidt. They demand to see what's in the box.
Zippers. "The guy up there gave me a great deal. He also loves crack," Abby says.
They turn to leave and find Cece's car is gone.
At the beach, Winston hangs from a ring, trying to will himself to get going. A kid stares him down and psychs him out. He goes in the nearby hotel to tell them to police their beach and runs into Jess padding around in a plush robe.
Over coffee, Coach is still in girlfriend gay man mode and tells Cece she's acting like a lunatic and needs to figure out what all this with Schmidt is really about.
Back at the loft, Winston immediately spill to Nick about seeing Jess. At first he's annoyed, even though sharing a room was driving him crazy, too. Then he realizes he never gets to win these things.
Cece apologizes to Schmidt for interfering with Abby. She tells him she didn't want Abby to take advantage of him because he knows he'll do anything for the people he cares about.
Jess comes home from her "field trip" and Nick asks detailed questions. She nails every one until he can't take it and tells her he knows she's lying. She blames Winston, who shouts "Nick loves being alone, too!" from the other room.
She tells him she was just trying to be a good couple, like Schmidt and Abby.
Abby joins Jess in the bar. Jess confesses she spent the night alone in the hotel because Nick was driving her crazy. "He has the feet of a hippie cult leader," Jess says. Abby confesses she jumps from guy to guy because she hates to be alone, but Jess and Nick have the real thing.
Back at the loft, Nick packs up Jess's things, including an 8 x 10 photo of him. They agree to make things work some day, just not now.
Schmidt drops by to announce Abby left. She moved home to live with her mother and save up to be independent. Schmidt only realizes he'd seen it coming before he signed a three year lease for a storefront for her jewelry. It obliterated his bank account so he's moving back in, which he assumes won't be a problem since Jess and Nick are living together. They feign enthusiasm.
"You have to start washing your feet," Jess says.
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