- Nick hatches a bet with Jess that she's just as superficial as the rest of the guys when it comes to dating. Meanwhile, Winston and Cece team up to trick Schmidt and Coach into thinking they're going to be models.
- Oogling women at the bar, the guys have a thorough evaluation of what they like in a boob. Winston likes them going in two different directions, like Cookie Monster's eyes. Jess weighs in, buzz killington calling them pigs. She says she wouldn't rule out a guy based on how he looks.
Jess says real women are wonky. "Perhaps. But like climate change, we pretend they don't exist," Schmidt says.
Nick argues that boobs are a good indicator of personality. Jess has enough and storms off to someone's booth. She's apologizing and explaining that he friends are annoying her when she looks up and sees a gorgeous godlike man sitting across from her.
She says they're being superficial and he asks if it'd be annoying if he told her she's hot.
"Shut you gross beautiful face. No, I'd love it. Thank you," she stammers.
He asks her out and as he's putting his number in her phone he tells her he has a micro-penis.
Back in the loft, the guys Google the condition. "It's like a single tent in a vast, dark forest," Schmidt says. "It's like the letter 'I' floating around in a bowl of alphabet soup," Winston says. "That's awesome! An ant eater is being born." says Winston.
Jess is ready for her date and insists the micro penis won't be an issue. When Nick says she won't last a week, she says it'll be at least a month. She takes his $500 bet. If he loses, he donates to the National Organization for Women's Love your Body Campaign. If Nick wins, she'll get him a subscription to the porn site of his choosing.
Out on her date, it turns out Matt is a street artist with seven tattoos who is also not too bright.
Back at the bar, Schmidt and Coach are sullen over the fact that some men have teeny tiny endowments. They evaluate their own physical attributes. Schmidt tells Coach: "It's like you were created in a lab full of gay scientists."
"You're like the only Jewish Greek god, Hhhhercules," Coach says.
Winston challenges them to try modeling and Cece sees what he's doing and plays along.
Jess finds Nick and asks out of the bet. He called a scotch on the rocks a "sco-ro." He's the worst. She insists it's not because of the penis issue. He tipped the waiter with a sketch of a hip hop mouse.
When Nick sets Matt up to ask Jess out on a second date, she says she's going to be out of town for a month. Matt thinks it's because of his penis. Jess says she actually thinks she could make it work, but "don't take this the wrong way, it's actually your personality and everything about you. You said you thought street art was the closest thing to an education that homeless people would ever get."
Matt apologizes, saying he's been made fun of his whole life and so sometimes he's a douche bag. He tells her she's being shallow and draws Bye Jess on a napkin and leaves.
Back at the loft, Winston takes "modeling" pictures of Coach and Schmidt as Cece tries not to laugh. She offers to call her agent, but then says nevermind because her agent would only want one of them. Then she adds that he agent loves piggyback shots. That leads to a wonderful round of Schmidt and Coach hoisting.
Nick comes to Jess's room for payment on his porn site. She's thinking Matt was right that she's shallow. Coach and Schmidt join them for a ruling on who has the better portfolio, including who has the better "sexy baby" face.
They turn on each other, with Schmidt attacking Coach's "Geisha waist" and Coach mocking Schmidt's "kitten teets," as Jess points out, saying everybody has something.
Schmidt opens up about the wounds of being a fat kid that will never heal, but agrees that at least it's better than a micro-penis. Jess interjects that they're all covered in mirco-penises and they've helped her realize she is better than them.
Jess goes to see Matt and says she was scared, not of his micro penis, but of her own. He's confused by the metaphor, and then more so when she yanks down her jeans to show him her wonky knee. And that's when Matt's girlfriend comes home.
Jess asks why he's not running after her. "If I'm being totally honest, it's because she was getting a little fat," he says.
Then he gets choked up, saying he wouldn't be this way if anyone ever took the time to get to know him. But Jess cuts him off, calling him out for faking. She asks if anything he's said is real. He flashes her.
"It looks like a little tiny pigeon's egg," she says. "Don't you want to hatch the bird?" he asks.
She declines.
Back at the loft, Schmidt goes through his poses including "Hot Guy with a Kidnapped Son," "Classical Guitarist Loses a Shoe," "Cuddles with Tigers," "How did I get up Here?". Coach tells Schmidt he's bowing out because Schmidt clearly needs the modeling job more. "If there's anything that can finally help you get over your body image issues, it's modeling," Coach says, unironically. He gets Schmidt chanting that he's a male model, but notices Winston and Cece watching the situation with concern.
After Schmidt goes to journal, Coach calls them on it. He figures out that he's been punked, but tells Cece it will crush Schmidt.
"I can't make him into a model, not in modern day America. Maybe in 1970s Israel," she says. Coach tells her to figure something out.
Cut to the gang admiring Schmidt's billboard in Koreatown, which is in Korean. They told him Cece's agent fast tracked it. Winston tells him he's representing Korean-Jewish interrelations.
Jess tells Nick the bank canceled her credit card after she ordered him porn. Nick says it's OK, her paying for it kind of ruined it for him.
Coach needles Winston and Cece, asking when Schmidt will get paid for the billboard. Winston notes "the agency" spent $1,887 on the billboard. Coach says Schmidt will be getting $500 and Winston has to go along.
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