Conan O'Brien: Self - Host

Quotes 

• Conan O'Brien : The ESPYs were on ESPN last night. Okay? This is the big sports awards, and uh, they called me, this is a couple of months ago, there they were preparing the ESPYs and they said, "we're coming and we're talking to different celebrities, we want to come and talk to you, Conan, about your favorite sports team and what they meant to, your favorite like sports team and and just tell us stories." So they came here with a camera crew, this is a true story, and they were here for, like, an hour, and I was telling them story after story about growing up in Boston, you know, following the Boston Red Sox, I had all these great stories and I went on and on, and the camera crews laugh and everybody's laughing like, "This stuff is great, thank you very much." "A little thing I do called comedy." And, uh, and so I was telling, you know, and I just went on and on and they said "more", we got a lot of stuff, they were stopping and changing tape, and I'd go on and on and on and they left they were like, "That was great, we owe you" and I'm like, "Hey we got to help each other out", you know? So they leave, and last night I watched the ESPYs, 'cause I wanted to see, like, what happened, you know, what, you know, how it came across and how I looked and all that kind of stuff. So I watched the ESPYs last night. This is my segment that was on the ESPYs in its entirety, uh, we haven't touched this thing, this is exactly how it appeared last night. Enjoy.

  [clip of Jim Belushi: "You gotta understand the problem with the Bears fan is that we, our lives revolve around how well they do."] 

  Conan O'Brien : [clip of Drew Carey: "These guys on these other team, if they're outside of Cleveland, I don't care who they are, Michael Jordan, whoever, if you didn't play for Cleveland, we really don't care that much about you."] 

  [clip of Conan O'Brien: "Red Sox."] 

  Conan O'Brien : [clip of Frankie Muniz: "The Clippers, I just always liked them, I stick with them, everyone always makes fun of me..."] 

  [audience laughter/applause] 

  Conan O'Brien : ... They were here for an HOUR! I went on and on and on: "Red Sox!" I think they, I think they cut the "x" out of Red Sox. I think if you look carefully: "Red So-" "Red So-" "Eh!" I think when they rebroadcast it, it will be shorter it'll be me going

  [short yelp] 

  Conan O'Brien : What the hell happened? That was madness! That's insane! Does ABC own ESPYs, or...?

  [Jeff Ross nods] 

  Conan O'Brien : Oh they do! That's interesting! THAT'S interesting! Drew Carey's on ABC! Jim Belushi's on ABC! It's a CONSPIRACY, man!

  [audience laughter] 

  Conan O'Brien : That's what it is! That's how TV works! There's a guy in a room who was like, "Show Drew Carey! Show Jim Belushi!" "Sir, we have a clip of Conan O'Brien." "NO!" Just petting a white cat, "Meow!" And the cat's like: "Conan's funny!" "SILENCE!" I'm gonna do something about this... not.

  [chuckles] 

  Conan O'Brien : What can I do. Well I just had to share that.